How to Be a Great Lover in Attitude

The Great Lover Playbook
by Lou Paget

(Page 2 of 3)

How to Be a Great Lover in Attitude

It's best we start at the very beginning. Plainly said, Great Sex begins with a specific attitude toward sex, an attitude that is open toward sex, comfortable with sex, and desirous of sex. Put simply, a Great Lover always wants to know more about sex, and this attitude is like an internal compass that guides them, inspires them, and soothes them. They understand the power of their sexuality and know how to extend this to their lover. This power is what shapes their attitudes - toward sex, their lovers, and themselves. In this section, you will learn how to hone your Great Lover attitude, shape it, or refresh your memory (or that of your lover) of why it's so important to having Great Sex.

1. Falling-in-Love Sex vs. Being-in-Love Sex.

Allow that falling-in-love sex is different from being-in-love sex. Anyone who has ever fallen in love knows it is a dizzying experience that takes over your life and brain. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, there is a true physiological response associated with falling in love, and yet so many people complain that inevitably the white-hot heat slacks off. Well in a way, thank goodness - or we'd stay in that state forever and get little done. Joking aside (and I'm not really joking), most people reminisce about the great sex they used to have, despairing that it disappears when the honeymoon ends. Does the passion have to end? No. And you now have 365 ways to prove that to be true.

Real, authentic falling-in-love sex not only continues to exist, but can be tapped into for years to come. In order for you to benefit from this awareness, you need to accept that as your relationship grows and matures, your bond will deepen, naturally changing the headiness of falling-in-love sex into the deeper passion of being-in-love sex.

At some point in your relationship, you have to accept that the future brings changes and these changes will impact your sexual relationship. Great Lovers know that the secret for transforming falling-in-love sex into being-in-love sex is learning how to go with the flow by adapting your expectations and broadening the range of what is possible to please each other. With that greater variety to choose from, you will have more options to access sexual pleasure in whatever way that works for you. As Sheila says, "Yes, our sex is different. But it's also deeper and more spiritual and more erotic. Not the quarry but the chase, not the trophy but the race."

2. Sex Beyond Intercourse.

You need to accept that great, loving sex isn't only about intercourse. What I have heard consistently in ten years is that intercourse is but one segment of great lovemaking - especially for those couples who are not physically able to have intercourse due to pain, illness, or injury. Now, I am in no way taking away from intercourse as a terrific part of sex, but I am pointing out that if you rely only on intercourse as the way of being sexual with your lover, then you seriously limit your mutual ability for sexual pleasure. As the tips and techniques of this book show, there is a smorgasbord of pleasurable activities out there to turn on you and your partner, and you can pick and choose from them and combine them in countless ways. Remember what Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld, the author of The New Male Sexuality, said, "One specific action alone does not define our lovemaking; intercourse is only a part of our sexual experience."

3. Give Yourselves Permission

Permission is a huge component of healthy sexuality, both the giving and the receiving of it. And often, the biggest gift givers of permission are our very selves. Given that sexuality is the place where we all begin, it's amazing that we humans culturally give ourselves so little permission to know and to not know about our sexuality. This is our most powerful form of communicating; it is what creates life and love and every one of us. I am not going to go into why as a culture we grant each other so little permission to know, learn, and experience sexuality, but what I will address is that there are ways to circumvent this no-permission acculturation in your relationship. Great Lovers know that permission authorizes and gives them and their partners space in which to discuss and explore everything from their own experiences (how to orgasm in more than one way) to what they'd like to try (playing out fantasies) to what they've always been curious about (toys). For Great Lovers, the permission that exists in their intimate relationship has an "I won't judge what you say" attitude, and has been the ticket for them as a couple to go to another level of sexual heat.

Men and women often arrive at relationships thinking that they should already know everything there is about sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. So before going any further - in your relationship or in the reading of this book - stop and give yourselves permission to not know. What happens next? You open yourselves to learning some of the most sensational, sizzling tips about sex you will ever encounter.

4. Know There Is Always More to Know about Sex.

This will be one of the few times I use myself as an example. People will often say "You must know everything about sex." And my response very honestly is "No, I don't. I learn and hear something new about sexuality every day, and the reason I do is because I have the attitude that there is always more to learn about everything in life, sex included." I may hear about a new study being considered, read a definition I didn't know, hear a new way of asking a question, attend a trade show and see new products, hear field researchers explain new ways of using products, discover a new component for novelties, learn about a better source for products, a variation on a position, a suggestion of how to clarify X, Y, or Z descriptions, or comments from peers on how to hone discussion points. The beauty of having an openness to any subject is that you can approach it with a "new" attitude, every time. And what better area to have an open attitude than sexuality? Even if you've been in the same relationship for many years, you can learn something new and surprise your partner or go somewhere sexually that you've never gone before. You just need to open yourself up to the possibility and allow yourself to be curious.

5. Treat Her Like a Lady.

Gentlemen, this tip may sound like a throwback to another era. Let me make this perfectly clear: there is nothing more powerful, nothing more of a turn-on than if you treat your lover as a lady. What does this mean? Be a gentleman. This entails doing things gentlemen should do: opening car doors, holding doors open, letting her on and off the elevator first, helping a woman on with her coat, and rising when she gets back to the table. Women need to be acknowledged by your good manners. It will make them feel more feminine and see you as more masculine. Honest. Gentlemen, women know that your behaving well and having manners are part of the dance of seduction, and your actions will invariably result in increasing your odds of becoming intimate or having sex.

6. Gentlemen, Let Her Know You Want to Make Her Come - Anytime, Anywhere, Anyhow.

This tip is not about learning technique, nor is it about your performance. This tip is all about how much pleasure a woman experiences when she knows her lover loves to make her come. Quite simply, gentlemen, it's up to you to let your woman know you are enjoying yourself as you are pleasuring her. This will let her relax, feel taken care of and loved. If she thinks you are uncomfortable, she will feel uncomfortable. Whether you tell her flat out, "Baby, I'll take you there!" or whether she knows by virtue of your sheer determination and will, you need to let your desire for her shine forth clearly. Men have told me that there is no more powerful an aphrodisiac than being able to bring a woman to orgasm; and that alone is a beautiful thing. But it's important to remember, gentlemen, not to get caught up in your performance. Rather, focus on freeing yourself to roam her body as you chart the endless territory of her sensuality. As you will read later in this book, women can experience orgasms in ten different ways. It's up to you to discover or enhance your approach shots. There is no right or wrong way, there is only the intention to elicit her pleasure. And by all means, try to enjoy yourself.

One woman, Terry, had been married for almost six years before her husband, Michael, gave her oral sex. Why did he wait? Because he was afraid that she didn't want him to go down on her. Finally, after Terry attended one of my women's seminars, she realized that she should just bring up the subject, so she asked Michael if he had an "aversion" to giving her oral sex. He was flabbergasted. "An aversion," he cried, "I've been wanting to do that all these years. I thought you didn't like it! You never asked for it!" Talk about time-is-a-wasting! The point: Don't assume, simply ask.

7. Ladies, Remember That Oral Sex Isn't Just for Dating.

First, let me say that throughout your relationship your desire to do many sexual acts will change, rather like the phases of the moon, waxing and waning with time. And, as with anything intimate, what works for one couple won't necessarily work for another. Having said that, I feel compelled to include this Be-careful-you-don't-fall-into comment. In over a decade of talking to people, many couples have shared with me how certain parts of sex were great before marriage or commitment, but that after marriage or commitment, or moving in together, this specific act or even sex simply stops. This is often the case with oral sex, especially women giving it to men. Some of this slacking off of women giving oral sex to men is similar to why couples stop kissing: The comfort zone of relationships is a breeding ground for complacency. Secondly, some women tend to think of giving oral sex as a "have to" instead of a "want to." Let me share with you a cautionary tale, one that captures the cynical extreme of this situation.

In one noteworthy seminar I heard the two following comments: "My husband only gets a BJ once a year on his birthday. Yeah, I did it more when we were dating, but not anymore." The follow-up comment from another attendee on her friend's change of "desire" was, "Hey, you already have the kids and the house in Bel-Air, you don't have to do it anymore anyway." Now, these two women may not be typical in their cynicism, but they do present a very concrete example of women who stop sharing oral sex with their men.

Ladies, after ten years of listening to men, I must share with you that men say that ceasing to give or offer oral sex that was once part of your regular sexual repertoire is "Just not okay." This rule of the bedroom goes back to a very basic way men think about their masculinity: they want to feel sexually desired and taken care of by their partners, and for the majority of men, oral sex is one of the surest ways to accomplish this. Your job, then, is to get in touch with your desire to give your lover pleasure, which will then get you in touch with your pleasure. For Great Lovers, the two go hand in hand. And for the record, men don't seem to encounter the same problem: They continue to give oral sex to women long into their relationships. Why? They enjoy it!

8. Let Him Be the Man.

Ladies, the more feminine you are, the more masculine he can be. And the more you honor and sustain his masculinity, the more primal the sexual energy between you. Great Lovers know there is nothing androgynous or asexual about their being sexual, and they revel in and enjoy their given sexuality. The more you are in your power sexually as a woman, the more space and permission there is for him to be in his power sexually as a man. This truth is connected to the oft-unspoken concept that women control the access to sex and its activities: Hence, the more you allow yourself to be the woman in the relationship, the more you allow him to be the man. This subtle but powerful dynamic was captured by one international female entrepreneur in this way: "In day-to-day business I do it all, yet when I am with my fiancé, I can be as soft and as feminine as I feel, which is as much a reflection of his masculinity as it is of my own femininity. I know my femininity by how masculine he is, in public and in private." So what does this look like? This isn't about a male tough-guy thing, it's about socio-cultural mirroring from bygone eras. Women who are Great Lovers have an innate expression and mastery of their femininity that makes their men feel as if they are the proverbial "King of the World." I know this may sound hackneyed and clichéd, but this concept walks hand and hand with the adage, "Lady in the parlor; harlot in the boudoir." This is about social differences between women and men, the doors, the manners, and the social niceties. The more a man and a woman have the awareness of those social niceties outside the bedroom, the more there can be a sexual difference in the bedroom. Many men have shared with me that there are few things that get their motors running more than feminine women: "It is how I know I am a man. Look, when I am out with my wife I want to be with a woman all the other men want. Shallow? Nope. I am telling you how men really think." This tip speaks to the splendid dichotomy and difference between the sexes. The more feminine the woman on a man's arm, the more masculine he appears, and goodness knows men strive to appear masculine and powerful.

9. Stay Current.

This tip involves defining your sexual experience by whom you are with now, not on past experiences or relationships. Few of us are virgins when we arrive at our ultimate relationship. Yet, no man or woman likes to be reminded of that fact or have our histories reexamined. We tend to appreciate the skills learned in former ties, but we don't like to be made aware of how those skills may have been learned. That said, it's up to you to make your current relationship the one that is most sexually satisfying. It's easy, when referencing other relationships - good or bad - to stray mentally, emotionally, or physically from the one you're in. Even the slightest thought can take you away from the now. So give your memory of past events their due by allowing them to teach and guide you, and don't get stuck comparing and contrasting the old with the new.

10. Vulnerability = Value.

Our vulnerabilities show us and the world where others can make a contribution to us, where by virtue of another being there for us they make a difference in our lives. The take-away of this statement is "People stay in your life mentally or physically when they feel they are making a contribution to you." When there isn't a place or space for them to show up for you, they don't. Your vulnerabilities are often the first and most sensitive area in which they can do so. You know yourself that when you can be there for someone, especially someone near and dear to your heart, there is a very real physical feeling of satisfaction when you've done something good. And it is increased even more so because of their importance to you.

Just a little tip here, invariably the last thing you want people to know about you is one of the first things they become aware of, whether you say it or not. If you are really very shy, but think acting aloof will make you appear more secure, think again. People will know. And the truest parts of you are the most appealing to people because they are that real. Does it feel comfy at first to let people know what you think, to see you warts and all? Will that make you unacceptable or not okay? No, but then growth and change in relating isn't always comfy either, and the more open you are to sharing your softer sides, the more the important person in your life is likely to protect that sensitive flank. Why? Because when you are someone's someone, that sensitive flank is theirs, too. Just remember, Great Lovers are unafraid of being vulnerable.

Copyright © 2005 Lou Paget

About the Author

AASECT certified sex educator Lou Paget is the author of four previous sex guides: How to Be a Great Lover, How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure, The Big O, and 365 Days of Sensational Sex. Her sold-out Sexuality Seminars are taught throughout the US, Canada, and Europe, and her advice appears frequently in the media. She lives in Los Angeles, California.