Family

The Hard Questions for an Authentic Life
by Susan Piver

(Page 4 of 4)

It makes complete sense to begin with Hard Questions about family. There is, after all, a good reason why a genealogical chart is commonly referred to as a family tree. We are all rooted in family. For most of us, family history, relationships, and interpersonal dynamics are the soil from which we sprang and the ground upon which we stand. And, generally, our feet are so firmly planted on this ground that we don't give much thought to our root system - until, for whatever reason, it is no longer nourishing us or we feel ourselves becoming rootbound.

By their very nature, therefore, questions about family must also be questions about self. No matter how long we've been on our own or how far we think we've distanced ourselves from the family we grew up with, their rhythms, values, and psychological habits have, whether we realize it or not, left a deep imprint. How many of us have been told, at one time or another, that "you sound just like your mother," or "that's exactly what your father would have said." If you've heard those, or similar comments, were you pleased? Surprised? Did you want to deny it? Whatever your reaction, it probably told you something about your relationship with the family member in question.

Most of us have unresolved issues with our families of origin - issues that we may be attempting to resolve, consciously or not, within the context of our current relationships with them or with others. Family members, for example, are often assigned roles to play within the group - the responsible one, the creative one, the pretty one, to name just a few - and those roles are likely to affect, one way or another, the roles we play with other people in our lives. As a result, the way we relate to parents and siblings as adults can reveal deep truths about all our personal relationships. Bringing those issues into focus in order to examine them more consciously can help us to understand how they may be affecting other areas of our lives - and other relationships - today.

Family bonds - and therefore family issues - are not, however, limited to the family we grew up with. As adults, we expand and develop new branches on our family tree as we marry and have children of our own. And we are also likely to develop all sorts of surrogate "families" of choice among our friends, our colleagues at work, in spiritual or religious groups, and around shared activities such as sports, hobbies, or creative pursuits. Each of these families helps us to create a sense of community and a feeling of belonging, and acts as a source of support and nourishment.

Our relationships with our family of origin and our families of choice can, consciously or unconsciously, affect and reflect upon one another. If we have unrealized or unresolved issues or problems with the former, they can manifest themselves in our relationships with the latter. And what we seek or value in our relationships with one can reveal what we value or feel is lacking in the other. It's important, therefore, as you work with the Hard Questions about family, to consider how your answers relate to all the groups and individuals that feel like family to you.

1. Whom do I consider to be my family? How many families am I a part of? List every person whom you consider to be a part of your family - be it your family of origin, the family you've created through marriage, the family you hope to create, or your families of choice.

2. Take a look at each person on this list and ask yourself the following: How often do we really connect with each other? Is it often enough? Too often? Are we involved enough in each other's life? Too involved? Are there any changes I need to make in terms of time spent with this person or depth of involvement in each other's life?

3. If I have not yet created my own family, would I like to? Is there anyone in my life right now with whom I can imagine creating a family?

4. What would this family look like (just the two of us and our friends, one child, a bunch of kids)? Does this person want to create a family with me? If I don't know, how can I find out?

5. In what ways would I like my family to be similar to the family I grew up in? In what ways would I like it to be different?

6. What values did I gain from my family of origin? The three most helpful? The three least helpful? Where do I notice these values showing up in my current life, with my current family (if applicable), and with my friends and intimate partners?

7. How have these values evolved or changed as I've become an independent adult? Has this created conflict within myself or within my family? If so, is there anything I can do or say to resolve these conflicts? What is the very next step I can take in this process?

8. What conflicts exist within my immediate family (whether of origin or of marriage)? Is there any way to resolve them? Is there anyone I need to forgive? If so, for what? Whether or not the conflict involves me directly, what can I do to create healing within the family? Is there a conversation I need to have, a letter I can write, or an internal shift I can make to start the healing process?

9. If I'm married or in a committed relationship, does my spouse or intimate partner feel like "family" to me? If so, what is it about our relationship that makes it feel like family? If not, why not? Are there things I can do to deepen our sense of family?

10. What do I really need that my family is unable to give me? Are there unresolved issues of psychological or physical security? Emotional connection and support? Is there some other way to get these needs met? Is there a conversation I need to have with a family member, clergy, or therapist to help me with my unmet needs?

11. What do I wish my family understood about me? Knew about me? Liked about me? Are there contributions I make that I feel go unappreciated? Are there things I like about myself that my family doesn't seem to recognize and value? Does my family "see" and appreciate who I really am? If not, how can I bring them more fully into my inner life? Or become reconciled to the idea that this may never happen?

12. What am I expected to contribute to my family? Am I the sole breadwinner? A key contributor to family income? Who is the central emotional caregiver? Who is responsible for household chores such as cooking, cleaning, repairs, bookkeeping? Am I comfortable with the roles I play? If not, what can I do to make the sorts of changes I'd like?

13. What holidays or events do I share with my family? Which would I like to share? Do we celebrate each other, important events, and happy times? Do we have a way of supporting each other during difficult times?

14. If I don't feel that I'm part of any family, what can I do to create family in my life? Are there professional, spiritual, leisure, or creative groups I can reach out to or join?

Copyright © 2005 Susan Piver

About the Author

Susan Piver is the author of The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do." She was also a writer, producer, and marketing specialist for the entertainment industry for more than a decade before launching Padma Media, which creates special book packages for bestselling authors.