Courage, Willingness to Feel, Focus, Presence

The Hard Questions for an Authentic Life
by Susan Piver

(Page 3 of 4)

Courage

Courage is the willingness to open and listen to ourselves, loved ones, enemies, strangers, even circumstance - no matter what is being said. We most often plow through our problems and issues, certain we know the answers already. If only everyone else had the same answer, there would be no problem! Yet, time after time, we use our "answers" to re-create painful situations in relationships, at work, and at home. The Hard Questions ask that we put aside our habitual answers for a little while and approach these questions with a "don't know" mind. If our questions are a genuine inquiry, reliable answers will emerge. Listening requires emptiness and receptivity. A certain kind of space is required, one that is alive, vibrant, ready. Creating this space is a profound act of courage. We are opening ourselves to the truth, no matter what. We are consciously and purposefully stepping beyond our fear.

Willingness to Feel

As we tune in, we may hear things that are exciting, confusing, inspiring, depressing, or unclear. The key is to be willing to notice what is there and feel it. My oddest missteps have occurred as a result of ignoring my own feelings or, worse, not even being able to discern what they are. Feelings are not necessarily the final guide for action, but they are pointing at something we need to know about ourselves - especially our uncomfortable feelings. The unwillingness to tolerate discomfort is often at the root of our worst impulses - we vilify others, subjugate ourselves, overwork, get depressed, isolate, become fearful, overindulge, get angry, or fall into a stupor because we are unable to tolerate discomfort. When we try to avoid or pacify our feelings, we obscure the truth of who we are and what is really happening. The ability to feel and tolerate discomfort is absolutely crucial in searching for an authentic life. We have to be willing to feel anything - no matter what. Can you do this?

Focus

When we do try to tune in, be it through meditation, going for a walk, journaling, or talking with a trusted friend, often the first thing we encounter is other's voices. Parents, colleagues, peers, even characters in movies and songs speak to us about what life should look like. Most of us can't separate these voices from our own. But if we listen carefully and take the time to trace each voice back to its root, we can almost always identify the strands. This requires concentration, an ability to focus, to work with the thoughts, sensations, hopes, and fears that arise, constantly trying to establish their source, unique qualities, direction, and real value. The ability to truly focus brings with it invaluable alertness, sharpness, and precision of mind.

Courage, the willingness to feel, and the ability to focus are not as helpful if we only use them occasionally. They only come to fruition when we are able to practice them over time, even all the time. As we're able to open to ourselves and others, tracking our thoughts, feeling our feelings, and staying focused on how and when they arise, a gap is created between thought and action. This gap gives us an ability to act skillfully, not just from habitual patterns. Invariably, our own inner wisdom, not our beliefs and ideas about inner wisdom, will fill the gap. This space is created through the power of presence, the ability to observe our own minds. So the fourth and most important required skill is awareness, or presence.

Presence

As far as I know, there is only one reliable way to cultivate presence and that is through a regular contemplative practice. There are many to choose from: meditation, journaling, walking, yoga. It doesn't matter which one you choose, so long as you set the intention to take time for contemplation and remain consistent with your chosen practice. Having a daily contemplative practice is like permanently installing a satellite dish outside your house - signals can't reach a dish that is continually moving about, and I don't know why, but our inner voice requires an unmoving target to receive its broadcasts. Spiritual practice creates a steady, reliable way to receive your own wisdom.

If we have the courage to listen, the willingness to feel, the ability to focus, and the skill to remain present no matter what arises, something amazing happens: our own authentic self emerges, moment to moment, in ways that are expected or surprising, convenient or challenging, but more importantly, an accurate reflection of who we really are in that moment. Then our gestures ring true, our relationships, while not necessarily simpler, are genuine, and our professional or creative choices are grounded in our actual gifts.

Asking the Hard Questions can help us do something we aren't really taught to do: make friends with ourselves. Usually, we relate to ourselves with some crazy mixture of egotism and low self-esteem. We are continually judging, berating, haranguing, inflating, defending, and/or consoling ourselves. Rarely do we make the gesture of simple friendship toward ourselves, although we most likely make such gestures throughout the day to others. With our friends, we are interested, caring, and helpful. This process asks you to extend the hand of friendship to yourself.

The Hard Questions offer a place to begin. This book contains one hundred questions about seven essential areas of life: (1) Family, (2) Friendships, (3) Intimate Relationships, (4) Work, (5) Money, (6) Creativity, and (7) Spiritual Life. The questions are part of a process that will help you identify what is working in each area of your life, what isn't working, and why. They will support you as you figure out ways to optimize and honor who you are, and how to work with who and what isn't. Asking the Hard Questions signals that you've made an agreement with yourself to live your authentic life deeply, thoughtfully, and honestly.

How to Answer the Hard Questions

The first step in this process is to really give yourself the chance to carefully and honestly reflect on the questions in each chapter. Don't rush through the process or try to answer all the questions in one sitting. It may take days, weeks, or even months to fully answer these questions. All you will need is the blank pages in this book or your journal, or your computer, depending on where you feel most comfortable recording answers. I encourage you to take the time to write down your answers. Something important occurs when we choose to commit words to paper (or screen); our inner voice crystallizes into formed ideas. This alchemical process creates clarity of thought and allows inner wisdom to come through.

Each time you are ready to approach some of the Hard Questions, find a safe space and some time in which you won't be disturbed, at least thirty minutes or so. Sit in a place that is relaxing and peaceful - your bedroom, at the dining room table, a coffee shop, on a park bench. The important thing is to minimize distractions. If you are at home, turn off phones, pagers, the internet connection. If you have children or roommates, wait until they are asleep or out.

Beyond this, the questions themselves will guide you through the process. Some of them may be a snap to answer; others may seem impossible. They will ask you to consider how you really feel, what you really want, what you truly value. They will help you understand where you feel balanced or unbalanced, nurtured or needy, at ease or awkward. The questions that you are ready to answer will seem juicy and evocative. The ones that aren't for you right now will appear silly or inappropriate. That's okay. Give them another try later.

As you answer the Hard Questions, keep in mind that over time, the answers may change. In fact, I can promise you that the answers will change. Finding your authentic life is not like discovering the source of the Amazon and setting up camp there; it's not a place you can identify and mark in time and space. Living your authentic life is a process of getting in tune with your actual thoughts, feelings, needs, and insights, in real time, as they arise, noting as they shift or change. These questions can always be revisited - and each time you do so, they may bring up fresh insights. As you consider ways to answer the questions, work with your responses until you come up with an answer that feels complete, for now. Know that at the moment you set out to seek your inner wisdom, it sets out to seek you too. It may just take some time.

Keep your answers private, or if you feel that you would benefit from discussing them with others, share only with those who can respect the process that goes into answering these questions. It may even be fun to embark on this process with a trusted friend, sharing your answers as you feel ready or willing to. So be patient and let your mind wander over all the possible answers to each question. Pay special attention to the first thoughts that arise, but be willing to set them aside as you consider various answers. Be open and creative with yourself. You will know when one process is complete or impossible to complete at this particular time. You can always go back.

Don't allow yourself to fear-forward into worst case scenarios. Similarly, don't attach yourself to the most hopeful outcome you can imagine. This flies in the face of the New Age ideal: that if you can hold fast to a perfectly sculpted vision of your future, you can pull it toward yourself. Too, this belief suggests an improper placement of the center. So instead of letting your hopes or fears answer the Hard Questions, try to hear your own inner wisdom instead. Let yourself be led to the answers.

As you work with the hard questions, I expect you will come to share my realization that living authentically isn't about putting the perfect formula into play (great job + cool apartment + boyfriend = authentic life) or simply visualizing an outcome and working toward it. It's about being present from moment to moment, starting right now, and then watching as your authentic life emerges. Likely it will surpass your wildest dreams.

I wish you endless courage, a deep willingness to feel, powerful focus, and all the presence of mind you need to create your own unique, resonant, and helpful answers.

Copyright © 2005 Susan Piver

About the Author

Susan Piver is the author of The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do." She was also a writer, producer, and marketing specialist for the entertainment industry for more than a decade before launching Padma Media, which creates special book packages for bestselling authors.