Growth Through Negotiation: Intimacy, Commitment

by Toni Coleman, LCSW

(Page 2 of 2)

Growth Through Negotiation

This is a very challenging and growing time in all relationship building. Reality comes into play as the couple settles into the comfort and predictability of their togetherness. Little issues can become blown-up into large conflicts. The individuals begin to compete for their share of control and their place in this growing union. Differences can become highlighted instead of minimized.

This is often the period when couples experience their first fight. Hurt feelings can occur as that once loving and completely accepting other person airs a criticism or voices annoyance or concern. Often, the individuals believe it is the other person who needs to change.

This is where the need for (or lack of) communication, problem-solving and negotiating skills becomes apparent. For without an adequate measure of these, disagreements can break down into screaming matches where insults and recriminations are fired like missiles.

If the individuals can listen, be supportive of each other's feelings, compromise and not lay blame, they have a good chance of working through this stage and achieving a true intimacy. This does not mean they will share all the same beliefs and opinions or that they will necessarily even like the other's view. However, having and showing respect is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

Not only will relationships fail without these relationship-building strengths, they can also abruptly end if one of the partners decides that they don't feel the same way about this person in their less than idealized state. The reality may not be to their liking or just something they are not ready for in general. Either way, they will pull back, present differently or disappear without warning. How they handle their changing feelings is further information about their level of relationship readiness and maturity in general.

Intimacy

Intimacy is the reward that is gained when a couple has successfully worked through the difficult last stage of negotiation. It is almost like a new coming together with much greater self (and other) awareness. This new information can work to solidify the union or give one of both individuals enough new information about the other to require a reassessment of their desire to remain together.

Each person looks at the other in their (naked) state and asks; "is this the person I want to be with"? Here their individual differences are highlighted. The early romantic haze has cleared. What they have to offer to each other and to a future life together comes into play.

This is a time when couples often begin to contemplate each other's attributes in a more practical way. They look at the other's strengths and weaknesses. They evaluate each other's potential as a future spouse, parent, provider, caregiver, partner, etc.

Relationships can be tested more during this time. Infidelity is one dysfunctional way that some individuals do this. Often, this leads to the end of the relationship.

When differences can be seen, aired and accepted, the couple has a good chance of moving on together from this place. Essentially, they have decided they want to be with the other, warts and all.

When the behavior of one or both partners change, it is generally because they have made a conscious or unconscious decision regarding the wrongness of the other for them or for the type of relationship they seek.

Commitment

This is the final stage of relationship building. Once individuals have reached this place, they are ready to cement their bond. While much growth and work will lay ahead in a future life together, they are ready to begin this life soon.

New challenges arise during each stage, and will happen here as well. However, if the couple has successfully worked through the previous stages, they should have many of the tools they need.

The external problems and pressures that come with life will test their resolve and commitment over the years. They may need to reassess, re-negotiate and renew their feelings and commitment. Fortunately, they will be in possession of the basic tools required.

If they choose well to begin with, they should be successful.

As you evaluate your failed relationship, note the stage you were in when the change occurred. Chances are that the necessary level of readiness and maturity was not present in one or both of you. Perhaps one of you decided that this is not the kind of partner or relationship I am seeking.

This new information and insight should help you to choose a future partner who is better suited to you and desirous of the same kind of relationship that you are.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. I had been dating someone for 4 months. We were so compatible. We liked the same things, shared the same sense of humor, had similar goals and came from very alike backgrounds. Everything was going great up to and after the winter holidays. Then, out of the blue, he virtually stopped calling. When I can reach him, he seems distant and evasive. I have asked him point-blank if I said or did something or if something has happened with him. He talks around the whole issue.

He is very busy at work, but this didn't seem to impact US before. He says he needs time. I don't know what to believe. We did meet each other's family over the holidays and got to know more about each other. Could I have missed something?

A. First of all, let me offer my sympathy for the way you have been treated here. Very bad form on his part. Clearly someone missed something here, or things would not suddenly have chilled the way they did. I can only offer a hypothesis about it. Somewhere inside of you, you have an inkling and will come up with the answer after some careful reflection.

Things were fine as they were. So, the question is; what events occurred or what new piece was introduced towards the end that could have caused such an impact?

The answer? Only you can really figure this out. A good place to start is with the holidays and the meeting of family, etc. Perhaps this didn't go as well as you thought. Yes, you were all pleasant and civil. But was said privately about you to him by his parents, sibs, etc?

Or, these very intense family events could have brought up old experiences. feelings, issues that HE has yet to resolve. Perhaps they led to overwhelming or negative feelings that he is not yet equipped to deal with.

Maybe he just decided you didn't provide the best fit with him in this life with this family. Maybe when it was just the two of you it was fine. But as part of this larger unit, no.

The possibilities could go on. You might never be sure. However, you could ask him for one-half hour to sit and have a frank discussion. You could make this easier by putting some of these possibilities right out there and asking him if they fit.

Let him know that your goal is not to get back together. Your goal is to gain information about what happened to this relationship and answer some questions and find the closure that goes with this process.

End Notes

This issue was designed to help answer a question that is asked of me very often, in many different ways. If you need help understanding where a past relationship went wrong or in gaining a better understanding about your relationship history in general, contact [e-mail].

Also, check out my eclasses that were designed to assist you in critical areas of successful relationship development.

About the Author

www.consum-mate.com
Toni Coleman LCSW is a psychotherapist and relationship coach who specializes in working with singles wanting intimate lasting