What Is Sexual Abuse?

Ghosts in the Bedroom
by Ken Graber, M.A.

(Page 2 of 3)

Sexual abuse is the term used to refer to any incident that causes an individual to feel sex related shame. It includes sexual molestation or abuse, incest and rape. These terms are used in an expansive sense that includes subtle and isolated incidents as well as flagrant and continuing experiences. They apply to victims of either sex. Incest is between family members and the victim is usually a child under the age of 18. Sexual molestation or abuse also involves a child victim but is not between members of the same family. Rape involves force or violence and may be directed against a victim of any age.

Sometimes the definition of incest is extended to include sexual abuse by any person in a position of authority or responsibility. This definition is compatible with the sense of betrayal and violation of trust experienced by incest survivors. It makes little difference whether a survivor's abusive experience meets some particular definition - the recovery process is the same. Partners of sexual abuse survivors are even further removed from the experience and need only understand its damaging effects whatever the duration or type of abuse.

Physical molestation includes flagrant and easily recognized acts of sexual abuse. Some of the most common are oral sex performed by either party, vaginal or anal intercourse and vaginal or anal penetration with fingers or objects. Physical acts of sexual molestation also include manual sexual contact or stimulation and masturbation by either individual. In some cases children are induced to have sexual contact with animals. A little less obvious is fondling or sexualized touching of other areas of the body and inappropriate sexual kissing and hugging.

Children need to be touched, cuddled, kissed and hugged in nurturing and appropriate ways. In healthy families there is a clear distinction between appropriate and inappropriate touching. Dysfunctional families with confused, unclear boundaries allow touching to be inappropriately sexualized, which children experience as sexual molestation. Other physical acts that can become sexual molestation are excessive and stimulating tickling, erotic or bare bottom spanking, intrusive or unnecessary enemas and excessive personal involvement in toilet training.

In addition to physical acts, there are kinds of sexual abuse that do not involve contact. Voyeurism and exhibitionism are examples. Peering through windows or displaying explicit pornography are clearly voyeuristic, but less obvious is looking through open doors and refusing to respect a family member's privacy in dressing, bathing or using the toilet. Exhibitionism is the counterpart to voyeurism and occurs in many of the same situations. Healthy adults take care to model privacy and protect children from the sight of adult nudity and sounds of adult sexual activity.

Verbal sexual abuse is a final type that can also have shaming and damaging impact on the child. Obscene telephone calls can be frightening and shaming, particularly when found in conjunction with an excessively prudish family that refuses to allow age-appropriate sex education or discussion about anything sexual. The opposite extreme of a family that allows young children to be exposed to crude sexual jokes, inaccurate sexual information or too much sexual knowledge too soon can be equally damaging. Sexual abuse also includes sexual threats, graphic descriptions and other inappropriate sex talk.

The key elements characteristic of sexual abuse are lowered self-esteem and imposed shame. Sexual abuse does not occur where there is respect for the individual's identity, boundaries and self-esteem. When these are violated the victim - who had less power in the first place - feels responsible for the violation, loses self-esteem and takes on the shame.

What Does Sexual Abuse "Survivor" Mean?

Survivors are persons who were victims of sexual abuse. In some ways "victim" and "survivor" are interchangeable, but there is a difference in focus. The term "victim" is most frequently used in the courts and legal settings where the focus is on the incident or crime. The term "survivor" is used in counseling and self-help programs where the focus is on the individual's treatment and long-term recovery. In the early stages of recovery the survivor feels like a victim. Using the term "victim" may inhibit further recovery. Consciously holding up the image of "survivor" assists those stuck in the victim role to see recovery as a possibility.

It is also helpful for partners of sexual abuse survivors to use the term "survivor" since recovery is a process that affects both the survivor and the partner. Using the term "survivor" keeps the focus on the person who has been abused and their responsibility to actively seek and take part in their recovery. The term "survivor" gives credit to the effort the person put forth in order to survive the ordeal, recognizing that some victims did not survive. Identifying oneself or one's partner as a survivor is a hopeful designation that reinforces belief in the possibility of growth, change, recovery and regaining full functionality and health.

© 1991 Health Communications, Inc.