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When responding to his distancing lecture . . .

• Don't fall apart in front of him! It's not going to do any good and will make you feel even worse. Freak out when you get home or call your girlfriends, but don't show how you feel in front of him.

• Don't make a dramatic scene. It's not good for your self-esteem and will not help the situation.

• Don't feed into his devaluing process by defending yourself. You are fine the way you are. It's his perception and not necessarily reality

• Don't, under any circumstances, try to talk him out of his decision. Show him you have high self-esteem now and don't need his approval. Put all of your energy into staying emotionally grounded.

• Don't cling to him or grovel. It is demeaning to you to let a man with severe intimacy problems see that he has such a powerful effect on you. If you grovel, you will regret it later on.

The Casual Dater is into his compulsive need to rid himself of you, which could be pretty compelling, so just go along with it even if it's difficult. Mourn the loss of him, even if it's temporary. Unless he goes for psychological help he may be hopeless. Most important, try not to personalize it. Once again, it's more about him than you, or else his behavior would make more sense. So focus on healing you, and distance from him now.

When you sense he only wants to date and he shows no signs that it's leading to a relationship, there are several actions you can take to change the situation or move on.

Set Limits

Decide how long you're willing to date him without things escalating. Let him know what you want in terms of a relationship. Take a look at the following list of signs that indicate he's willing to take the next step. If your "personal" time limit has come and gone and you still haven't seen any of these signs, it's time to move on.

These are signs that casual dating is escalating toward a relationship:

• He increases the amount of time you see each other.
• He calls more during the week.
• He introduces you to his friends.
• He introduces you to his family.
• He plans a vacation with you.

Confront Him

Find out what his intentions are and what he sees happening in the future with the two of you. This will take courage because you don't know what he'll come back with, but at least you'll know where you stand once and for all. You won't be struggling with his ambivalence. If he gives you a rejecting answer, respond as you would to his distancing lecture, which I covered earlier. It's all one and the same.

Keep It to Yourself

Don't share with him the limits that you set in your own mind. If you don't want to take a chance with a confrontation because you feel you might get hurt or it's too risky, then keep the limits to yourself but act on them just the same.

Think Carefully

Before any confrontation or limit setting you need to put some serious thinking into . . .

• What you want from a relationship with him.
• What you want from a relationship in general.
• How much time and energy you're willing to emotionally invest in him.

Consider Your Own Needs

Sometimes the Casual Dater won't come around, even if you confront him directly after his distancing lecture. At that point, you need to think about your own:

• Ask yourself why you want to be with a man who says he doesn't even know if he wants a future or a relationship with you. Agreeing to see him on his terms makes you look desperate. If you're so emotionally available, you're acting like someone who doesn't deserve to have a man who wants a relationship or future.

• If he says he going to work on his issues, your only alternative is to gamble a little time to see if he's true to his word and can conquer his anxiety about relationships. Without psychological help, I don't believe there's much hope. However, if this is the route you want to take, then decide how much time you want to invest in this Ambivalent Man, and honor your time limit.

• If you decide to keep dating him (with the understanding that there's going to be no relationship or future) your self-esteem will erode and his ambivalent behavior will make you feel like you're going crazy.

• If you don't set limits you are enabling him to keep acting out his issues about intimacy. And you, in turn, are acting out your own avoidance of relationships or getting close by being with a man who may not have the capacity for a relationship.

Maria and Marcus, both social workers, were introduced at a conference by coworkers. At first Bob was very enthusiastic about dating Maria. She was concerned that he had very few relationships in his past and had heard he could be a bit of a playboy. After seeing a number of men who just wanted flings, Maria was hopeful that Marcus and her romance would turn into a relationship with a future. She enjoyed dating him because he took her to concerts and museums, which they both seemed to have a mutual interest in. Suddenly Bob started distancing. First he told her he was going to family functions over the Christmas holiday, and didn't invite her. The next evening when they were watching a video Bob announced that he was still dating other women. He explained that he had been crazy about his ex-college girlfriend who had been cold to him, and could not see himself falling in love with Maria. Crushed and insulted Maria walked out. A week later, Bob called and said that he thought he made the wrong decision and realized he had severe relationships issues he needed to work on. He announced that he was going back to psychotherapy and asked Maria to give him another chance. Maria decided that Bob was worth the risk, especially since he was acknowledging his problems and seeing a therapist. He was also very thoughtful and loving to her while they were dating. She decided she would give him three months to decide if he wanted more with her than just dating. When they ran into trouble again after a couple of months, they went to a couple's counselor his therapist recommended. A year later they got married.

As you can see from what happen with Maria, some Ambivalent Men do have the capacity to work on themselves and have a relationship even if they start out as Casual Daters. In later chapters, you will learn more about Ambivalent Men who have possibilities.

© 2004 Rhonda Findling

Tags: Dating For Women, Relationship Commitment

About the Author

www.rhondafindling.com
Rhonda Findling, M.A.,C.R.C. is the author of "Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go" (Hyperion), "The Commitment Cure" (Adams Media) and "The Dating Cure" (Adams Media) and her debut novel "Portrait of My Desire". She is a dating coach and psychotherapist. She has been in private practice in New York for the past 20 years and consults (by telephone) with clients all over the world.