The Casual Dater

The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man
by Rhonda Findling

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Sue met Ken, a commodities trader, at a gathering at her friend's house. Although he was okay looking, she wasn't that crazy about him. He seemed like nice guy, but the chemistry level wasn't very high. When he asked her to go to a Broadway play, Sue decided to give him a chance. To her surprise, they had a good time. Afterward, he called her every Wednesday and asked her out for the following Saturday night. He always took her to glamorous yet elegant restaurants. She was sure he was seriously interested in her, figuring no man would go to these lengths for just a fling. Soon he was asking her out for both Friday and Saturday nights. It appeared their dating was leading to a relationship so she decided to take the emotional risk and become sexually involved with Ken. On the tenth date Ken told Sue that he didn't see them "having a future together" and "thought they should stop dating." He explained that he "wanted to get married but didn't want to marry her." Sue was devastated and shocked because she didn't really like Ken so much in the beginning and had tried to be mature about it and give him a chance. How could she have been so wrong about him and let herself get hurt like this? Unfortunately, she had run into a Casual Dater.

Who Is the Casual Dater?

Here's a list of signs you're with a Casual Dater so you don't set yourself up for disappointment when you find out he can't go beyond a few dates:

• He is a man who is actually looking for a relationship. He really longs for marriage and feels bad that he can't seem to achieve this goal.

• He is reliable and usually makes a good first impression. You can take him anywhere, to Christmas parties, weddings, and family gatherings. In fact, his excellent social skills are honed from dating so often.

• He appears to be capable of a relationship because he really is interested in going out to places rather than just having a fling. He keeps calling you for dates so you think he's very interested in you.

Ironically, many women keep dating the Casual Dater even when they're not that crazy about him, because he gives the impression that he's serious about a relationship and possibly marriage.

What Causes His Ambivalent Behavior?

The main problem with the Casual Dater is that he feels entitled to "perfect" women. Despite the Casual Dater's longing for love and relationship, he's deeply committed to being with the kind of women he feels entitled to. He'd rather remain single than be with a woman who doesn't meet his expectations. The irony and maddening part is, he's unable to see his own shortcomings. Even if he's broke, unattractive, or disabled, if a woman doesn't measure up to his ideal he will not want to have a relationship with her.

Some Casual Daters have completely unrealistic expectations of the woman they'd like to have as a girlfriend or wife. They actually compare potential girlfriends to playboy models, movie stars, and fantasy women. They often have crushes on women who are in their lives but are unattainable. Sometimes they date more than one woman at a time. This increases the chances of meeting the perfect woman.

When a Casual Dater finds a woman who meets his expectations, he eventually finds something wrong with her. In other words, he always ends up devaluing the woman no matter how great he originally thought she was and how close she was to his ideal. He then becomes ambivalent and either sabotages the potential relationship by giving women the "distancing lecture" or never wanting to go beyond casual dating.

The Casual Dater is superficial and isn't capable of loving on a mature level. He can't accept another human being for who she is, flaws and all, which is necessary in order to have a long-term relationship or marriage. If the woman is going through a personal problem while dating, he has a hard time dealing with it. Although he has a nice demeanor he's basically self-absorbed.

The Distancing Lecture

After he has gone through the process of devaluing you in his mind, he delivers a lecture with one of the following themes:

• "There's not going to be a relationship."
• "I don't see a future for us."
• "You're a great lady, but I just can't seem to fall in love with you."
• "I want to get married but I don't want to marry you."

The Casual Dater can be very wounding in his need to get rid of you. He's not like the Runner, who just disappears. He will tell you bluntly when it's over. It's therefore important to understand where his lecture is coming from and not take it too personally, although this is easier said than done. Dora met Paul at a lecture on nutrition at an adult learning center. From their discussions, Dora learned that Paul was struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome. He came from a family of great wealth so he was able to support himself despite his physical limitations. He dated a lot, but never had a long-term relationship with a woman. Although she was concerned about his physical disabilities, he seemed like a nice guy and she was on a serious search for a boyfriend. They went on a few dates. When Dora didn't hear from him, she worried that Paul's health had gotten worse, so she gave him a call. Paul told Dora that he didn't know if he wanted to have a relationship with her and was now dating someone else. Stunned, she tried to talk to him about his decision because she didn't understand. Then he had the audacity to tell her he needed to decide if he even wanted to see her again!

Why Does He Act This Way?

Here are the real reasons men are Casual Daters:

1. He may have had a mother who was emotionally or physically unavailable. The sad thing is that he didn't develop the inner resources it takes to have a deep enduring relationship because of this mother's unavailability. Instead, he compensated for his lack of nurturing by constructing an ideal vision of a woman who would meet all his needs. It is this perfect woman that he's always searching for.

2. He is not in touch with his anxiety about closeness so he blames the woman's flaws for the demise of the potential relationship. He rids himself of his anxiety about closeness by either rejecting an available woman or never going beyond casual dating. With either solution he never has to deal with his feelings a relationship brings up for him.

3. He is unable to look at his own limitations or imperfections. If he had the insight to understand these dynamics he wouldn't act out his ambivalence by ending a potential relationship or staying in a go-nowhere relationship.

So how can you tell if you're seeing a Casual Dater? The following tips will help to clue you.

Signs You Are Seeing a Casual Dater

Your Casual Dater can commit more than the Man Who Plays Parlor Games, but ultimately gives himself away as an Ambivalent Man by his inability to take it to the next level.

• He's had few or no relationships with women. Although he dates a lot, a relationship never seems to materialize.

• He's a big expert on how to meet new women. He goes to endless singles events, clubs, and dating services to keep up an ongoing search for his ideal woman. Casual Daters are often on the Internet meeting women in chat rooms and online dating sites.

• He uses personal ads a lot. He puts personal ads in newspapers, magazines, and online sites, and responds to women's ads. When he meets a woman on a blind date, he's often disappointed because she's not who he was fantasizing she'd be. His level of attractiveness is irrelevant; only his expectations matter to him.

• He displays a lack of experience in relationships. Sometimes he seems naive when he talks about relationships in general.

• He has tons of dating experience and stories. Sometimes he dates more than one woman at a time. He figures it's a numbers game to find his perfect woman.

• Dating him never escalates to a relationship. He always wants to date around once a week or less. He doesn't show signs that he wants to become more serious. He doesn't want to see you on the holidays or introduce you to his family or friends.

Sherry met Sam after he answered her personal ad online. Just from their e-mail and phone conversations she could tell he was a walking encyclopedia on meeting new women. He seemed to know all the singles events going on around the city. He'd entertain her on the phone for hours with stories of his dating experiences. He rarely mentioned anything about serious long-term relationships. He told Sherry he thought they had a very special connection just from their phone conversations and he was dying to meet her. Due to her hectic work schedule, she didn't have much time. Sam was willing to accommodate her, however, so Sherry decided to take a chance on the day of their meeting. Excited at the prospect of meeting this man who seemed so interested in her, Sherry got all dolled up. When he walked into the restaurant he looked disappointed when he realized it was Sherry. They talked but he left shortly. Sherry didn't think Sam was so great anyway, but she would have been willing to give him a chance. She never heard from him again, but she saw his ad on all the personal ad sites for years after that.

© 2004 Rhonda Findling

About the Author

www.rhondafindling.com
Rhonda Findling, M.A.,C.R.C. is the author of "Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go" (Hyperion), "The Commitment Cure" (Adams Media) and "The Dating Cure" (Adams Media) and her debut novel "Portrait of My Desire". She is a dating coach and psychotherapist. She has been in private practice in New York for the past 20 years and consults (by telephone) with clients all over the world.