You're Thinking of Doing What? Part 2

Shacking Up: The Smart Girl's Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned
by Stacy Whitman, Wynne Whitman

(Page 2 of 2)

Shacking up can also be a way to make sure your partner isn't keeping any secrets, says Kelly, thirty-three, who lived with her husband prior to marriage. "It's pretty easy to hide stuff when you're on a date or off on a weekend together, but it's hard to keep things under wraps when you're living in close quarters," she explains. "When you live together, you really begin to learn what a person is all about." Amanda, thirty, of Morristown, New Jersey, is a good example. She dated James for two years before he moved into her condo. "I knew that he could be a little moody and always seemed to be short on cash," Amanda says. "But I didn't understand the extent of his problems until after he moved in." As it turned out, James was deeply in debt and had anger management issues. "If we hadn't lived together, I'm not sure I would have learned the truth," she claims. "When you cohabit, you see everything, from his mail to how he acts after a rotten day at work. It quickly became evident that James wasn't the person I thought he was."

Don't forget, ladies: Once you shack up, the fantasy ends and real life begins. "Typically, when you're dating, you don't have a whole lot to argue about," says Jordan, twenty-nine, who has been living with her boyfriend for a year. "It isn't until he starts taking over your closet or insists on keeping his wagon-wheel coffee table that things can start to get touchy." Like it or not, conflict is a part of any close, committed relationship. Living together gives you the opportunity to discover and resolve these points of disagreement before you're legally wed, points out Jane, twenty-seven. You can find out just how adept the two of you are at compromising, communicating, and negotiating sticking points. Like our friend Colleen, thirty-two, you may be delighted to learn that you get along even better than expected.

To Mia, the best thing about shacking up is that you can hash out your problems (toilet seat up versus down and who pays for what) without the pressure of having a ring on your finger. "I didn't have to feel like 'Oh my God, we're fighting and we're already married. This is it — we're doomed!' " the twenty-nine-year-old Chicago resident says. Ann, thirty, of San Francisco agrees that it can be better to tackle the tough stuff prior to the nuptials: "People talk about how the first year of marriage is so hard. If you live together first, you get all those issues — however big or small they may be — out of the way."

Living together can also help you eliminate any lingering question marks about your mate. "It's another piece of evidence to verify that you're right for each other," says Colleen. "I love getting the confirmation that I can trust him," adds Kate. "So far, we've had tests, but no failures." Can you learn all the important details if you date each other long enough? Well, perhaps. It depends on your relationship and how much time you've spent together in continuous spurts. Still, for some of us, living together is the final litmus test we need to be absolutely sure. Even if you're 99 percent certain that you're compatible before moving in, shacking up can give you that extra one percent of confidence when taking your vows, Kelly says.

And let's not forget the joys of sharing your life with another person. From ordering pizza to painting the living room, everything can be more fun when you have a partner in crime. "I really enjoy building a life together and making a home with someone I love," says Jane. Teaming up with your significant other can provide a sense of comfort and security. "I love knowing that he'll be there when I come home — playing computer games, making cookies, or watching TV," says Kate. "I feel more connected to him, knowing that he trusts me enough to share everything." "I hadn't had a roommate for five years, so I was concerned about how I would do living with Doug," confesses Jennifer, who shacked up eleven months ago. "But it's really been wonderful. I relish the companionship, whether we're eating breakfast, watching movies, decorating, or doing laundry together. I sleep easier knowing that he's there."

Even if your "trial run" is a bust, some shacking-up vets maintain that the experience can be worthwhile. Sophie, for one, has no regrets about moving in with her ex. "I was undecided about marriage before I lived with Garrett," the thirty-five-year-old says. "Living together helped me reach a decision fast. I panicked as I saw a future with a man I didn't love. I chose to get out and pursue the guy I'd always been secretly in love with" — her now-husband, Jeff. Ira, thirty-four, was less than thrilled when his live-in relationship with Janet didn't work out. (Doubly so because they had already purchased real estate together.) Still, he's thankful that he found out the truth before he sealed the deal. "I actually wish Janet and I had moved in together earlier," he says. "That way, issues would have come to a head sooner, before we put a down payment on a reception site or bought a house."

Many experts, including Pamela Smock, agree that cohabitation can weed out incompatible couples. Smock speculates that the divorce rates might be higher if so many of us weren't moving in prior to marriage. Then again, the breakup of a live-in relationship can be extremely painful. A number of the men and women we interviewed for this book said they would never put themselves through the agony again. So don't start packing your suitcases until you've finished reading Chapters 1 and 2. By being informed, you can increase your odds of having a happy ending.

Twenty-first Century Relationship Glossary

Hooking Up: You're "more than friends." You've muckled, mashed, or gotten busy — no strings attached.

Dating: You've been on more than one "real" date and are sussing each other out (or you're bored beyond belief and desperately need to get out of the house).

Going Out: You're dating exclusively or "going steady," as our parents might say. You refer to each other publicly as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." You're officially in a relationship.

Living Together: You're roommates and romantic partners. You share a living space and all the responsibilities that go with it — without a formal, legal commitment.

Engaged: You've got the rock, and you're secretly praying that your relationship survives the wedding-planning process.

Married: You've made it official, tied the knot, and vowed to be together "for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health." You have a license saying that you're legally bound, and you're psyched to move forward as husband and wife.

It's Your Life — So Go Ahead and Ruin It!

One of the first things you realize when you start contemplating cohabitation is that not everyone thinks it's such a brilliant move. On the one hand, you'll have girlfriends who support the idea wholeheartedly. On the other hand, you could have parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or godparents — you know, the over-fifty crowd — who aren't so keen on it. Then there are people like Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the radio talk show host who lists cohabitation as one of the "Ten Stupidest Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives" in her book of the same title. (Funny, we think one of the ten stupidest things that you can do is listen to Dr. Laura. But who are we to judge? Our own mother likes to tune in!)

Copyright © 2003 by Stacy Whitman and Wynne Whitman. Excerpted by permission of Broadway, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

A writer for national magazines including Shape, Glamour, and Cosmopolitan, Stacy Whitman recently married her live-in boyfriend of several years.

Wynne Whitman is an attorney with a master's degree in finance.