The Home / Work Dilemma

Power Tools for Women
by Joni Daniels

(Page 5 of 6)

When I talk to women at corporate and professional development seminars about using all their skills, they tell me, "I can do this at work but not at home." "I can do this at home but not with my church group." "I can do this with my sisters but not with my mentor." "I can do this with my IT director but not my child's teacher." I listen to them and focus on the first half of each of these statements: "I can do this. . . ." They've said it themselves! All they have to do is figure out how to transfer that success to a new relationship in a different place. You can do it, too. You've got the tools.

Emma recently purchased her first house at the age of forty-three. She felt overwhelmed with all the things that she now had to do to manage the logistics of home ownership. A psychologist with a successful practice, a fulfilling social life, and a book about to be published, she was pretty accomplished in many other areas of her life. It dawned on her that she could probably figure out how to use a power drill. Learning how to use this real tool felt wonderfully empowering. Using the same drill metaphorically at work provides the same fulfillment.

Marie is a competent high school music teacher and director of the school musical, which is a huge success each year. She manages a technical crew, a musical score, a small orchestra, and teenage thespians — all on a school budget. She calls on volunteer parents, rounds up donated costumes, and works with a secondhand score. Yet when Marie plans the annual Thanksgiving feast for her family, she leaves her toolbox behind. She loses track of her objectives. The limits she's set dissolve when she takes on the monumental task of feeding her finicky family: a macrobiotic daughter, traditional stuffing-and-cranberry-sauce in-laws, a junk-food-addicted son, and a low-salt, no-fat spouse. Marie is the same person. The situation is not. What's the consequence for Marie when she forgets to use her Power Tools? A Thanksgiving dinner disaster.

Shelby needs a push to get her to grab her Power Tools, too, and the ability she taps into when coordinating her home life reveals her capacity for insight and delegation. Her family consists of four children in various stages of high school and college and a husband who has gone back to school full-time after a midlife career readjustment. Her parents, divorced for many years, live in a neighboring state and have a variety of physical ailments and concerns. Visits to her parents include a thorough check of financial and medical matters, a survey of foodstocks, and conversations with neighbors and physicians. Shelby leaves no detail to chance during her visits, knowing that her parents will give her only limited information over the phone. At home, Shelby has worked to build a family that is both independent and responsible. She makes sure family members handle meals, laundry, cleaning, and school assignments. She does it all with calm and focus.

Yet, when Shelby heads for her job as the director of marketing for a large financial services organization, her Power Tools are nowhere in sight. She appears scattered and unfocused at work. Her frantic staff and seemingly indifferent vendors appear to have no idea what to do without close direction and are unable to solve problems without her involvement. She finds herself scrambling to meet deadlines, seldom anticipates problems that occur, rarely clarifies goals for others, and seems to have no time to provide training and coaching so critical for people's success. Usually, Shelby finds herself doing many jobs in addition to her own, often rushing to last-minute, out-of-town press checks. Shelby is the same woman, even though the situation is different. What's the consequence for Shelby when she forgets to use her Power Tools? A marketing department debacle.

Marie should start by eliminating her bad habits. Even though she's a master in the theater department at work, she drops her toolbox at her front door. A creature of routine, she tends to stick to those old patterns. Marie might be afraid of what her in-laws will say if she asks for their help. She might be anxious that her husband will think less of her for delegating tasks. She also spends so much time squiring her son to band practice or following her daughter through the aisles of the department store that she doesn't have a spare moment to think about other solutions. Meanwhile, there are tools Marie might use to crack her ineffective habits of taking total responsibility for all aspects of a major holiday dinner and trying to meet the demands of all those picky eaters. She could measure, set limits, and try to see the humor in attempting to run her home like a four-star restaurant.

Shelby may have the family and home routine down pat, but her toolbox never gets through the office door. Certainly the culture of work can lend itself to a more reactive posture. But just because Shelby has gotten used to the chaos doesn't mean that she, her staff, and her vendors don't hunger for something that allows them to feel more competent. It's hard to slow down or stop chaos, but there are Power Tools that Shelby might use to break the unproductive routine.

We Don't Recognize the Fit

Sometimes the first step in getting ready to use your Power Tools is the awareness that you need them. Marie has to recognize that the same Power Tools she's been using at work would make her dream of an enjoyable Thanksgiving dinner a reality. Shelby has to see the connection between her ability to organize in her personal life and her lack of the exact same skill in her professional life.

Many of the women in my seminars discover that the situation requiring a more effective strategy or behavior at work is not unlike a situation at home, and vice versa.

"My boss does this — and my husband does too!"

"My daughter creates the same emotional turmoil for me that this client does."

"I have a friend who oversteps personal boundaries exactly like my coworker."

Are you the woman who runs the errands, coordinates two Little League team schedules, and plans a vacation? Then you are already using the Power Tools you will need when the task force and the vice president from the London office both expect you to attend their presentations that are being held at the same time, which happens to be the same afternoon you must hand in the budget forecast for your department.

Having your Power Tools in tow means that if you can be candid with your boss, you can be candid with your sister-in-law. If you can share your vision of success with your employees, you can share it with the guests coming for a special occasion. And if you can ask a technician to walk you through the information systems problem at work, you can ask your mechanic about the details involved in the service he thinks your car requires.

These are tools that you can easily plug into any situation: a new business, a new friend, or a new problem. Women want the very thing they already possess: the ability to increase their effectiveness in situations that cry out for more power. As you carry your Power Tools into every phase of your life — from the bedroom to the boardroom — you'll find that you begin to see the opportunities to plug in a Power Tool wherever you are. You'll see how asking your husband to explain a complicated piece of technology requires the same Power Tool and interviewing agility you need when listening to your sales force. You'll hone your expertise at using another Power Tool to help you pin down your boss on a due date for a project as well as get your disorganized girlfriend to commit to lunch.

At speaking engagements for corporations and conferences, there is always a woman who will tell me, "You don't understand. My situation is different." I agree, but always with a caveat. Although you may behave differently in one situation than in another, and all women are certainly not all alike, you are not two different women. No mystical metamorphosis takes place as you walk through the front door of your home. You need to stop compartmentalizing your skills at work and at home and use your Power Tools in every situation.

That's what Marie did.

She grabbed her toolbox and plugged in the right tools for the job. Her Safety Goggles helped her imagine the goal and communicate it, and her Tape Measure calculated her limits. "This isn't what I want" became "I can't believe they are doing this to me." Later it became "This is what I want," which grew into "This is what I envision. What part of that would you like to take on?" Marie shared her vision with her family about an interesting variation on the classic traditions. Her happy ending was a dinner where family and in-laws cooked a range of foods, from traditional desserts to tofu side dishes. She used her Power Tools to attain her desire of hosting a holiday dinner in her own home and on her own terms.

That's what Shelby did.

She reached into her toolbox and wrapped her hands around the best tools for quelling the marketing department chaos. Her Safety Goggles allowed her to create a picture of success and share it with others, her Electrical Sensor allowed her to gauge her reactions and those of others, and her Voltage Meter was instrumental in getting feedback. "This is a disaster" became "I need to create some order." Later it became "What will a well-run, successful department look like?" which grew into "This is what I envision. People will need to understand the standards that are critical to our success, their role in accomplishing those goals, and my role as a coach and resource." Shelby shared her vision with her employees, her vendors, and any other professional whose buy-in or help she would need to create a cohesive team. Her happy ending was a department with a clear definition of goals, an understanding of the standards for success, awareness of the part each internal and external person would play, and development plans that assured professional success. Shelby was able to focus on the things that only she could do and shifted her role from exhausted executive to available coach, trainer, and resource for her department. More delegation on her part also allowed Shelby to be more collaborative with the other senior staff members. Most important, she used her Power Tools to attain her desire of creating a professional role that was a genuine reflection of her capability.

Copyright © 2002 by Joni Daniels. Excerpted by permission of Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Joni Daniels is the founder and principal of Daniels & Associates, a consulting group specializing in personal and professional development. Her clients include FannieMae, Educational Testing Services, Marriott International, Merck, the Department of Defense, AIG Life Companies, and more. She lives outside Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.