Sticks and Stones, The Power Within

Power Tools for Women
by Joni Daniels

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Sticks and Stones

Not only might other people harbor negative thoughts about our behavior, they might even say what they are thinking. While a man may feel a certain male pride if he is referred to as a "tough bastard," a woman feels cut to the core when she is called a "bitch." When you're using the Power Tool designed to help you hold your ground and fight for what you want, being called a bitch is actually a sign of progress! You'll learn to use your Power Tools to give up the fear of being labeled as someone who knows how to use power. You might even learn to laugh about it, finding humor in a situation where a well-paid adult is resorting to childish name-calling.

Your personal power is the only type of power that matters. Job titles come and go. Personal power comes with you. You own it and you choose how, when, and where to use it. When you are the source of your own power, you fuel it with your confidence — a precious creation built with your Power Tools.

Millions of women have been unable to push past the fear and grab the tools they already possess and desperately need. Do they just need someone to tell them that they can?

No. A simple, straightforward word of approval won't move you to grab the tool that fits your hand, matches your strength, and is designed for the work you want to do. You need more than insight and awareness to change behavior. Knowing about Power Tools is only one step in the process. You also need to understand:

• What the tools are
• The purpose of each tool
• How to identify where and when you've used a tool successfully
• How to identify where and when you could use a tool but aren't currently using it
• What's stopping you from using the tool you want
• How to create strategies that will put the needed tool in your hand
• How to practice
• How to achieve mastery

You can start by eliminating two behaviors that add clutter to your toolbox: habit and speed. Do they sound familiar to you?

Habit. You don't pick the right tool from your toolbox simply because you've never used it in a particular situation. Even though you are an interpersonal skill master on your job, you drop the toolbox at your front door. Maybe you have the family and home routine down pat, but your toolbox never gets through the office door. As a creature of routine, you tend to stick to your patterns, and when, like cement, they harden into habits, they're tough to break. Just because you've gotten used to the way things are doesn't mean that you don't hunger for something that allows you to feel more competent. It can be hard to break an unproductive routine.

Speed. You're the victim of your schedule, cramming as much as you can into a finite twenty-four hours. Any reflection is done on the fly, between errands or chores. You leave strategizing to those who have the luxury of spare time. You want more control but are too busy to take it, plan for it, or think about how you might attain it. You tell yourself that taking a break might make perfect sense for someone else, but they probably don't have all of your activities, concerns, and responsibilities. You have too much to do and too little time in which to think about getting it all done.

I see women often caught up in chaotic routines that don't really work well, unable to grab any Power Tool that might help. In this book, I will show you how to solve the time crunch and replace your bad habits with a good habit — using your Power Tools. Through practice and mastery of your Power Tools, you'll connect with your good judgment and disconnect yourself from unproductive behaviors.

The Power Within

I'll tell you a secret. This book is about real power and power is a tricky thing for women. We want to have it, but fear others knowing we do. We want the results that come with power, but in our dreams, the world gives them to us covertly. We'd like others to magically read our minds. That way, things would go our way, but we wouldn't have to deal with any of the unpleasantness that might result if we had used our power!

The woman who wields too much power is resented or viewed as ruthless or controlling. Afraid of this image, we often give our power away. We let our tools fall from our capable hands and squander our most valuable resource.

Consider the women whose power and success are denigrated or unacknowledged:

• While many attest to the intelligence and acumen of Hillary Clinton, whenever she asserts herself, her popularity rating goes down in the polls.

• When Dr. Laura Schlessinger, radio talk show host and advice columnist, tried to advance her visibility to the next level with a television show, there was a backlash and her show was canceled, even though her message had stayed the same.

• Newspaper articles trumpet that 50 percent of MBA graduates are women; yet only a small number of women are in senior management positions.

• Martha Stewart is perhaps the most successful entrepreneurial businesswoman in the United States. Financial records were set when her self-named company went public. Yet she is the object of much public scorn and parody for her message of empowerment for homemakers.

• Oprah Winfrey's highly visible conglomerate Harpo is successful in television, movies, publishing, the Internet, and media production, and her personal worth is routinely touted on the financial news. Yet the media often focus on her marital status and weight instead of her philanthropic work and financial success.

While these successful women may be given their due begrudgingly, it comes with a personal zinger aimed to hurt. Small wonder women are reluctant to claim their own power.

Copyright © 2002 by Joni Daniels. Excerpted by permission of Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Joni Daniels is the founder and principal of Daniels & Associates, a consulting group specializing in personal and professional development. Her clients include FannieMae, Educational Testing Services, Marriott International, Merck, the Department of Defense, AIG Life Companies, and more. She lives outside Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.