What Holds Us Back

Power Tools for Women
by Joni Daniels

(Page 2 of 6)

Patty had been employed with a local college for many years when a dean's position became available. As she reviewed the requirements, she recognized that her previous positions had provided her with the experiences needed to qualify for the job, yet she didn't think she had much of a chance at being considered for it. Patty assumed that this position would go to someone who had a Ph.D., but at the prodding of her counterpart at another college, she submitted her application. She was astonished when she was offered the job. Patty had been paying attention to the voice in her head that was whispering, "You aren't a dean."

Given Patty's wealth of experience and great employment history, where did that voice come from? She told me that when she was in the fifth grade, she struggled with math. When her math wizard brother would tutor her, he was amazed at how much trouble she had with the subject matter. "How stupid can you be?" he would ask, annoyed with her inability to replicate his success. Patty learned quickly that in order to avoid that terrible sinking feeling when a poor test grade was returned, she would have to work harder to get the same grades as her classmates. Even then, she inevitably fell short of her brother's success. At fifty-six, she still feels driven to work twice as hard to be considered for the same positions as her male colleagues. The excessive efforts she makes to bolster her confidence sufficiently have become a burden. The voice in her head was created for a struggling fifth-grade math student, not a grown woman with an impressive work history. Patty is ready to bring her toolbox with her to the office.

Patty, like many women in my seminars, works hard to avoid appearing "less than" in any way. To avoid that feeling of discomfort, and to reduce our feelings of inadequacy, many of us overcompensate with overkill. Cautioned to be careful while our brothers are encouraged to take risks, we work vigilantly to insure our safety, supporting ourselves with a long list of accomplishments, even better if it's a longer list than a male counterpart's. We need the confidence of Power Tools to enjoy our accomplishments; not hide behind them.

Nothing to Fear but Fear

You may not always feel like using your Power Tools. Not everyone is interested in doing home-improvement projects over the weekend. You may be more inclined to delegate or decline some tasks. But having the ability to grab your Power Tools and use them with skill means you have the advantage of determining if and when you will use them.

The factors that make women disinclined to use Power Tools are many: society, mothers, fathers, school, religion, corporate America, the media, and history all play a part. But while the other factors may be out of your control, you can control your thoughts and your actions. When it comes to using Power Tools, the biggest problem is your own behavior.

Logic alone is not persuasive. If it were, we'd read the warning on a pack of cigarettes that smoking causes cancer and toss it in the trash. You'd read this book and determine that using Power Tools in all domains of your life is the obvious choice. The logic would be linear, pure, and simple:

I own a set of Power Tools. ? When I use them, I can accomplish my goals. ? My goals are important. ? Doing important things makes me happy. ? I want to be happy. ? I'll use my Power Tools.

If it's so reasonable, what's the problem? Well, logic is one thing, and fear is quite another. Logic doesn't address the emotional component that makes up a big part of our fear.

Fear of consequences

What happens if I don't use a tool well?

What will people think if I use this tool?

What happens if I look foolish?

What happens if the tool doesn't work?

Fear of using power

When other people use power, I lose out. Therefore, if I use power, someone will lose out.

It isn't ladylike to be powerful.

A woman who uses power is a bitch.

If I don't use power, someone will come along and help me.

Fear of appearing disingenuous

I don't want to be someone I'm not.

Using tools should come naturally.

I don't want to manipulate others.

Fear of failing

If I can't use my Power Tools, things really are hopeless.

If I don't do this well, I'm a failure.

If I can't improve in my use of tools, I'll disappoint others and myself.

I'll feel worse if others can use Power Tools and I can't.

How can we handle our fear of consequences?

• What happens if I don't use a tool well? Since you already have some experience with this tool, you have the potential to get better at using it.

• What will people think if I use this tool? They'll be impressed that you are seizing your own power.

• What happens if I look foolish? You will look like you're learning. (And after some time has passed, you may be able to laugh at yourself.)

• What happens if the tool doesn't work? Then something else will.

How can we reduce our fear of using power?

• When other people use their power, I lose out. Therefore, if I use my power, someone will lose out. Just because other people abuse their power doesn't mean you have to do the same or that you will. You can also choose to use your power to help others.

• It isn't ladylike to be powerful. Power is a noun, not a gender.

• Power = Aggressive = Bitch. The B-word is a strategy used by others to keep you from using your power. A bitch uses power without respect. You can choose to be powerful and respectful.

• If I don't use power, someone will come along and help me. Don't bet on it. You don't need to wait for someone else in order to be more effective. You shouldn't wait.

How can we reduce our fear of appearing disingenuous?

• I don't want to be someone I'm not. You're not pretending to be someone else when you use Power Tools. You are just behaving in new ways.

• Using tools should come naturally. Some of them do come naturally. Some will require a bit more effort. Driving your car is an acquired skill.

• I don't want to manipulate others. Power Tools are used to exercise more control over yourself, not others.

How can we reduce the fear of failing?

• If I can't use my Power Tools, things really are hopeless. You can use them and you already have used them.

• If I don't do this well, I'm a failure. As long as you're working on using your Power Tools, you aren't failing.

• If I can't improve in my use of tools, I'll disappoint others and myself. Realistic expectations will buoy your spirits. Improvement comes in small increments as well as larger ones.

• I'll feel worse if others can use Power Tools and I can't. You can use every single Power Tool. The degree to which you excel in ability is unique to you. Using your Power Tools is not a competition.

Copyright © 2002 by Joni Daniels. Excerpted by permission of Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Joni Daniels is the founder and principal of Daniels & Associates, a consulting group specializing in personal and professional development. Her clients include FannieMae, Educational Testing Services, Marriott International, Merck, the Department of Defense, AIG Life Companies, and more. She lives outside Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.