Where Did Our Love Go? Part 2

Not Your Mother's Divorce
by Kay Moffett, Sarah Touborg

(Page 2 of 2)

Europe, on the other hand, while being in many ways more old-fashioned, is less fixated on marriage. Many Europeans cohabitate for decades and have several children without getting married. The New York Times ran an article on the topic on March 24, 2002, citing the following figures: in Iceland, 62 percent of all births were to unwed parents in 1999, in Norway the statistic was 49 percent, in France 41 percent, in Britain 38 percent, and in Ireland, where divorce only became legal seven years ago, the number was 31 percent, a figure on a par with the United States. The Europeans quoted in the article maintained that in Europe there's little social distinction made between being married and cohabitating, or between children born out of wedlock and those born within a marriage. The Times attributed this more laissez-faire view of marriage to changing attitudes toward religion and the state and a growing belief that "when — and whether — to marry are increasingly seen as deeply personal choices free from the traditional moral judgments of community, family or church."

In America, however, getting married is still a central part of leading a "good life" and being successful. Even for Americans who are less religious and less typically traditional in their values, it's de rigueur to marry if you want to have "made it" in life. And, for more religious folk, it's also part of being "good" in the eyes of the big man in the sky. But, regardless of who you are, in much of America today you're considered only a partial success if you're a highly accomplished, professional (straight) man or woman but have never married. And couples who stay together a long time but never marry are constantly questioned about why they don't "make it official," as if they are somehow less of a couple or less committed to each other if they don't sign a legal document and throw an extravagant party called a wedding.

It makes sense, then, that those of us who are eager to be successful and attain the good life would get married earlier rather than later. The young divorcees in our book, including ourselves, were generally high-achievers, college grads who pursued careers, so it's not surprising we felt drawn to wed when we found someone appropriate and the time felt right. Just like we wanted to get good grades, get a good job, and start building a career we would be proud of, we wanted to attain the traditional markers of success in our personal lives. And while goals are important in life and can help you attain what you want, they can also sometimes become ends unto themselves, driving you into decisions somewhat quickly and perhaps blinding you to what you really need and want.

Broad cultural and generational trends, then, set the backdrop for the individual stories of those of us women who marry — and divorce — relatively young. However, each of us has our own very particular story which encompasses both these subtle internalized societal pressures and a unique personal and familial history that explains why we married when and who we did.

Leaping Before Looking: The Aspirations of a Young Heart

Even with this larger context in mind, young divorcees can often feel that their decision-making around their marriage was somewhat faulty — that they either hadn't thought the choice through very well or used dubious reasons for tying the knot. Often the decision-making involved unconscious desires and needs that only came to the surface after the relationship ended. While some women knew they were making a mistake the day they said their vows, most of the women we spoke with did not have this inkling of doubt. Rather, they thought at the time, as the people they were at the time, that they were making the right choice for themselves. Looking back on the experience, the young divorcees we talked to gave a variety of explanations for why they made the decision to marry.

First and Only Love

Some women marry the first man they have a real relationship with, their first real love. These women are often somewhat late bloomers in the romantic arena, even though they've already achieved success academically and perhaps professionally. Sydney, for instance, hadn't had much experience with guys and met her ex-husband in college. The way she felt with him opened up a whole new way of being to her: "To be so loved and adored by him was, in a way, the attraction." Looking back, she's not sure she was ever deeply in love with him, but she loved being loved and having a steady boyfriend, so when he asked her to marry him a couple of years later, she felt nervous but also felt she "had better say yes."

Mehta, too, had had little experience with men when, at age twenty-one, she met the man who would become her husband in the office where she worked while finishing college. He was somewhat older and worldly wise, and she admired his extensive knowledge and intellect. He made her feel special, which she had never felt before. Because he was all she had ever known romantically and because she wanted to be married by a certain age, largely due to pressure from her parents, they tied the knot.

Tanya remarks about her ex-husband, "He was my first real love, it was the first totally mutual love I'd ever had after casual things and some unrequited things in college, and we had a strong spiritual connection as well." She met him in Ecuador and when they moved to the United States and he needed a green card, she didn't think twice about marrying him.

Some women marry the first man they have a substantial relationship with, the only serious romantic love they have ever known, partly because he is the only thing they can imagine. Divorcees who fit into this category often say that they didn't contemplate the decision much, it just seemed like the next natural thing to do.

Shelter from the Storm

Some young women turn to marriage as source of safety, a harbor from a chaotic upbringing or a confusing adult world. Miranda, for instance, married K. because she felt she could really trust him versus some of the caregivers in her upbringing. She felt he would never leave her and would take care of her. On the flip side, Rachel had a very protected upbringing and was scared of wandering out into the world beyond her hometown. She was also professionally lost and perplexed about her calling in life. When her boyfriend moved to a big city and asked her to marry him, she agreed, partly because he was an anchor to hold on to and a safe way for her to leave her comfort zone and explore new places.

Looking back, these women all felt they made the decision to marry based largely on fear and that, for this reason, the decision came back to haunt them. In Miranda's words, "The truth is, when I got married the first time [she has since remarried], it was from weakness . . . I think I met up with a person whose weaknesses fit like a puzzle piece with mine, so that he propped me up in my weak places. But I don't think that's a way to grow."

Copyright © 2003 by Kay Moffett and Sarah Touborg. Excerpted by permission of Broadway, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Kay Moffett is a Web editor and corporate writer.

Sarah Touborg is an executive editor at Prentice Hall.