The Most Romantic Man in the World

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts And You Don't Know Why
by Susan Forward, Ph.D., Joan Torres

Is this the way love is supposed to feel?

• Does the man you love assume the right to control how you live and behave?
• Have you given up important activities or people to keep him happy?
• Is he extremely jealous and possessive?
• Does he switch from charm to anger without warning?
• Does he belittle your opinions, your feelings, or your accomplishments?
• Does he withdraw love, money, approval, or sex to punish you?
• Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship?
• Do you find yourself "walking on eggs" and apologizing all the time?

If the questions here reveal a familiar pattern, you may be in love with a misogynist — a man who loves you, yet causes you tremendous pain because he acts as if he hates you.

In this superb self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the voices of men and women trapped in these negative relationships to help you understand your man's destructive pattern and the part you play in it.

She shows how to break the pattern, heal the hurt, regain your self-respect, and either rebuild your relationship or find the courage to love a truly loving man.

Chapter 1

It's the Rodgers and Hammerstein way to fall in love. You see him across a crowded room, your eyes meet, and that certain thrill surges through you. Your palms grow damp when he stands near you; your heart beats faster; everything in your body seems to be more alive. This is the dream of happiness, sexual fulfillment, and completion. This man will appreciate and be responsive to you. Just being near him is exciting and wonderful. When it happens it's overpowering. We've come to call it romantic love.

Rosalind was 45 when she met Jim. She is a striking woman, tall, with auburn hair and a trim figure, which she works hard to keep in shape. She has a distinctive style of dressing that shows off her height and her artistic flair. She owns an antique shop and is a successful dealer, collector, and appraiser of advertising art, which is her specialty. Rosalind was married twice before and has a grown son. She was excited about meeting Jim because she'd heard so much about him from her friends. They took her to hear him play with a local jazz group. Afterward, when the four of them went out for a drink, Rosalind felt very drawn to Jim, who was tall, dark, and extremely good-looking.

Jim and I were very attracted to each other. We talked about kids and music. He told me he'd been married before and that his two kids lived with him. I was impressed with that. He was interested in hearing about my antique shop because he was doing some furniture refinishing and was interested in the market in general. He asked me if he could see me again the next night. When the check came, I could see he didn't have much money, so I volunteered to make us dinner at my place for our next date. He took my hand and squeezed it and just caught my eyes with his for a moment. I could tell he was grateful that I'd understood his position.

The next day I thought about him constantly, and when he came over that night it was wonderful. After dinner I put on the music to A Star Is Born, being the romantic nut that I am, and so there we were, dancing to this music in my living room; he's holding me so close and the world is just spinning around me. Here's this man who really likes me, who's strong, who's willing to work on a relationship. All this stuff is flashing through my mind while I'm floating away with him, feeling so terrific. It was the most romantic thing that ever happened to me.

Jim was 36 when he met Rosalind. He was as carried away as she was by their romance; she was the woman he'd been looking for all his life. As he later told me:

She was beautiful and had a figure that wouldn't quit. She had her own business and was making a go of it by herself. She'd raised her son and seemed to have done a good job of that. I'd never met anyone like her. She was outgoing and bubbly and enthusiastic about everything I was doing with my life, even about my kids. She was perfect. I started calling all my friends to tell them about her. I even called my mother. I tell you, I never felt like that before. I never thought about anyone so much or dreamed about them all the time like I dreamed about her. I mean, this was really different.

After their third date, Rosalind started writing her name with his last name to see how it looked. She canceled social engagements for fear of missing his calls; and Jim didn't disappoint her. Instead of behaving like a "typical man," he became as involved with her as she was with him. He always phoned when he said he would - no more waiting for weeks for a man to call - and he never put his work ahead of his need to see her. Together, they were on an exciting emotional roller-coaster.

My client Laura's whirlwind courtship started out literally "across a crowded room." At the time, she was a successful account executive for a major cosmetics firm, a very pretty woman with light brown hair, dark almond-shaped eyes, and a slender figure. She was 34 when she and Bob first met. She was out one evening with a woman friend at a restaurant:

I had gone to make a phone call and when I returned to our table there was this very handsome man sitting there talking to my friend. He had noticed me and was waiting for my return. There was electricity between us from that first moment. I don't think I was ever so attracted to anyone before in my life. He had those flashing eyes that I just can't resist. I was so turned on by him that I couldn't wait to go to bed with him.

We got together the next night for our first date. He took me to a lovely little restaurant on the ocean, and he took care of ordering. He's one of those men who knows all about wines and foods and I just love that in a man. He seemed interested in everything about me - what I did, how I felt about things, what I liked. I talked and talked and he just sat there, gazing at me with those electric eyes, absorbing everything I said. After dinner we went back to my place and listened to music together, and then I seduced him. He was too much of a gentleman. I loved that about him. Of course, it was terrific with him sexually, and that was it. I felt closer to him than I ever had to any man before in my life.

Bob was 40, working as a sales representative for a clothing manufacturer. He told Laura he had been divorced the year before. Within the first month of their relationship, he and Laura moved in together and he began to talk about getting married. When he introduced her to his two young children, they all hit it off immediately. Bob's obvious devotion to his children made Laura feel even closer to him.

Jackie and Mark's romance started out as a blind date. It became a serious involvement that very first night. As Jackie described it to me:

I opened my door and saw this incredibly handsome man standing there. He just smiled at me. The first words out of his mouth were, "Can I use your phone?" I blinked and said yes, and he walked over to the phone and called the guy who had introduced us and said, "John, you were right. She's everything you said she was." That was only the beginning of the evening!

Jackie was a petite, vicacious 30-year-old when she and Mark met. She was working as a teacher in an elementary school, supporting her two children from a previous marriage, while trying to get her doctorate. Mark was 38 and had recently run for public office. Jackie remembered seeing his picture on billboards around town. She was very impressed with him and extremely flattered by his attentions to her.

We were having dinner with John, who had introduced us, and his wife. She turned to me and said, "I know you two have just met but I've never seen two people look so right together." Then she took my hand and said, "You are going to marry this man." Mark nodded and said to me, "Pay attention to what she's saying. She's a very smart girl." Then he whispered to me, "You've got a problem and his name is Mark." I laughed and replied "Why, are you going to be around for a while?" "I certainly am," he said. Then, when he took me home that night, we were sitting in the car in front of my house and he kissed me and said, "I know this sounds crazy, but I'm in love with you." Now that's romantic.

The next morning, when he called me, I told him that I wouldn't hold him to anything he'd said the night before. His response was, "I'll repeat every word of it right now."

Jackie felt like she was on a magic carpet from that evening on. Mark's falling in love with her so quickly completely swept her off her feet.

Copyright © 2001 by Susan Forward, M.D. and Joan Torres. Excerpted by permission of Bantam, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Susan Forward, Ph.D., is an internationally renowned therapist, lecturer, and author of the number one New York Times bestsellers Toxic Parents and Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, as well as Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation, Money Demons, Emotional Blackmail, When Your Lover Is a Liar, and Toxic In-Laws.

Joan Torres is an award-winning freelance writer with extensive movie and television credits.