Surrendering Who You Are Not, Part 2

Living from the Inside Out
by Jean-Marie Hamel, Ph.D.

(Page 2 of 2)

False Beliefs

Most limiting thoughts emerge from false beliefs like rolled dough cropped by cookie cutters. First, these beliefs mold our perceptions, causing us to see the world as we presume it must be, not as it is. Then we begin interpreting events through these molds. As a result, we become conditioned to a narrow repertoire of perceptions that fail to allow for deviating information, no matter how honest or advantageous it may be.

While growing up on a Louisiana farm, I learned a valuable lesson from my family's pet elephant, Lady Lemah (the family name spelled backward), a lesson I later discovered is also the story of an ancient folktale. Lady Lemah taught me to question my beliefs and become willing to see events from a new perspective. As a baby, any time she was alone in our front yard my father would wrap a heavy chain around one of her back legs and tie it to a large stake anchored deep in the ground. She would rock back and forth, pulling hard to break free. Eventually realizing that she couldn't, she gave up the struggle. Somewhere in her gray matter she must have formed the belief that she was too weak to escape. Then, even as Lady Lemah grew bigger and strong enough to easily snap that chain, she refused to budge, apparently resigned to her presumed fate. It was astonishing to see a huge animal fall victim to a relatively small chain because of an outdated belief about her capabilities. Had Lady Lemah been able to reexamine her beliefs, she would have found the information she was working with had become completely inaccurate. As it was, she continued viewing her present through the cookie-cutter lens of her past.

You, on the other hand, can see yourself differently today than in the past. Endowed with the endless capacity to evaluate your beliefs, you can release those that undermine your best efforts and replace them with beliefs that better express your true nature.

To begin, any time you feel governed by a false belief, own up to it. In acknowledging it, you take authority over it. Here are ten common culprits that may be seriously distorting your picture of reality:

• I am responsible for the feelings of others.
• My past mistakes are unforgivable.
• I am unworthy of pleasure.
• Others' insights are more important than my own.
• I should be perfect at all times.
• I mess up everything I touch.
• People will take advantage of me.
• I must control my family, friends, and coworkers in order to feel safe.
• Nobody understands me.
• I'll never get what I want.

Thoughts and decisions molded by such beliefs are pure fabrications and reflect nothing about who you really are. They can weigh you down with needless burdens, intrude on your natural spontaneity, and keep you plotting and planning for no good reason. So alert yourself to any belief that may be holding you back from adventure and growth.

Start where you are and use the tool of awareness to investigate any personal reactive statements that denote judgments, comparisons, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, fears, or suffering. If you discover any allegations that indicate the composite of a martyr or scapegoat or contain or imply the words should, ought to, or have to, you've probably identified a false belief. Next, you might want to check for restrictive cultural, organizational, family, religious, community, or peer group positions that you habitually follow.

After identifying a predator, try to recall when you first adopted it. What circumstances gave rise to this perception? Are they still present in your life? Does the belief continue to serve your best interests? If you hold on to this belief, will it give you the results you want? To gain greater awareness and leverage, make a list of the negative effects generated by sustaining this belief as well as a list recognizing the benefits of releasing it. Then honestly ask yourself, "Is it in my highest interest to sacrifice it?" If your answer is a resounding, "Yes!" the next questions are "Am I willing to surrender it?" and "When?"

When you are ready to relinquish your false belief, acknowledge that you are demonstrating the power of conscious choice, tell yourself you will no longer invest energy in the limiting belief, or even give it a second thought. Then replace it with a more honest belief to focus on instead. Examples include the following:

• I am responsible for honoring all parts of myself.
• I am learning from each of my experiences.
• I am worthy and deserve the best.
• My insights are valuable and deserve my attention.
• Who I am is enough.
• My life is a gift and a blessing.
• I am in charge of my responses and reactions.
• The power of love is more fulfilling than the love of power.
• I trust the wisdom of my heart.
• It is up to me to use my energy effectively.

Punitive Judgments

Other limiting thoughts come from punitive judgments. By-products of false beliefs, these judgments hold us accountable for our convictions, levying a severe sentence. For example, whenever you believe that you or someone else is wrong (bad, incompetent, immoral), this condemnation takes root inside of you, spawning more negativity and criticism. To save face, you may attempt to disown the condemning part of you. Moreover, all thoughts based on that initial judgment will distance you from your loving nature. Many people steeped in punitive judgments become so confused and disoriented that they can see only an occasional glimmer of their own divine essence.

Surrendering negative judgments about yourself can help to put you back in touch with your divine essence and your joy. The first step is to recognize these punitive decrees. They may sound harsh, like the following:

• I am a loser, because I'm not smart (attractive, talented, worldly) enough.
• I'm an ungrateful creep for not acknowledging my parents' assistance.
• I'm a wimp for feeling hurt just because someone turned me down.
• I'm a bad person for breaking my diet with a chocolate ice cream cone.
• I'm a jerk for demanding that others do things my way.
• It's wrong for me to feel jealous just because my coworker got a promotion.
• I deserve punishment for my past behaviors.
• I'm a moron for trying to please others instead of being true to myself.
• Only a fool would feel this anxious about their future.
• I'm an idiot for tuning out my divinity.

The thoughts and decisions that spring from judging yourself can be brutal. You could end up compromising your integrity, settling for less than satisfying relationships, or even refusing to let others please you. So each time you uncover a judgment inside, release it by applying lavish doses of forgiveness. Do your best to open your heart and pardon yourself for the verdict you have delivered.

Copyright © 2004 by Jean-Marie Hamel, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Harmony, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Jean-Marie Hamel, Ph.D., is a keynote speaker, life coach, workshop facilitator, and professor. She has worked with thousands of people in the United States and abroad and has degrees in human development and spiritual psychology. She lives in Santa Barbara, California.