Surrendering Who You Are Not

Living from the Inside Out
by Jean-Marie Hamel, Ph.D.

We spend so much time putting the pieces of our lives into place - the right job, the right home, the right relationship - that we often find ourselves governed by a carefully crafted lifestyle rather than living an authentic life. In order to find a true sense of connection and appreciation, we need to look beyond the limitations we've created and celebrate who we really are inside. Many of us have heard this idea before or perhaps have discovered it for ourselves, but rarely have we had the benefit of a guide like Jean-Marie Hamel to give us the tools to incorporate it into our daily lives. Turning spiritual principles into practical advice, she helps us cut through clutter, distractions, and misplaced priorities to find the soulful path to a more purposeful and meaningful life, on our own terms. With Living from the Inside Out, the dream of greater self-fulfillment can become a concrete reality.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the butterfly calls the beginning.

— ZEN SAYING

Master artists know that surrender is the key to creating anything of enduring value. When Italian artist Michelangelo was asked how he sculpted David, he replied he carved away everything that wasn't David. His vision was so clear and unobstructed that he could view this magnificent figure in a block of raw marble and release the excess stone, allowing the form to emerge. Spanish painter Pablo Picasso voiced a similar observation when he said, "Every act of creation begins with an act of destruction." You too can release what no longer serves you and then rise to your magnificence.

People setting forth to meet their soul are astonished by the amount of excess inner "baggage" they have accumulated over the years. There are limiting thoughts that drive the mind crazy with self-doubt, crippling emotions that send us on daily roller-coaster spins, and countless disempowering behaviors that sabotage our best efforts toward harmony and well-being. All are components of the personality, adopted early in life either to win love and affection from primary caregivers or to furnish armor against physical or emotional pain. Now, however, these debilitating personality traits are mere camouflage concealing our true spirit, the enduring source of love and protection, so it is best to relinquish them.

"How will I know when I'm ready to give them up?" you might wonder. Thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that restrict the view of your authentic self at your core not only hinder you from experiencing your vast potential but also make you sick and tired — anxiety ridden and sapped of energy. You will know it's time to shed them when you are exhausted from living a sham. At that point you will recognize that engaging in the same thoughts, emotions, and behaviors can only produce the same results as before. Just as Zen practitioners relinquish years of learning in an effort to return to "beginner's mind," you too can part with your camouflage.

"How do I do that?" you might ask. The answer is simple but the way is rarely easy. You can divest yourself of debilitating personality traits first by refusing to give them energy and, second, by replacing them with traits of greater value, filling yourself with qualities from the inside.

In surrendering who you are not, you will be shedding your counterfeit self for a direct experience of your essential essence. As bogus elements fall away, you may feel a twinge of regret at losing them, or embarrassment at having had them. This is only natural. But rather than dwell on your losses, keep moving forward, just as you would if shedding unwanted pounds. Acknowledge that these parts once served you, bless them, and take your next step toward freedom.

Along the way, exercise patience. In nature, where the old is cleared to make way for the new, enduring changes can take more time than fleeting ones. In myths, where birth often begins with death, timetables vary. So prepare for the long haul, hope for a shorter one, and honor your own timing, aware that your reality is being transformed. One day you will regard yourself no longer as a physical organism of this world but as a spiritual essence in this world.

Letting Go of Limiting Thoughts

Limiting thoughts are toxic. They contaminate us with unwarranted doubts about our potential. These thoughts have us convinced that we are bad, worthless, incapable of loving and being loved. At night they plague us with visions of abandonment and loneliness; by day they assure us that others' motives cannot be trusted.

Rarely do we consider where these thoughts came from. When we do, we discover they were simply opinions or guesses — conclusions drawn from a partial sampling of information. For example, if you see a cat limping along the road, you might conclude it was hit by a passing car, whereas in fact the cat may have stepped on a thorn. Similarly, if your beau flinches when you mention your salary, you might conclude that making more money than he does will cause him to withdraw his affection. An erroneous deduction of this magnitude could have you believing an unfortunate lie and living as if it were the truth.

Most erroneous conclusions are rooted in either false beliefs or punitive judgments. In both instances, prior conditioning has led us to give credence to a distortion of the truth. When your mind is gathering information from unreliable sources, you can easily misinterpret a situation, condemn yourself for having had such a thought, especially if it's negative, and misconstrue the belief or judgment as fact. Your resulting confusion and mistrust can then infect your understanding of other situations, continuing the vicious cycle.

Copyright © 2004 by Jean-Marie Hamel, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Harmony, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Jean-Marie Hamel, Ph.D., is a keynote speaker, life coach, workshop facilitator, and professor. She has worked with thousands of people in the United States and abroad and has degrees in human development and spiritual psychology. She lives in Santa Barbara, California.