The Male Mind And Body, Part 2

How to Iron Your Own Damn Shirt
by Craig Boreth

(Page 2 of 2)

Getting a close shave is actually quite easy, but for some reason men have been misinformed over the generations and have suffered needlessly. Actually, since we're incapable of asking for help, just like our fathers and their fathers before them, we're pretty much using the same technique employed by our great-great-grandfathers back in the old shtetl in Minsk. It's time to update things a bit.

First of all, modernizing does not necessarily mean new technology. I've never known those electric shavers to work. They look pretty good in the commercials, but as I'm told, commercials are not the most accurate reflection of reality (who knew?). So, get your hands on a good disposable razor, with at least two blades. I'm partial to the Gillette Sensor, but I'll use whatever higher-end razor they've got at Costco that day.

Now, next time your wife drags you to one of those big department stores, head straight for the men's grooming section. Tell them you want a good shave cream and aftershave (and, if you really want to take the plunge, invest in a badger-hair brush, and then buy shave cream designed for use with it). Specialty brands like Kiehl's will make all the difference over the products you've been using, by taking care of your skin and setting you up for a great shave.

Timing is the key to a close shave. You always want to shave after you shower. The steam and hot water from the shower will open up your pores and soften your beard. When you get out of the shower, crank up the hot water in the sink, as hot as you can stand it. If you've ever wondered why anyone would ever need a washcloth, here's your answer: Soak that sucker with hot water, apply it to your face, and hold it there for a few seconds. Before applying the shave cream, you may want to try using a facial scrub to exfoliate your skin. Kiehl's sells a Pineapple Papaya Facial Scrub that works wonders.

Next apply the shave cream. Forget about those foams and gels you've been using. It's time to get a real cream that you apply by hand or with a brush. If you've got sensitive skin, be sure to use a cream with mint or chamomile to soothe your skin. Kiehl's Green Eagle Shave Cream works great. Forget about lathering up, all you want is a barely visible film, enough to protect your face but not clog up your razor. Using your fingertips or a shaving brush, massage the shave cream into your beard in tight, circular motions, starting with an upward motion (against the grain). When you're done, get the hot water running again, wash off your hands, place your razor in the sink, and cover it with hot water. This gives you a little time to admire your manly physique before the metal meets the mug.

Start your shave with the least sensitive parts of your face, usually the cheeks. Use smooth, steady downward strokes, rinsing the razor thoroughly after every few strokes. For most men, the neck is the most sensitive part, so we'll leave that for last and do the chin and upper lip next. This gives the moisturizer in the shave cream the maximum possible time to soften up your beard. When you get to the neck, keep in mind that you want to keep shaving with the grain, which in some cases may not be downward but sort of sideways toward your throat. Just follow the grain on your face and you'll be all right.

When you're done, check for any missed spots (especially along the jawline), then rinse your face with warm water and pat dry with a towel (don't wipe your face-it can irritate freshly shaven skin). Then apply just a little bit of alcohol-free moisturizing aftershave.

There you go, nothing but smooth shaving from now on. And, by the way, about those nubile young coeds? It ain't gonna happen, beard or no beard, so get over it.

How to Eliminate Gas

Like peeing in the shower or testing a nine-volt battery on your tongue, recognizing the intrinsic humor in flatulence clearly distinguishes men from women. From SBDs to Dutch ovens, we have created our own little stinky ecosystem around our love of farting. And yet, since women still refuse to recognize the humor in it, the perfection-seeking husband must find a way to tame his boisterous bowels.

There are many things a man can do to stifle his nether wind. None of these solutions are permanent, so if you've got a fishing weekend with the boys coming up, rest assured that you can easily fire up the big guns again with just a flew slices of pepperoni pizza and a six-pack.

First, identify foods that give you the most gas, and avoid them. Most likely offenders include beans, broccoli, onions, spicy food, dairy products, high-fiber foods, ice cream, soda, and beer. Except for the beer, you can probably live without most of those. But unfortunately, fried foods and fatty foods are also on the list. And, no, fried fatty foods don't somehow cancel each other out and make both acceptable. Nice try, though. You may want to try eliminating one food at a time, and see if that makes a difference. It may just be that only one or two foods bring the vapors, and everything else is fine.

Next, address the way you eat. Try eating five or six small meals throughout the day, rather than two or three huge meals. Just be careful that you don't end up eating five or six huge meals. While you're eating, be sure to eat slowly, take small bites, and chew your food thoroughly. Try to relax when you're eating, and avoid eating meals in your car or on the run. Also, eating with your mouth open or talking while you eat increases your chances of getting gas. Finally, try a cup of peppermint tea at the end of a meal; it can calm your digestion. At this point, all you'd have to do is extend your pinky while sipping your tea to become the veritable Eliza Doolittle of perfect husbands.

If you're still not having any luck, you can try an antigas product such as Beano, which must be taken with your first bite of food, or other products like Lactaid, to help with lactose digestion, or acidophilus, to replenish beneficial digestive bacteria.

If all else fails, you can try Under-Ease antiflatulence underwear, which filters out the unpleasant smell of "bad human gas (malodorous flatus)." According to their website, Under-Ease is a "revolutionary new underwear for offensive gas" from "the leader in odor suppressant technology for flatulence." Can't argue with that!

I realize that with each stifled fart the world becomes a slightly less happy place, and in these troubled times we need all the laughter we can get. But that's the price of perfection.

Copyright © 2005 by Craig Boreth. Excerpted by permission of Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Craig Boreth is a perfect-husband-in-training who lives in Santa Monica, California, with his perfect wife.