The Male Mind And Body

How to Iron Your Own Damn Shirt
by Craig Boreth

Perfect Husbands Are Made, Not Born

LADIES: At long last, a practical guide to help your man become the perfect husband. How to Iron Your Own Damn Shirt is your salvation, with simple, easy-for-a-guy-to-follow instructions on those little things you can never get him to do, such as:

• How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
• How to Stop Snoring
• How to Ask for Directions
• Plus, more than 50 other essential topics (even How to Dance at a Wedding)

It's a must-have guide that will finally convince him it's in his best interest to make you happy, no matter what it takes.

GUYS: Don't panic. It's not how perfect you are, it's how perfect she thinks you are. How to Iron Your Own Damn Shirt is your key to the castle. Imagine what she'll let you get away with if you master a few skills, such as:

• How to Appear Calm While She's Driving
• How to Apologize Convincingly
• How to Enjoy a Chick Flick
• Plus, more than 50 other essential topics (even How to Hide Your Porn)

How to Iron Your Own Damn Shirt includes countless tips and tricks for keeping you sane, keeping her happy, and keeping you both laughing.

Chapter 1

How to Know Your Limitations

"Relax, all right. My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it."

— Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn), Fast Times at Ridgemont High

"Man's got to know his limitations."

—Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood), Magnum Force

This book is filled with instructions for things you need to know in order to be the perfect husband. But to start things off, let's take a moment to figure out how to know when not to do something. You're faced with a task that you figure is pretty straightforward. Your wife, of course, is skeptical, and happy to let you know it. Do you take a stand, or fold like a cheap map? Sometimes (not nearly as often as your wife would prefer, of course) a real man must admit he's completely clueless and defer to wiser minds. The question is, how do you know when to go with your gut, dive right in, and let the chips fall where they may, and when to take the mature (i.e., whipped), sensible (i.e., uninspired), and responsible (i.e., boring) path?

The two questions you must ask yourself are:

1. How difficult is this task?
2. What are the consequences if I screw it up?

You must take each factor into consideration when deciding how to proceed. For example, replacing the air filter in your home's central air-conditioning unit might be a simple maneuver. But if your in-laws are arriving tomorrow for Labor Day weekend, you'd better get a professional in there to guarantee it's done right.

The difficulty of a task is basically defined by your own familiarity with it, the accessibility of instructions for how to do it, and the number of special tools involved. If you're pretty sure you know where the air filter goes, and the guy down at Sears can get you the right filter, and all you need is a screwdriver, you're all set. But if you don't know the first thing about a project, don't have any idea where to look for help, and have never even heard of an immersion heater spanner, forget about it.

This brings us to the three areas of disastrous consequence to consider:

1. Exorbitant cost
2. Familial ridicule
3. Bodily harm

If you try to replace your car's timing belt and screw it up, you're probably in for a new engine. If you crash the aforementioned air-conditioning, you've got a weekend of sweaty in-laws ahead of you, and if you plan a best-of-seven hoops grudge match with your old college roommates, you'll likely end up hospitalized (or worse). So, here are some guidelines to help you know your limitations:

Ironically, the best way to know your limitations is to never find out what they are. That is, never get close enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel, which invariably will be the anemic fluorescent glow from a hospital room or lawyer's office. So, be honest with yourself. If you've got bad mojo around car engines, electricity, or black diamond trails, then just don't go there.

If you're seriously considering taking on a new task, follow this rule: If in doubt, hire it out. That means if you are in doubt, not if your wife is in doubt. She's not yet convinced you can gargle without choking each morning, let alone change the oil or carve a turkey. The key is how you honestly feel about your abilities. If you're really not sure, then hire a professional the first time (for the turkey carving, that means defer to her father), learn how it's done, and consider doing it yourself next time. If you're certain you can do it, there are still some steps to take to ensure that you actually can.

If you're about to embark on a project you've never done before, you've got to get your hands on authoritative instructions. That means finding a book on the subject (preferably the one you're holding in your hands right now), or a friend who knows what he's doing, or both. The book will tell you how it's done, the friend will tell you if it's possible. And all throughout this process, don't forget to always consider (1) how difficult this undertaking is and (2) what the consequences are. If, after conducting proper research and determining that both the difficulty and consequences are reasonable, only then may you proceed. Otherwise, get professional help.

See "How to Be Handy" (page 96) for some suggestions to help you do the job right. The most important tip is "Use the Correct Tool for the Job." Nothing will accentuate your ineptitude like hammering nails with a monkey wrench or scraping off putty with a kitchen knife. If you're stuck on a job because you can't jury-rig a tile cutter from a circular saw, two pizza boxes, and a garden hose, then you've reached your limit. Go out and buy the right tool, and get the job done. But even then you may want to take a moment to make sure your insurance is up to date.

One final thought: Another way to help you determine whether or not to charge forth with a particular endeavor is to think about how your obituary would read if things didn't work out quite so well. "Tragic spackling accident" is no way for a real man to go.

How to Get a Close Shave

A recent study by a British aftershave maker found that 92 percent of women prefer a clean-shaven man. The study also found that 63 percent of men believed that facial hair made men more attractive. These results suggest an intriguing connubial conundrum. She wants him to shave off the mustache or, more likely, the goatee that he's had since college (or his most recent midlife crisis). He'd rather not, believing that his facial hair is a babe magnet.

She has two options: Force him to shave, and risk him shacking up with a gaggle of nubile young coeds. Or leave him hairy, and rest assured that no young chippie is going to come along and steal him away. Given that the odds of the former scenario occurring are zero on a good day, I'm guessing she'll take her chances with a clean-shaven husband.

Salvation for the hirsute hubby lies in his learning how to get the smoothest shave with the least irritation, chafing, and blood loss.

Copyright © 2005 by Craig Boreth. Excerpted by permission of Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Craig Boreth is a perfect-husband-in-training who lives in Santa Monica, California, with his perfect wife.