Having a Child Changes Your Life, Part 2

The Gift of Motherhood: 10 Truths for Every Mother
by Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.

(Page 2 of 2)

Becky was an organized, efficient woman with a demanding job in marketing. She and her husband waited until they were both 36 to have their first baby, so Becky felt she was prepared. Since she was very accustomed to masterminding large projects in her work, she assumed she could handle her new role as a mother in much the same way. Many months after the fact, she admitted she had secretly believed she would be able to give birth and incorporate her baby into her life as it was. She would simply take the baby in stride. During her pregnancy, she organized in advance: made lists, ordered furniture, did all the "required" reading, and made arrangements with her office for how things were to be handled while she was on maternity leave. She prepared well and felt confident that it would all go according to plan.

The problem was that newborns don't tend to fit into preset agendas. (Talk to any woman with a child and she'll confirm that!) It wasn't as easy as she'd imagined to just fold the baby into her schedule. Becky planned to work from home every day from one to three, but her new daughter, Brooke, had no intention of taking a nap when Mom had planned for it. Whenever Becky was on an important phone call, Brooke would start to cry. When she tried to pack up Brooke's things to get the two of them out the door on time to make a lunch appointment, Brooke promptly threw up all over everything, and they had to go back inside and start over. Becky and her husband had agreed in advance that they would take turns going to the gym in the morning, a routine that was important to both of them, but they were both often too exhausted to even consider exercising. Even their plans to continue their Saturday morning ritual of picking up coffee and taking it to the park by the river were interrupted because the only thing that would satisfy their baby in the mornings was watching a video.

"I definitely thought I had it all figured out," Becky told me, laughing. "It was all going to go according to how I planned. I figured that if I was organized enough it would be easy. The strange thing is that the more in control you think you are, the more challenging it is to adapt."

Becky's problem was that she was resisting the new rhythm of her life. She was rigidly clinging to the way things used to be (and the way she envisioned they "should be"), and as a result, was frustrated and depleted most of the time. Her life wasn't running according to plan. The dance had changed, and she was out of step.

I interviewed many women as I was writing this book, and when I asked them what changed about their lives when they became mothers, almost all of them mentioned the loss of absolute control over how they allocated their time and energy. Where before they were accustomed to arranging their lives around what they and their partner wanted, now they were at the mercy of a larger force in a smaller package that required them to yield to its wants and needs.

After my daughter Jennifer was born, I was most surprised by the fact that what I did every day had to change. Before she was born, I organized my days around "what needed to be done and what I wanted to do." Suddenly, the way I spent my time was no longer determined by my wishes and desires. Instead, it was now dictated by Jennifer's timetable and requirements. If she was hungry, it was mealtime, no matter where we were. If she was cranky, it was lullaby time. If she wanted attention, it was playtime. And so it went. It took me awhile to adjust to this shift, since up until that point I hadn't really been accountable to anyone except my mate, my clients, and myself. Of course, the demands changed as Jennifer grew, but those first few months were a real challenge.

There is a popular myth that the maternal instinct will enable you to handle all this with grace and ease — that the bliss of a newborn eclipses all the chaos and fears. Yet talk to any woman who is in the midst of those first few months, and she will tell you it is hard work! You don't just snap your fingers and effortlessly glide into the role of "mother." Beyond all there is to learn and do, there is a tremendous adjustment that must be made. Just like all other life stages that came before, it takes time and patience to learn the new rhythms of this one. Learning to deal with all the changes is the first step.

Dealing With The Changes

What I discovered, and what many other women like Becky discovered, was that ultimately, the best way to deal with the sudden changes in your life and your routines when your baby comes along is to simply go with them. You can be in control up to a point, but flexibility is the key to surviving the first few months with a newborn. Preparation is always beneficial, but that's only what happens before the baby arrives; once you're in the thick of it, what's really needed is willingness to surrender to what is.

Motherhood is the ultimate opportunity to learn the lesson of surrender. The more rigid you are, the harder the process is. The more you try to will things to go certain ways, the more frustrated you may become. On the other hand, the more you're willing to go with the flow, the more harmonious your experience will be. When you relax into the situation, you may find new ways of being and coping that are available to you that you haven't considered before. Allowing for spontaneity invites the little miracles to happen. First steps can't be planned. You may miss the cooing sounds of your baby's giggle, or the delicious scent of her clean body after bathtime, or the peaceful look on your angel's face as she lies there fast asleep if you are too busy trying to organize things or make them run according to plan. The moments that matter rarely happen according to anyone's preset agenda.

It may take a little time, but every mother eventually creates new routines that work for her. Making the shift from being on your own or part of a couple to becoming a family isn't easy, but it can be done — and has been done millions of times before. You've transitioned before in your lifetime, and all your skills will come into play here. Trust yourself. Let go of your idea of how it was "supposed to be." Ask for guidance from other mothers whom you respect. Rely on those around you who are willing to help out, especially your partner. Relax, breathe, trust; you'll find your new rhythm in time.

A Shift in Perspective

When people ask me what I do, I always say I am a mother first. Your children represent your thoughts. Your children are a statement.

— JACQUELINE JACKSON

"Motherhood made me focus on someone else rather than myself," explains Alison, a 33-year-old mother. "It's not that I was necessarily selfish before, just more self-concerned. All decisions I made regarding my life centered around my husband and me, but every decision I make now revolves around our baby."

Alison summed up well the shift in perspective that happens when we become mothers. Whereas before we had been focused on ourselves — which is a normal and healthy way to be — now our focus shifts to a being outside ourselves. This affects everything, from what's important to us to how we spend our money to what we worry about. It can affect our views, our opinions, and even our values.

Copyright © 2002 by Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Broadway, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D., is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller If Life is a Game, These are the Rules; If Love is a Game, These are the Rules; If Success is a Game, These are the Rules; Negaholics; and If High School is a Game, Here's How to Break the Rules (combined sales of more than 1,000,000). Founder and chair of the Motivation Management Service Institute, Inc., she conducts corporate and public seminars worldwide, dividing her time between California, Nevada, and the Netherlands.