Obstacles That Get in Your Way

Esteemable Acts
by Francine Ward, JD

(Page 2 of 2)

You'll encounter many obstacles along the road to living your dreams. Some obstacles may be real, some imagined, some may be tangible, and some may be intangible. Some of those obstacles will be created by others, and some will be self-imposed. However they manifest, you will always be given the choice as to whether you give them power.

Before we move on to specific actions you can take to eliminate obstacles or lessen their potency, let's examine three of the most common stumbling blocks that can stand between you and living your dreams.

Core Beliefs as Obstacles

We are what we believe. We create our reality based on what we think. For example, what do you do in your life that stems from a childhood belief? As a kid, were you taught that vegetables are good for you? Were you taught to brush your teeth after eating because it protects your teeth and gums? Some of you will say, "Well, yes, I was taught certain things, but now I do the opposite of what I was taught." Sometimes we rebel against what we know to be right simply because an authority figure told us to do it, and that's a therapy session all by itself. But it's likely that even if we don't like what we were taught, if it was pounded into our heads over and over again, those beliefs have become an integral part of who we are unless we have made a concerted effort to change them.

In your Esteemable Acts Journal, take a moment and identify some beliefs you were raised with. For example, as a kid, what were your thoughts about television, football, piano lessons, dating, cats, poor people, and rich people? What were your thoughts about success, failure, education? To get past the obstacles that bind us we must first know what they are.

Like it or not, your beliefs determine the assumptions you make about yourself and other people, and the assumptions you make determine your attitude and your behavior — and how you behave is what defines you. When I believed I wasn't smart enough to go back to school, my actions supported my beliefs; I never even tried. Once I started believing I could do something to change the course of my life, I took actions that supported those beliefs: I enrolled in school. Getting to the place where I believed I could do what I set out to do has been a long, slow, arduous process that has required constant vigilance. I realized that if I was ever going to live the life I wanted, I'd have to confront what was holding me back, face my fears, and walk through them.

Despite the negative feelings I often had about myself, I became willing to behave contrary to those feelings. For example, when I thought I wasn't smart enough to read my schoolbooks, I forced myself to read them anyway. I acted as if I knew what I was doing, even though I didn't. Every time I did something I didn't think I could do and got to the other side, I felt great. One small step toward the building of my self-esteem.

We are what we believe.

It's not easy to know what you really believe, so one thing you can do to better understand your beliefs is to listen to what you say. The words that come out of your mouth often reflect what you really believe, as do the thoughts you keep in your mind.

Fear as An Obstacle

Underlying our beliefs is fear — fear that we won't get something we want or that something we have will be taken away from us. Sometimes fear is a motivator, compelling us to take affirmative action. For example, after escaping the South Bronx at eighteen, I knew I never wanted to live there or be poor again. Fear was my motivator. On the other hand, fear is sometimes an obstacle, making it difficult or impossible for us to take action. For example, suppose you loathe your job, but you're afraid to quit and look for another one. It's your fear that keeps you stuck in a job you hate. Fear is a real, human emotion. While it's okay to feel afraid, it's not okay to give in to fear, making it your master. It's not okay to give it permission to stand between you and your dreams. The key to managing fear is to acknowledge it and walk through it.

I'm quick to share how afraid I am, because people need to know that you can be afraid and still walk through your fear. Often they are surprised to find out I'm afraid, because for them, if you're afraid, you're paralyzed. Fearful people, in their minds, are unable to take action. Fear is a real and valid emotion; it's what you do with it that can cause trouble. In a recent interview with twenty-five men, each admitted that it was easier to admit they were angry than to admit they were afraid. "You just never let people think you're scared," said Jimmy D. The more that seemingly strong people have the courage to share their fears, the easier it is for others to do the same.

Fear is a clever foe. Of all the obstacles that stand in our way, fear is the most powerful, because it can so easily be denied. It comes disguised in many ways, as anger, resentment, jealousy, envy, hurt feelings, and self-pity, to name a few. But whatever the label, fear is still fear, and it has the power to capture your soul, disintegrate your spirit, and eat away at your self-esteem until you are incapable of separating the real from the unreal. You're left blaming someone else for your choices. You give up. So think about it: What are you afraid of? How has fear stopped you from living your dreams? In your Esteemable Acts Journal write out your answers. Then identify how you have faced your fear and achieved your goals. What specific actions have you taken?

People as Obstacles

Sometimes it's not just your fear that gets in the way; other people's fear can set you back, too. No doubt you've encountered people who always have a negative word to say about a project you're starting or a great idea you have. They quickly focus on the reasons you won't succeed. It could be your parent, a teacher, your spouse, or a friend. Regardless of who they are, in most cases it's someone you trust enough to share the idea with in the first place. Meet your dream busters. They bust open your dreams and stifle your spirit — when you let them.

When I decided to become a lawyer, I expected the people who initially encouraged me to go back to school to be happy I was living my dream. Every day John, Mary, Susan, and Betty would say, "Francine, you can do it." So it was especially hard to understand why they weren't supportive when I started doing what they told me I could do. After my pain subsided, I realized they couldn't be there for me, because they couldn't be there for themselves. In most cases, they weren't living their own dreams. They were stuck. It wasn't personal. They just couldn't celebrate my success because I reminded them of what they could be doing but weren't. "Why don't you try something easier? What happens if you fail?" they asked. Or, "Won't you be too old to practice law?" Then there were those who were less subtle, who said, "You're an ex-hooker with a criminal record, you'll never get through school, so why even try?"

It wasn't only my so-called friends who tried to discourage me. Some of my professors were dream busters, too. One day I excitedly told my professor at UNLV (University of Nevada, Las Vegas) I was going to become a lawyer. Knowing my past, he simply laughed and said, "What an imagination you have." He was one of the people who, without even knowing it, motivated me into trying harder than I thought I could. I stretched far beyond my comfort zone often to prove him and other dream busters wrong.

Copyright © 2003 by Francine Ward. Excerpted by permission of Broadway, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

A former practicing attorney, Francine Ward is President and CEO of nCompliance, inc., a training and consulting firm specializing in copyrights, trademarks, and employment law issues. She also serves on the board of several nonprofit groups and lectures extensively about self-esteem, delivering more than 200 presentations just in the past two years. She lives in Mill Valley, California.