Action 1: If You Can Dream It, You Can Have It

Esteemable Acts
by Francine Ward, JD

A powerhouse motivator shares her strategies for building lifelong self-esteem and tapping the boundless energy and talent within everyone.

Francine Ward is living proof that actions speak louder than words, and leads a life that far exceeds the wildest dream of her youth. By age eighteen, she had dropped out of high school and was battling drug and alcohol addictions. A few years latter, Ward was struck by a car; she was told she would never walk again. Flash-forward two decades and meet a very different Francine Ward: Georgetown law-school graduate, marathon runner, successful businesswoman, tireless community leader. The secret to her turn around? Esteemable acts.

Built on the concepts that led to her own remarkable recovery, Esteemable Acts presents ten specific ways to put self-confidence on the fast track. While other self help books encourage contemplation or verbal affirmations, Esteemable Acts gets readers off the couch and into the vibrant world by teaching them how to walk through fear. From servicing others to career-related activities, each component of Ward's program pushes the boundaries of comfort zones, proves naysayers wrong, and examines every aspect of life to find hidden opportunities for greater self-love. From and author who is a walking, talking testimonial, this is a groundbreaking new path to courage.

Chapter 1

It's an esteemable act to have the courage to dream.

Until I had the courage to dream of a better life, I wasn't able to have one. And as far back as I can remember, I was afraid to dream. I saw what happened to people like me who thought they had a right to dream, who thought they were special. They ended up hurt, disappointed, and disliked, and I didn't want to go there. You see, I was a poor black kid from Atlanta, Georgia, and later New York's South Bronx, and, as I saw it, for people like me, there was no such thing as hope, dreams, or endless possibilities. And to think otherwise was a set-up for failure and despair. I got the message early in my life that dreams were for people who were rich, people who were smart — people who were white. The message that I'd never amount to anything and that I'd never leave the ghetto was presented to me at home, at church, in school, at the movies, in the newspaper, and on television. The message was subtle, yet at other times, not so subtle — disadvantaged black girls like me couldn't become anything other than drug addicts, alcoholics, or prostitutes.

Many self-esteem experts believe that as children we go through a phase in which we stumble and fall as we try to find our way. We experience adolescence and the teen years often hating ourselves and feeling disconnected from life and limited by what we feel is a lack of choice; a time in our lives when we feel stuck and unable to change our circumstances. Then, according to those experts, when we get to our late teens, we grow out of it and begin to think in terms of possibilities, infinite possibilities. We feel empowered and hopeful. We start to realize, as young people, that life is full of opportunities.

The point those experts miss is that the kids who get to that next level are often encouraged to do so. Frequently they have mentors who motivate and inspire them to live their dreams. Their passion is encouraged and their imagination is fired up. And when they come across an obstacle that frightens them, they're taught to walk through their fear and go for what they want. Sadly, this was not my experience. The people in my neighborhood reminded me that the life I was leading was as good as it gets and not to expect much more. And for a long time I didn't. So I, like many others, became a casualty of limited thinking. I was paralyzed by fear. My fear became as much a part of me as my skin color and my DNA — it was the essence of who I was, and I didn't even know it. After years and years of fear taking hold of me, it would take years of hard work for me to find release from its demoralizing grip.

Dreams are what life is made of. They give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning and a reason to go to bed early at night, so you can wake up and start all over again. Living your dreams is the first, but not the final, step in building real and lasting self-esteem. When you follow your heart, when you live with intention and passion, everyone benefits, because you're happier and you feel more vital. And when you do what you love, not only do you feel good about yourself, it's easier to feel good about others. On the other hand, when you allow external or internal forces to prevent you from doing or having what you want, everyone suffers, because when you're unhappy you make everyone around you unhappy.

But like anything worth having, dreaming takes work, which often requires that you walk through something you're afraid of. Unlocking the courage to dream is the essence of Action #1. This Action invites you to see past your fears and your limitations to a new and more appealing picture of your life. It also encourages you to step out of your comfort zone and go for what you really want. Self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts — things that make you feel good about yourself. It's an esteemable act to live your dreams.

Bring to mind one of your childhood dreams. Maybe you wanted to be a teacher or a doctor, or to own your own business. Maybe you wanted to be a scientist. Maybe you wanted to be president of the United States. Are you living your dream? If not, what got in your way? What excuses did you buy into? Write out your answers in your Esteemable Acts Journal.

Walking Through the Fear

In 1981, at the age of twenty-eight, tired of feeling stupid and determined to prove that I wasn't, I went back to school. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made because it brought up all my insecurities. Fears I never knew I had surfaced, such as fear the of being too old, the fear of failure, the fear of not being smart enough, the fear of not being able to grasp the concepts, the fear of not fitting in, the fear of going back to school, the fear of the coursework being too hard — the list continued. But one day at a time, after talking to advisers, researching the necessary steps, and auditing classes, I decided to face my fears and embark on a journey, one that proved to be an entry into a life far beyond my wildest imaginings.

What do you dream about when you're by yourself and left just with your own thoughts? What do you wish you could do "if life were different"? What would you be doing if you could snap your fingers and make it all happen? What experiences would you participate in if the canvas called your life was blank? You can make your dreams come true and this book will help you. In the beginning, what's being asked of you might seem hard. It might appear that more is being asked of you than is reasonable or fair. The journey to positive self-esteem is your experience; you may do as you please. All I ask is that you do the best you can. You'll be invited to stretch beyond your comfort zone, then stretch just a little bit more, because often change doesn't happen without a push.

So let's get started. In your Esteemable Acts Journal, write out your answers to the questions at the beginning of the previous paragraph. Don't rush through them. Give yourself plenty of time to really think them through. This is the first step in building real and lasting self-esteem.

Copyright © 2003 by Francine Ward. Excerpted by permission of Broadway, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

A former practicing attorney, Francine Ward is President and CEO of nCompliance, inc., a training and consulting firm specializing in copyrights, trademarks, and employment law issues. She also serves on the board of several nonprofit groups and lectures extensively about self-esteem, delivering more than 200 presentations just in the past two years. She lives in Mill Valley, California.