Denial

The End Is Just the Beginning
by Arlene Churn, Ph.D.

(Page 3 of 3)

In our community, both regret and denial are often expressed through elaborate funerals and floral displays, expensive caskets, numerous limos, even color-coordinated outfits for the immediate family. Such extravagances are intended as statements of love and esteem for the deceased, as if he or she were aware of the display (or the extent of the family's grief).

In recent years, African American culture has accepted a redefinition of death as no longer permanent and final, but rather a temporary absence or transformation of the deceased into a spiritual being who has ongoing knowledge of earthly affairs. Our people have a long history of wanting to communicate with the dead. Often it is out of simple curiosity, or because they need to know where the deceased is in the afterworld. Still others seek confirmation that their loved one is happy on the "other side," enjoying the fellowship of others who passed before him. And finally, there are those who desperately seek direction for their own lives through communication with the dead.

This is a delicate stage of grieving, when the griever must use caution in order to avoid being taken advantage of by those who prey upon and profit from other people's frantic grief. In the film Ghost, Whoopi Goldberg portrayed a woman who had the ability to communicate with the dead, and in real life many people invest thousands of dollars in this kind of pursuit.

One of my favorite stories brings into sharp if humorous focus the absurdity of this kind of denial. A woman whose neighbor had died arrived at the funeral with a crock of chicken soup. Some of her fellow mourners thought she was demented, while others just thought her behavior was downright embarrassing. But, when reminded that she was, in fact, at a funeral, the woman replied, "If she can see and smell those flowers, she can eat this soup."

Amusing as this story may be, it accurately reflects the fact that many African Americans do enter a state of denial, partly as a way to assuage their regret and partly just to deny the inevitable reality of death. A much-quoted verse from a poem by Helen Steiner Rice validates this sentiment when it says "they are just away," implying that they may some day return. But describing death as an unexplained or temporary absence only serves to reinforce unhealthy denial of the truth.

FOR AFRICAN Americans, this tendency toward denial is often encouraged by the abundance of food, fun, and fellowship that has always provided an opportunity for escape and retreat from reality during the grieving period.

In contrast with other ethnic or religious groups — such as those of the Jewish faith, who traditionally bury their dead within twenty-four hours — African Americans often schedule their funerals for the convenience of relatives or loved ones who must travel long distances to attend, which means that there can be a lapse of anywhere from five to eight days between the death and the burial. In the interim, food and more food is carried to the family home as more and more people arrive. Old photographs might be brought out and passed around, generating laughter and wistful smiles. And you can bet that someone will have a "do you remember" or a "how about the time" story that will inevitably be subject to correction by others who recall the incident differently.

Copyright © 2003 by Arlene Churn. Excerpted by permission of Harlem Moon, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

An ordained Baptist minister and certified Grief Counsel Specialist, Reverend Arlene Churn, ph.D., has served as Plenary Chair of the White House Conference on Children and coordinator of the 3.5 million female members of the National Baptist Convention. Currently President of Unlimited Horizons, a consulting firm, she travels around the globe as an acclaimed motivational speaker. The Reverend Dr. Churn lives in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.