Finding Mr. Right, Part 2

Confessions of an Ex-Bachelor
by William July II

(Page 2 of 2)

Provoking Fear

Provoking fear is the most sinister of the techniques, but some players use it. In this method, a man identifies a strong need a woman has and fills that need. For some women, it may be the need for companionship to fight loneliness, the need for the attention, the need for emotional security, or even the need for financial support. After becoming the woman's source for this need, the man then gains control over her simply by the implicit threat of removing his support. For more on this issue, refer to Chapter 6, "How to Read a Bachelor."

King Solomon Syndrome

Bachelor players are pros at manipulating women. As a result, they usually have a harem. This is what is often referred to as a little black book. But I don't think that term does it full justice. It's more like a harem of beautiful women dancing for the king, each vying for his attention and hoping to be his wife.

The harem illustrates a major principle that bachelor players operate by: the idea that there is always a woman available. If one woman isn't available, another one will be. That's how they can bounce from woman to woman like a honey bee pollinating flowers.

One of the rules given in the book The Rules tells women not to accept last-minute dates. While I don't really endorse that book, because it teaches women to try to deceive men into marriage, I do understand the principle behind that rule. The idea is that a man who can just call up a woman and get a date with her anytime won't appreciate and respect her as much as a woman he has to plan for. I must agree with that in principle. However, I think women shouldn't make a hard-and-fast rule about not being available for last-minute dates. Life today isn't so simple that one can't be open to spur-of-the-moment dates.

Harems are an egocentric idea. They provide the bachelor player with a variety of different women to interact with, depending on his mood and tastes at the time. Some of the types of women commonly found in a bachelor's harem are described in the next sections.

The Hotty

The hotty's job in the harem is to be an ego booster. The bachelor takes the hotty out to be seen with her when he wants people to admire him for whom he has on his arm. Her appearance makes him feel strong and powerful, for surely, he feels, if she's with me, I must be "the man." She has the look and she knows it. Because of her looks, she's been spoiled by many men, and she doesn't mind letting a man know that he'd better pull out his credit card and rolls of cash on dates with her.

The Nice Girl

The nice girl is the one he takes home to mom. He calls up the nice girl when he wants to go to church or have a wholesome picnic in the park. Her role is to be sweet, uncomplicated, and easy to please. She's also a retreat when he wants to get away from the hotty and her game-playing. Or when he desires a contrast from the carnal role of the bedroom buddy.

The Bedroom Buddy

This woman is always available for sex, no questions asked. She's the woman at the other end of those late-night phone calls. She knows the guy she's dealing with is a player and doesn't care because she's playing the same game too. Like him, she just wants easy, no-hassles sex.

The Gal Pal

She's a good friend. He confides in her. More than the other women, she hears his most intimate thoughts. She in essence provides the intimacy he desires, but doesn't place the demands on him that he would have in a relationship. His relationship with the gal pal allows him to have a safe, intimate connection with a woman while pursuing exclusively sexual relationships with the others. This allows him to have the security of always having a female ally who will be there after his flavor-of-the-month flings are over.

For more about the gal pal, refer to Chapter 5, "What Does It Take for a Bachelor to Become a Groom?"

The Out-of-Towner

This is a mainstay of the more accomplished bachelor players. The out-of-town girlfriend, using the term "girlfriend" very loosely, is the one he can fly in to see for a hot weekend. Or when she's in town, he can have some fun with her and then she's back out again. Women, beware; while you're in town, he may act as if he's in love. That's easy to do. Don't confuse a weekend of wine and roses with what this man may be like in day-to-day reality. A relationship takes more reality testing than that.

The Youngster

I'm not talking about underage. I mean a youngster in terms of being younger and more naive than the man. Lots of men enjoy the ego stroking that comes from the feeling of being the older, more experienced man in the eyes of an admiring younger woman. It makes them feel important. What's more it makes them feel as if they haven't lost their touch. This scenario doesn't require a sixty-year-old man and a twenty-five-year-old woman. It could also be a thirty-five-year-old man and a twenty-seven-year-old woman. Or even a twenty-seven-year-old man and a twenty-one-year-old woman. The relationship still might have the same dynamics.

The Older Woman

No bachelor's harem is complete without a so-called older woman. It's every young man's fantasy to have an older, more experienced lover, and today this isn't a problem. Women these days don't have to be ashamed of having younger men in their lives. Some actively pursue men many years their junior. Some of these women want a romantic tryst and others are looking for love. This makes it easy for the bachelor player to fill this position in his harem.

The Single Mom

Single moms are favorite targets of seasoned bachelor players. I know that comes as a surprise to many women. But it won't after I explain why. The single mother is busy — so busy that she doesn't have a lot of spare social time. Therefore, if she's dating, she is likely to want to squeeze as much into her free social time as possible. Enter King Solomon. He will use her limited time as a way to get sex without too much face time involved. He also knows that because she's busy, she can't place as many time demands on him as a single woman without kids.

Playing House

Some guys go a step further. Perhaps having a harem isn't enough. So they move in with a woman who has the qualities they would want in a wife, but they just don't marry her — instead, they play house. They live with her. They may even be committed. But they won't make the big m commitment. I find it an interesting phenomena in our society that people feel so comfortable mimicking marriage but not doing it when, in all practical realities, a couple playing house for any length of time is really acting basically as a married couple. In fact, in some states, such as Texas, where I live, so-called common law marriage is recognized as a marriage under some fairly easy-to-meet conditions. In other words, common sense tells us that a common law marriage is a marriage. Yet the fact that they haven't been required to actually make an official commitment allows many men in this situation to feel that they are free to break away when they desire. Once again, they avoid the responsibility and accountability that is natural and requisite to a relationship.

Copyright © 2003 by William July. Excerpted by permission of Broadway, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

William July, II is a writer based in Houston, Texas. In l996 he published Brothers, Lust, and Love, which became an underground bestseller. A writer-in-residence for Houston's Writers in the Schools program, July is also a former reserve deputy sheriff.