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Brothers Lust and Love William July, II is an author to watch. In June 1996, his self-published Brothers, Lust, and Love: Thoughts on Manhood, Sex, and Romance climbed onto two bestseller lists. Now, in this revised, expanded edition of this underground sensation, July shrewdly examines exactly what's going on between African American men and women. He explains:
Why women expect too much from men, and why men want too little | ||||||||
An engaging and informative book, Brothers, Lust, and Love reveals what every woman wants to know about her man, and what every man needs to know about himself. Some women, without even knowing it, are driving the men who love them right out of their lives. For the most part, women aren't getting information about men straight from the source. They're asking other women, listening to so-called relationship experts, and believing statistics. While those sources may be helpful and provide some information, nothing is as accurate as asking men what they think and feel. This list of ten things women do that drive men away was compiled from informal interviews with real everyday men. None of these men are "experts" from academia. None of them are sociologists, psychologists, or relationship experts. They're just regular guys: a computer technician, a personal fitness trainer, a mail courier, a college student, an entrepreneur, a corporate executive, a sanitation worker, a police officer, a mechanic, and an attorney. When I got the guys together, the first question I asked was "What are some of the things women do that drive men away?" I asked them to be blunt and candid in their responses, but I made it clear that I wasn't looking for a list of mean-spirited complaints. Instead, I wanted to compile a list of ten things that men wished women knew. A list that would bridge the gap between men and women. I told them the purpose of this list was to improve communication, avoid misunderstanding, and expose any "taboo" issues that need to be brought into the open. In that spirit, we began our discussion. As I sat and talked with the guys, most of their answers kept coming back to the ten areas explained below. 1. Acting Sweet to Get a Man, Then Changing
She used to go to bed in a naughty nightie and didn't care about sweating the curls out of her head. Now she goes to bed with a head full of rollers and a face covered with Noxzema. When they were dating, she batted her eyes, spoke softly, and always looked sexy. But now that she's got him, that all changed. The gently batting eyes and shy smiles have been replaced with frowns, pursed lips, and shrill tones. No more sexy clothes. Now she dresses like she doesn't care what she looks like, every day is a bad hair day, and she's fast losing the curves in her body and developing a pleasantly plump figure. Of course, men can't expect women to be superwomen who are able to work, cook, clean, and make love with flawless precision. But a woman shouldn't start out playing the superwoman role at the beginning and then change. It's better to present herself as she is and get it all out in the open. When a woman changes her entire act after the relationship gets going, men feel as though they've been duped. Suddenly, he doesn't know what to believe anymore and feels he can't really trust the woman he thought he knew. 2. Not Giving Enough Space
The "S" word must be used carefully. Some men intentionally abuse the term "I need my space" to ensure that they can have their cake and eat it too — fool around while not giving up what they already have. But not all men are that way. Most men simply just want some room to be by themselves. Men, just like women, need to feel that they aren't trapped or being held hostage in their lives. From time to time, men want to get away and be alone or hang out with their friends. But it's a strain on the relationship when women think that a man is being selfish, silly, or making up an excuse to go out and cheat just because he wants some space. The smart woman knows that a man needs his space and doesn't hold it against him. She's confident enough to know that each person needs his/her own space to maintain a healthy relationship. On the other hand, jealous and possessive women are well known for their deliberate attempts to prevent a man from having any sort of privacy. Those are the women who think letting a man out of their sight is a mistake. They keep choke holds on their men and eventually drive them away. But if a woman can't give the man a little space, either the relationship isn't solid or she has some personal problems she needs to deal with. If it's because she can't trust him out of her sight, she doesn't need that man anyway. 3. Wanting Too Many Things
Some black men say black women are unrealistic in their expectations and want too much. Of course, wanting a good hardworking man who respects women isn't asking too much. But what about when it goes far beyond that? For some women, having a good man just isn't enough. They also want a Lexus, a two-story home in the suburbs, and a string of credit cards. When they don't have these things, they moan and complain as though life is terrible. If the man dares to say something about how he's happy with things as they are, he'll be accused of being complacent, lazy, and lacking ambition. It's fine to have goals and want some luxuries. But counting the blessings you already have never hurts either. 4. Not Saying What She Means
Men aren't very good mind readers. In fact, we often have difficulty just figuring out what women mean with the words they speak. I think women are far more sophisticated communicators than men; they seem to be more adept at the subtleties of gestures, facial expressions, and body language. Therefore, men and women almost always suffer from communication breakdowns in relationships. Unfortunately, some women do not express themselves honestly and openly. It seems that they are more apt to use voice inflections and body language to communicate what they mean, even when the actual words they are saying convey the opposite. Take this situation, for example: "No, I don't mind if you go out with your friends instead of taking me to a movie tonight," a woman says, tapping her foot and looking away with her arms folded. Although her mouth is saying quite literally, "No, I don't mind," her body is saying she does mind. Women expect the men in their lives to read their nonverbal cues. Some men fail to read the nonverbal cues of the women in their lives. When this happens, an argument is almost always the result, because the woman feels that she communicated her feelings to the man and he ignored her. For example, I'll use the scenario from the previous paragraph. When that man comes home from his night out with the guys, his wife is going to be angry at him. She'll probably snap at him when she talks, slam doors, or even yell at him. "What's the problem?" he'll ask. "You know what the problem is!" But he really may not know what the problem is, because she never came out and said what she meant in words. She expected him to read the nonverbal cues and he totally missed them. As a result, the woman believes that the man is just being callous and self-centered. Likewise, the man is upset too; he thinks she's nagging him for no reason. Both of them will go to bed angry.
Copyright © 1998 by William JulyII. Excerpted by permission of Main Street Books, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. About the Author William July, II is a writer based in Houston, Texas. In l996 he published Brothers, Lust, and Love, which became an underground bestseller. A writer-in-residence for Houston's Writers in the Schools program, July is also a former reserve deputy sheriff. More by William July II |
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