From Predicting Divorce to Preventing It, Part 2

Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage
by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., Joan DeClaire

(Page 2 of 2)

Our commentary also indicates the places where these couples make great strides — i.e., where they say or do something that strengthens the relationship by making them feel closer, encouraging compromise, or healing old wounds. Examples of such positive behaviors include

• Softened start-up. This is the ability to start talking about a complaint or a problem gently, without criticizing or insulting your partner. When one spouse does this, the other is more willing to listen, making compromise possible.

• Turning toward your partner. Close relationships consist of a series of "emotional bids" — that is, your partner reaches out for emotional connection with a comment, a question, a smile, or a hug. You can choose to

1. turn away, ignoring the bid

2. turn against, reacting with anger or hostility

3. turn toward, showing you're open, listening, and engaged

Our research shows that habitually turning away or turning against your partner's bids harms your marriage. But consistently turning toward your partner strengthens emotional bonds, friendship, and romance.

• Repairing the conversation. This is an effort to de- escalate negative feelings during a difficult encounter. A repair can be an apology, a smile, or bit of humor that breaks the tension and helps you both feel more relaxed.

• Accepting influence. Partners who are open to persuasion from each other generally have stronger, happier marriages. Being stubborn or domineering has just the opposite effect. Our studies show that a husband's willingness to accept influence from his wife can be particularly helpful to forming a strong, happy marriage.

Such concepts may seem familiar to people who have read John's previous books or attended our workshops. The difference with this book is that it invites you right into the Love Lab. Reading it, you spend time with ten couples who agreed to let us share their stories so that the work we did together might also help others. (For privacy, we've used fictional names and changed some identifying characteristics, but the situations and the conversations you'll read are real.)

Unlike books that simply tell you how to change your marriage, this book actually shows you how that transformation happens — how real couples talking about truly difficult problems can change the dynamics of their conversations; how they can stop having the same painful, destructive interactions over and over again and move on to a more peaceful coexistence. You see how they take the tools we suggest and use them to build back that sense of affection and romance that attracted them to each other in the first place.

In addition, each chapter provides quizzes you can take to see if you and your partner face the same problems these couples are overcoming. And we offer exercises you can do to make the same kind of progress these couples do.

As you read about these couples' progress, you may notice that many of the changes they make are small, simple adjustments — not big, complicated ones. A husband may, for example, learn to ask his wife more questions about how she's feeling. Or a wife may learn to express more appreciation for all the work her husband's been doing. We might advise a couple to stop and take a break to calm down when they're in the middle of a heated discussion. Or we might give them strategies for going to a deeper level in their conversations, sharing their hopes and dreams.

While the changes we suggest may not always seem like a big deal, our research shows that small, positive behaviors, frequently repeated, can make a big difference in the long-term success of a marriage. You could compare this work to piloting a plane cross-country. A turn of a few degrees over Ohio may seem like a small adjustment — merely fine-tuning. But in the long run it determines whether you end up in San Francisco or Los Angeles. So it is with a long-term relationship. When both partners commit to making small but consistently positive shifts in their interactions, they can take their marriage to a much happier place.

Whether you're currently in a distressed relationship or you simply want to make a strong, happy relationship even better, we believe this book can help. It will show you what it's like to work with an effective therapist to improve your marriage. And it will also give you insights and tools you can use to make progress with or without counseling.

We hope that as you read this book, you find it comforting that you're not alone in your desire to make marriage better; that the challenges you and your partner may face are not insurmountable. And don't be surprised if you recognize yourselves in the situations and dialogues that follow. Our work has shown us that every couple is unique, but we also see many, many similarities. And that's a great sign that we can all learn from one another.

Best wishes, John and Julie Gottman

Copyright © 2006 by John Gottman, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Crown, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

John M. Gottman, Ph.D., is the cofounder and co-director of the Gottman Institute, along with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. He is also the James W. Mifflin Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle and the recipient of numerous national and international awards for his groundbreaking relationship research. His work has been featured on many national television shows, including The Oprah Winfrey Show, 20/20, Dateline, and Good Morning America.

Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman is cofounder and Clinical Director of the Gottman Institute and co-teaches the Institute's Advanced Training Seminar in Couples Therapy™ and The Art and Science of Love Couples Weekend Workshop™ with Dr. John Gottman. Julie co-founded the Gottman Institute and established its affiliated Relationship Clinic for which she still serves as its leader. As Clinical Director, she has designed and provided marriage workshops, gay and lesbian relationship workshops, basic and advanced clinicians' trainings, community talks, consultation services, educational products, and a clinic for private couple therapy. Julie is also the designer and clinical director for Loving Couples Loving Children, a curriculum for couples suffering from the effects of poverty.

Joan DeClaire is a writer specializing in psychology, health, and family issues.