What Are Your Expectations?

Comeback Moms
by Monica Samuels, J. C. Conklin

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In addition to analyzing why you're really quitting, think carefully about what your expectations are when you do quit. Make sure that you aren't expecting too much from the experience, because if you do and you're disappointed, your family will suffer.

An analogy can be drawn to psychologists who interview patients undergoing organ transplants or gastric bypass surgery before clearing them for these procedures. The psychologist will ask a morbidly obese woman, for example, what she expects from a gastric bypass operation. If she says she expects it to completely change her life for the better, she isn't cleared for the operation, because while the surgery can improve her life, it isn't a panacea for all her problems. Instead, she's sent for counseling until the psychologist feels her expectations square with reality.

While your decision to stay home certainly doesn't fall in the same category as major surgery, the psychology is the same. If your expectations for the experience don't fit the reality of what's about to happen, you and your children will pay the price. For you, this may mean dealing with a period of disappointment and perhaps even depression later. For your children, it may result in them becoming anxious and acting out.

Carolyn is a woman who thrives on external motivators. She craves accolades from others, winning awards at work, and getting promotions. Before deciding to stay home with the kids, she had to take a long hard look at the reality of the situation.

"It dawned on me one day that I wouldn't have the same things that motivated me at work keeping me going at home," she said. "Clearly, my son wasn't ever going to heap praise on me for the exciting way I read him a bedtime story, and my daughter wasn't likely to present me with an award for driving her around town all week."

In the end, Carolyn decided to stay home, but she is careful to do it in a way that still meets her own needs for fulfillment. While her kids are in school, Carolyn participates in civic groups and community projects where she can still get a pat on the back every once in awhile and perhaps even win an award. By taking this approach, she is dealing with the reality of staying at home in a way that best fits her personality and is realistic as to her needs. Had she not taken this good hard look at herself in advance, she likely would have simply quit and been extremely disappointed with her life. Now Carolyn can plan her return to work at her own pace rather than desperately running back to work after a bad experience at home.

Cutting The Cord

Okay, so you've really thought about it and you definitely want to quit. The most important thing to know now is when is the best time to cut the cord.

When You're Pregnant for the First Time

Never act rashly during pregnancy because you don't know if it's the hormones talking or you. Spur of the moment is out. Slow down. Think it over for a week. At the end of the week, think it over for another week. If you still want to quit, don't. At least not right away. You have to devise a game plan.

Why would we say something so awful when you're absolutely sure leaving your job in two weeks is the absolute best thing for you and the baby? Because it's the hormones talking, unless you're in the absolute job from hell and you report directly to Satan or one of his agents on earth. But, if that's the case, why didn't you quit before? Yep, it's probably the hormones.

We say try to make it to the eighth month of pregnancy at least.

We say that for several reasons:

• You'll be bored out of your mind.

• You'll probably feel better with or need the extra money.

• You won't have any other mothers around you all day to talk to about the weird little stuff like your sense of smell going all wonky.

• It'll give you time to shore up things like the current information of important contacts for when you want to go back to work.

• You'll still have health, life, and disability insurance policies.

All those work hours can be useful for something other than work. Plus, you don't eat as much in the office as you do at home, so it's a built-in weight management program to boot.

Once you're resigned to showing up at work through swollen ankles and an itchy stomach, you have to figure out what you want to do after your pregnancy.

When You Already Have Children

It's a little easier to decide to quit after you've already had children. You know what it's like to balance work and family. You cried the first time you left your baby to show up at the morning meeting. You've done it.

When's the best time to leave? Never leave during the busy season. Give a month's notice. Do all the bending over backward necessary to make a good impression.

You have another advantage over pregnant women. You've proven you can work after you gave birth. People will know that when you want to go back to your job you'll be able to handle your family and career. That helps with the transition back to the working world.

When You Said, "I'll Be Back"

The stickiest situation of all is when you take maternity leave and you're absolutely or pretty darn sure you'll be back, but then you don't want to come back, or after a week back on the job you realize working isn't for you right now.

What do you do?

It depends.

If you're already back at work, tell your boss right away you don't think you'll be staying too long. Also tell her you'll stick it out for a couple months. Wait until the busy season is over. The holidays have passed. You've caught up on all the work that piled up while you were away and paid back a couple favors to colleagues who took on your load. Once a respectable period has elapsed — it could be a few weeks or a couple months — then tell your boss your time is up. Tell her you'll help find and train your replacement. Offer to work part time on projects if she needs help. Assure her that no matter how long it takes to find someone you'll stick it out. Do all this with a smile.

Leaving before you've paid your dues isn't pleasant. Take it from Dana.

Dana was absolutely positive that she'd bound back to work after giving birth. She was a financial analyst for a top investment firm and she loved what she did. She worked in a group of five people analyzing the retail sector. Each person in the group had a specialized area of expertise so there wasn't any overlap of duties. When Dana came back from eight weeks of maternity leave, the work was piled up because no one else in her team could do her job. As a result, many projects the team was responsible for were delayed until Dana caught up.

Dana had about sixty hours of overtime ahead of her in the next three weeks. On top of that she had fallen in love with her baby. She didn't want to go back to work, but she didn't want to disappoint her colleagues either. Her first week back she trudged into the office and hoped her conflicted feelings would evaporate. They didn't. To make matters worse, her colleagues, even the women on her team, were angry with her for being such a "girl." She needed to tough it out, they said.

Copyright © 2006 by Monica Samuels. Excerpted by permission of Morgan Road Books, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Monica Samuels is a trained environmental and immigration attorney. Although she was given the opportunity to join the Bush administration, Monica elected to stay in Austin and raise her two sons. In 2002, President Bush appointed her to the Board of Directors of the Mickey Leland National Urban Air Toxics Research Center, which she serves on today.

J. C. Conklin is an award-winning writer and journalist whose work has appeared in the Wall Street Journal and The Dallas Morning News.