Wrok, Part 2

White Trash Etiquette
by Dr. Verne Edstrom, Esq.

(Page 2 of 2)

7. Bar Hag

The upside: Sit at the bar, sweet-talk toothless guys who couldn't buy a decent woman with a profit sharing check, and be ugly.

The downside: Shifts last from 6:00 a.m. to 2:00 a.m. You gotta survive on cocktail wieners from happy hour.

The pay: Free drinks. Some nights you get to sleep in the cab of a new Dodge Ram.

8. Congressman

The upside: Basically the same job as a bar hag: sit around, blab, and mooch stuff. Mostly you just eat free steak dinners from lobbyists, go on fact-finding missions to country clubs in Hawaii, and vote to let chemical companies build hazardous waste dumps at preschools.

The downside: They cut out your heart as a job requirement. People will keep a close eye on you so you can't steal the silverware when you come over for dinner.

The pay: Six figures plus bribes, junkets, free dinners, sex with interns, and an office full of Ivy League ass-kissers who can haul shingles in case you get a roofing job.

9. Punk Rock Hairdresser

The upside: Change your name to Francois, get a caulking gun, blast their hair with some tub and tile sealer, mess it all up, and charge 'em $100 a pop. They're punkers. They'll think it's cutting edge.

The downside: You gotta tell people you're a hairdresser. If you get the urge to color coordinate your belt and your shoes, call 911.

The pay: One hundred bucks for three minutes of work. Try making that selling plasma.

10. Workers' Comp

The upside: It's kind of like being a trophy wife, only without the credit cards or exercise equipment. Just fake a back injury, sit around reading TV Digest, watch fishing shows, and have your kids fetch you Rolling Rock and Count Chocula.

The downside: You gotta go to the doctor. Sometimes they schedule appointments in the middle of that Bruins-Islanders replay you was meaning to watch.

The pay: Four hundred dollars a month, plus quality time with the kids in front of the TV.

How to Show Class and Not Get Shot While You're Robbing the 7-Eleven

Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Right about now you're saying to yourself, "Hey, Verne, if robbing convenience stores was good enough for my ma, why can't I carry on the family business?"

Now ol' Verne ain't against following in the footsteps of our ancestors. Hell, if it wasn't for them giving us a proper raising, we'd probably growed up to be like them candy-asses on The Surreal Life or CNN.

But us trash got a problem: Since our folks mostly run off with the neighbor lady or joined the enriching ranks of the professional bar hag industry, there ain't no one around to sermonize on the sacred teachings these days. Which means a lotta your younger trash ain't clued in on the finer points of thieving.

People is always getting shot. They're trying to rob the BP but ending up at the Mailbox Express by mistake. And half of 'em can't even remember to grab them baby formulas and Newports the old lady was wanting.

Now these ain't the kinda job skills a guy could learn at the orphanage. It don't take no ironworkers apprentice program degree to tell you them nuns ain't exactly earned their journeyman's when it comes to sticking up a Tank 'n' Tummy.

Which is why I got to calculating this scientific checklist. If we're gonna carry on the sacred traditions, we at least gotta get some of them professionalisms, show a little class. You don't wanna put in a hard day's robbing, and all you got to show for it is a pack of Teriyaki jerky and three bullets in your face, am I right?

Picking a Good Place to Rob

The first question when it comes to choosing your mark is, "Is it open?" Robbing, in case you ain't noticed, ain't particularly easy when the store is closed.

This here happened to my sister Jenny. Her fifth husband got killed when he broke into the zoo and tried to rob the lion cage. Since them lions looked like they was eating good, he figured they musta had a meat supply worth stealing.

Which meant that Jenny had to take over the family business. So she figured she'd do a 4:00 a.m. job at the 7-Eleven, on account of all they had on Bravo was them goddamned celebrity poker shows.

Now a lot of guys is partial to early morning robbing. You can go straight to work after closing time, and that's when the fresh donuts gets delivered.

Problem is, Jenny lives in Buffalo, which is up near Canadia, which is colder than a lawyer's heart. And this particular 7-Eleven was only open from 6:00 a.m. to midnight. Which meant that Jenny had to stand around for two hours waiting for the robbery to get started.

She ended up with a pretty good score. Got herself thirty-eight bucks and a baker's dozen of glazed. Me, I woulda gone with the chocolate cream, but this here's what you call your minor professional differences.

Anyways, them two hours of waiting done froze her feet. She got arthritis. The doc says she can't do no more winter robbing.

Now if you was living in Houston, this ain't a problem. But in Buffalo it's always winter except on August 13. Which meant that Jenny had to get a part-time job shoplifting from the Junior Miss section at the Gap. I don't gotta tell you them pawnshops ain't exactly paying top dollar for pleated skorts in mango orange. The family business was ruined.

Choosing the Right Gun

Most of your professional robbers prefer the handgun. Them babies is light and small, which means you can hide 'em under your Phillies hat if you get drunk and forget to wear any pants. Besides, nothing says "I'm here to rob you" better than your handcrafted piece of American steel.

Now other guys is partial to the sawed-off. It comes in two colors, metallic blue and silver, which fashion guys'll tell you is good for accessorizing with your Raiders jersey in case you's doing a job in Oakland.

Still other guys got fondness for the good ol' buck knife. She's cheap, on account of she don't need no ammo. She's also easy carrying if your car got stoled and you gotta walk to the robbery. And if you happen to be strolling home down the freeway and you was to come across a dead possum, that's just bonus round. You can skin her on the spot and score yourself some dinner.

But if you're asking me, there's only one bad boy you wanna show up with at the Diamond Shamrock. I'm talking about the .44 caliber Brass Frame Buffalo Revolver.

Copyright © 2006 by Dr. Verne Edstrom, Esq.. Excerpted by permission of Broadway, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

After graduating in just eleven years from the White Trash Studies program at University of Wisconsin — Green Bay, Dr. Verne Edstrom, ESQ., set out to write a book Emily Post would be proud of — if she knew how to hang drywall and steer a bass boat with her feet.