The Great Divide, Part 2

How to Be a Hollywood Star: Your Guide to Living the Fabulous Life
by Stephen P. Williams

(Page 2 of 2)

What Is This Feng Shui Stuff?

This ancient Chinese philosophy is an unlikely source of glam design in LA, but it has influenced everything from the Getty Center art museum to Laurel Canyon meditation rooms. Feng shui (pronounced "fung shway") is based on a Taoist understanding of how the forces of nature work together to create harmonious environments inside the home. In Chinese, feng means wind and shui means water. Good feng shui leads to good fortune, and bad feng shui — you don't want to go there. You may hire a feng-shui master (see the Los Angeles yellow pages) to study the flow of energy through your new home and help redesign the interior or even make structural changes to improve your (already great!) fortune.

According to Eva Wong, a Hong Kong — born feng-shui expert, here's how to hire a feng-shui person:

Decide whether you want a traditional practitioner or a New Age feng-shui practitioner. The traditional experts follow centuries-old beliefs, whereas the New Age experts have only recently adapted the science to Western culture's need for harmonious placement of dog beds, treadmills, and Oscar statuettes.

Choose either a Chinese practitioner or someone who is very familiar with Chinese culture.

Choose someone who will explain the rationale behind every recommendation. If you are going to install a five-ton boulder near the front door, you'll want to know why.

Duties of Household Help

Good help isn't found, it's made. With the proper resources — money, manipulation, and power — you can turn even a mediocre domestic staff into a living, breathing reflection of your own grandeur. Begin by communicating to your employees the exact nature of their duties and responsibilities. Nothing is more frustrating, or more wasteful of your valuable time, than dealing with unmet expectations. Here are the duties of the major household staff positions you will need to fill.

Job Duties

Majordomo or butler: Make sure everything works; dress in black to impress guests; keep guests from poaching staff.

Lawn and garden person: Keep things green; mix in other colors as needed; report paparazzi in bushes.

Pool person: Have a trim and muscular physique; maintain hygiene of hot tub; never stare at poolside nudity;fulfill miscellaneous intimate functions depending on employer's unmet needs/desires.

Maid: Always look down while cleaning; pretend to be charmed when guests habla with mangled syntax.

Chef: Read latest diet books; lie about calorie/fat/carb content of meals served.

Property manager: Keep property immaculate; never notice unusual behaviors; take the Fifth when necessary.

Nanny: Feed, clothe, bathe, cuddle, and put to bed the children; cede bragging rights to parents.

Driver: Sit in car until needed; keep eyes on road, not on backseat; assume role of therapist during traffic jams.

Security: Look strong; look the other way; share protein powder as needed.

Dog whisperer: Fathom your companion canine's innermost needs, desires, and anxieties.

Dog therapist: Help your canine companion to achieve needs as revealed by dog whisperer.

Vetting Your Nanny

It's a given that your children's nannies (one per child) will be English, wear uniforms, and push extravagant, oversize prams. Still, it's wise to check the background of even the most aesthetically pleasing governess. The United Kingdom's Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) is the first place to turn for information. According to the director of the CRB, "the role of the Criminal Records Bureau is to reduce the risk of abuse by ensuring that those who are unsuitable are not able to work with children and vulnerable adults."

Helpful Household Phrases for Spanish-Speaking Employees

Buenos días.

Good day.

Buenas tardes.

Good afternoon.

Buenas noches.

Good evening.

Hola. Estoy muy borracho.

Hi. I'm really drunk.

Esto no está limpio.

This isn't clean.

Hola. Quisiera introducirte a mi nueva/nuevo novia/novio/piscinero. No nos disturbe, por favor.

Hi. I'd like to introduce you to my new girlfriend/boyfriend/pool boy. Please don't disturb us.

Te pareces caliente.

You look hot.

Apurete, muchahca/muchacho.

Hurry up, girl/boy.

Yo sé que es duro vivir sin dinero.

I understand how difficult it is to live with not much money.

No te daré más. Hay otros que quisieran tu trabajo.

I won't give you more. There are others who would like your job.

¿Te incomodarías si nado desnudo?

Will it bother you if I swim naked?

Pues, busca otro trabajo.

Then look for another job.

Sexual Harassment

Any responsible star will try to protect staff members from sexual harassment by establishing a uniform code of conduct. Of course, many stars have hung themselves by their own petard by forgetting that such conduct also applies to themselves. If you are going to "fall in love" with an employee, don't begin the affair by informing your love interest of his or her rights.

The International Guild of Professional Butlers offers this sexual harassment policy as an example of how you may inform the rest of your staff of its rights and obligations in this arena:

NOTE: This is a sample sexual harassment policy, notifying workers that sexual harassment will not be tolerated. Include this form in an Employee Handbook or make it available separately.

In order to provide a productive and pleasant working environment, it is important that we at (______ Household) endeavor to maintain a workplace characterized by mutual respect. Accordingly, sexual harassment in our workplace will not be tolerated.

Prohibited Activities

Sexual harassment has been defined as a form of sex discrimination, consisting of unwanted sexual advances. Examples of prohibited sexual harassment include:

Supervisors or managers explicitly or implicitly suggesting sex in return for a hiring, compensation, promotion, or retention decision.

Verbal or written sexually suggestive or obscene comments, jokes, or propositions.

Unwanted physical contact, such as touching, grabbing, or pinching.

Displaying sexually suggestive objects, pictures, or magazines.

Continual expression of sexual or social interest after an indication that such interest is not desired.

Conduct with sexual implications when such conduct interferes with the employee's work performance or creates an intimidating work environment.

Suggesting or implying that failure to accept a request for a date or sex would adversely affect the employee in respect to a performance evaluation or promotion.

STAR QUESTION: Is It True What They Say About Pool Technicians?

Yes. Many pool technicians in the Los Feliz to Malibu corridor enjoy fulfilling clients' non-natatorial desires. The lonely star is the one who doesn't ask.

STAR ISSUE: PSYOPS, or Nonlethal Methods for Coping with Driveway Tourists

Even if you opt for a low-key personal life, fans eventually will gather at your gate, hoping to glimpse, touch, or, in difficult cases, assassinate you. Military forces around the world have effectively used psychological operations (PSYOPS) since the time of Jehoshaphat, whose army sang its way to a weaponless victory. More recently, the U.S. military used PSYOPS to dislodge General Manuel Noriega in Panama and to disorient insurgents in Iraq. PSYOPS works just as effectively to neutralize your driveway tourists.

Psychological operations to consider:

Indifference: Ignore the hordes in your driveway. (Difficult when they are blocking your entrance or exit.) Eventually they will leave.

Friendly: Invite them in for tea. (Not advised, for security reasons.) They will become disillusioned by the fact that you, too, have to wash your teacups (or at least have to tell someone to wash them) and will leave.

Icy cordiality: Offer autographs through the gate. (Don't let them grab your hands.) But smile coldly. They will become uncomfortable and leave.

Insecure: Bake the organic, sugar- and wheat-free cookies you favor and distribute them at the gate. They will spit them out and leave.

Hostile: Turn on your curbside sprinkler via remote control before entering or leaving the gate. (Beware: Some people will interpret this as an affectionate gesture.)

Aggressive: Hire armed and insensitive curbside patrols.

Last resort: Play loud classical music and distribute literary novels. Display your plastic surgery scars. Fart with indiscretion, as though you were one of the regular people (RP).

Six Signs of a Stalker

Stars are pungent stalker bait. If you suspect that someone is stalking you, hire security, notify the police, and pack heat. Here are some signs that you are being stalked.

1. You receive repeated phone calls from the same (sometimes unknown) person, even when you've told them not to contact you again.

2. The person waits for you at your house, at the studio, or at the Ivy.

3. The person makes threats, professes love, or writes hostile reviews of your movies.

4. The person manipulates you by threatening to commit suicide unless you contact them.

5. The person sends you letters and gifts (often with overly romantic or fearsome content).

6. The person lies to others about your behavior and spreads rumors that you are a drug user.

Copyright © 2006 by Stephen P. Williams. Excerpted by permission of Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

A newspaper and magazine journalist for more than twenty years, Stephen P. Williams has written articles for publications such as the New York Times, Men's Journal, Newsweek, GQ, and many others. He is also the author of How to Be President.