The Preliminaries

Marriage Mentor Training Manual for Wives
by Les Parrott III, Ph.D., Dr. Leslie Parrott

You've spent years learning how to make your marriage work. Now it's time to share your knowledge and experience. These marriage mentoring training manuals for husbands and wives equip the two of you to help a less experienced couple arrive at the stability, comfort, and richness you've achieved in your own relationship.

Everything You Need to Launch a Marriage Mentoring Program A sleeping giant is waking up in the church today — YOU — and thousands of couples like you who are making a huge difference in countless marriages. You've spent years learning how to make your marriage work. Now, as marriage mentors, you're ready to help other couples grow stronger in their marriages while taking your own marriage to the next level Designed by two of today's foremost marriage experts, this groundbreaking resource will train and equip you to help others weather the storms and build successful marriages. You won't find a more thorough, reassuring, and carefully designed approach for marriage mentoring anywhere.

Chapter 1

Should We Do This Training in a Group or on Our Own?

Because we want to eliminate any hurdles that may exist in getting a marriage mentoring ministry off the ground, we have designed our training program to be flexible — so that it can be implemented in a small church of just a few dozen to a megachurch with thousands, by individual couples in the comfort of their own home or in a group of any size This session of the manual will elaborate on how the training can be used best in either an individual couple or group setting. v If you are doing the training as an individual couple, proceed to the section titled "How Marriage Mentors Learn Best" on the next page If you are doing the training in a group setting, we suggest that you spend a few minutes introducing yourselves to the rest of the couples and, depending on the time available, answering at least one of the following questions:

• How did the two of you meet?
• How did you get engaged? Describe the proposal
• Why are you interested in marriage mentoring?

How Marriage Mentors Learn Best

We have taught university courses for nearly two decades. And because our university takes teaching seriously, we often are required to attend workshops on "pedagogy" (pronounced ped-a-go-gee), a five-dollar word meaning "methods of instruction." As professors, we want to know how our students best learn a particular subject, so we in turn can use techniques and tools to help them internalize it and be able to use their new knowledge effectively.

We've given that same serious attention to exploring how you, as marriage mentors, will absorb, retain, and practice the information you'll be learning in this program. We conducted research on mentors-in-training. We've done pre- and post-tests to know what works and what doesn't. We've even conducted research with control groups to know if a particular piece of training makes any difference.

We say all this to let you know that this program is designed with great intention. And as you will soon see, it relies heavily on interaction. Sure, you will read a bit of content, complete a few self-tests, and view some real-live mentors on the training DVD. But much of your learning will take place as you talk with each other — husband and wife. Indeed, you'll learn more from what you say to each other than you will from any lecture, workshop, or seminar on this subject.

Why Do We Need Two Training Manuals?

You may be thinking, This is a couple's training program. Can't we just share a manual? It's a fair question. But let us tell you why having two manuals — his and hers — is essential for this training.

First, you will see that each manual has a session specific to that manual. This is where we speak directly to husbands and directly to wives about what they uniquely bring to the table of marriage mentoring. Each of us is hardwired differently for this task, and to be effective we need to give serious attention to our gender differences as marriage mentors — so that we might use them to our advantage with our mentorees.

Second, even if these unique sections were not included, it's important to complete many of the exercises on your own — before you explore them with your spouse. If you were to see your spouse's answers to particular questions before you answer the same questions yourself, it would influence your response and drain energy and authenticity from your training sessions. Allow us to illustrate our point by having you do a brief exercise right now.

Note: Before beginning the exercise, become familiar with our simple system of symbols for types of exercises throughout the manual:
	=	An exercise to complete on your own
	=	An exercise to complete with your spouse, typically a discussion of an on-your-own exercise
	=	An exercise to complete couple to couple or in a larger group

Exploring Potential Fears of Marriage Mentoring (5 minutes)

	Complete the following two sentence-stems as best as you can — without consulting your husband to do so. In beginning this training program on marriage mentoring, my greatest fear is . . .
	In beginning this training program on marriage mentoring, my husband's greatest fear is . . .
	Once you both have taken a minute to complete these sentences, compare notes. Are the answers your husband gave ones you would have predicted? Do you now know something new about each other that you didn't know just five minutes ago?

You get the point. This workbook will have dozens of opportunities for the two of you to talk with each other; and to make these conversations all they can be, you'll each need your own gender-specific training manual.

Of course, beyond two separate manuals from which to work, there are other ways to ensure you get as much out of this training as possible. We offer suggestions for doing just that in the next section.

How to Get the Most from This Book
and Accompanying DVD

George, age ninety-two, and Jane, age eighty-nine, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss wedding plans, they happen to pass a drugstore and stop in. George asks to speak to the owner.

"We're about to get married," George informs him. "Do you sell heart medication?"

"Of course we do," the owner replies.

"How about support hose to help with poor circulation?"

"Definitely."

"What about medicine for rheumatism, osteoporosis, and arthritis?" George continues.

"All kinds," says the owner with confidence.

"How about waterproof furniture covers and Depends?"

"Yessir."

"Hearing aids, denture supplies, and reading glasses?" the groom-to-be asks.

"Yes."

"What about eyedrops, sleeping pills, Geritol, and Ensure?"

"Absolutely."

"Do you sell wheelchairs, walkers, and canes?"

"All kinds and sizes," the owner replies. "But why all these questions?" George smiles and proudly announces, "We'd like to use your store as our bridal registry."

Who can blame them? They're simply preparing, in very practical terms, for their journey together. And that's what we want to do next: prepare you for where you're going as a marriage mentor couple, equipping you with what you'll need to make this training experience the best it can be.

We'll begin with a quick overview of where we're headed, then a look at what's required of you, followed by some simple suggestions for maximizing your experience, and a final note on how to use each of the marriage mentoring resources available to you.

© 2006 Zondervan. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Dr. Les Parrott is a master communicator, having impacted people from all walks of life including executives, international government officials, professional athletes and college students. His charisma, humor and practical advice have placed him in high demand as a conference and seminar speaker. He has spoken internationally to a variety of groups including corporations such as Johnson & Johnson, Price Waterhouse, the armed services, and associations of professional athletes. His breakneck schedule takes him across North America and around the world.

Dr. Leslie Parrott is a marriage and family therapist and codirector with her husband, Dr. Les Parrott, of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. She is the author of God Made You Nose to Toes, and coauthor with her husband of several bestselling books, including The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring, Relationships, Love Talk, and the Gold Medallion Award-winner, Saving Your Marriage before It Starts. Leslie is a columnist for Today's Christian Woman and has been featured on Oprah, CBS Morning, CNN, and The View, and in USA Today and he New York Times. The Parrotts' radio program, Love Talk, is carried by stations throughout North America. Leslie lives in Seattle with her husband and their two sons.