Ideas for Mentoring Any Couple

51 Creative Ideas for Marriage Mentors: Connecting Couples to Build Better Marriages
by Les Parrott III, Ph.D., Dr. Leslie Parrott

Designed to work on its own or in tandem with the Parrotts' other marriage mentoring resources, 51 Creative Ideas for Marriage Mentors will inspire fresh ideas, increase a sense of vision for the marriage mentoring process, and build the confidence of all marriage mentors, regardless of age or stage.

51 Creative Ideas for Marriage Mentors offers an "idea box" of activities and innovative ways to deepen relationships between mentoring couples. It can be used in any of the three areas of the marriage mentoring triad:

• Preparing — mentoring engaged and newlywed couples
• Maximizing — mentoring couples from good to great
• Restoring — mentoring couples in distress

Creative ideas for marriage mentors are grouped into these three areas. There is also an entire section of ideas appropriate for mentoring any couple. With activities that vary from quickly implemented suggestions to more involved interactions, this easy-to-use reference will help alleviate the stress of couples overwhelmed by mentoring ... and take experienced mentors to a whole new level.

Designed to work on its own or in tandem with the Parrotts' other marriage mentoring resources, 51 Creative Ideas for Marriage Mentors will inspire fresh ideas, increase a sense of vision for the marriage mentoring process, and build the confidence of all marriage mentors, regardless of age or stage.

In this section you'll find several practical suggestions for mentoring any couple, no matter their age or stage. Feel free to make these ideas your own by changing them in ways that may work best with your mentorees.

Chapter 1

Practice the Thirty-Second Rule

This little idea is a winner that works for every marriage mentoring relationship. And it's simple. Within the first thirty seconds of a meeting with your mentorees, say something encouraging to them. Give them an uplifting compliment.

This can be more challenging than you might think. Most of the time, upon meeting someone, we human beings focus on ourselves, searching for ways to make ourselves look good. Out of habit, we ask the generic "How are you doing?" Or, "Tell me about your day." That's fine, especially when it is genuinely focused on the mentoree couple, but if you truly want to see the spirits of your mentoree couple soar, try this thirty-second rule. Deposit good words in them before you even get started. Once you begin to practice this regularly, you'll see it really doesn't take all that much effort.

Everyone feels better when you give them attention and affirmation. So be sure to focus your attention, genuinely, on your mentorees right upfront. If you're distracted by something else at the beginning, that sets the tone for your time together.

Next, go out of your way to affirm them. Say something like, "You two always look so sharp," "I love the enthusiasm that exudes from you two," or "You guys have really been working hard, haven't you?" If nothing else, you can always affirm your mentorees for being men-tored: "I'm so proud to be mentoring you two."

In thirty seconds' time, you just might say some of the most uplifting words they've heard all day.

Chapter 2

Curb Marriage Gossip

Early on in any marriage mentoring relationship it is imperative to discuss confidentiality. Your mentorees will be put at ease if you assure them of your confidence. After all, they will only share information to the level that they know you are not going to be blabbing it to others — even strangers.

So take some time to explore this matter with them. Tell them flat out that the information that they share with you stays with you. Assure them that you would never betray their trust and that you will protect the information they share.

And while you're on the subject, you also might talk about "marital gossip." This is the all-too-common scenario that evolves when one spouse begins to talk to a friend or relative about their marital issues. Is this always inappropriate? Of course not. But it can soon become harmful if it makes the other spouse feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.

For example, if he doesn't want others to know he locked himself out of the car which in turn became the source of a marital spat, she should keep that information to herself. If she doesn't want others to know that she regularly loses her temper with the kids, he should keep that information to himself. But by expressing general frustration to a trusted, supportive friend in order to gain objectivity about a situation, they are not unduly embarrassing their partner nor are they complaining about specific behavior.

You get the idea. It basically comes down to helping them see the difference between seeking support from somebody outside the relationship versus venting feelings by complaining. And venting is almost always unhealthy for a marriage and damaging to a couple's sense of loyalty to each other. In fact, you can let mentorees know that if either of them wants to vent, you — as their marriage mentors — are a safe place for doing just that, as long as both spouses are present. (If you do this one-on-one, it creates an unhealthy triangle in your relationship with your mentoree couple.)

Here's a final thought that may help curb marital gossip. Have your mentorees consider the remarkable energy that would be restored to their marriage if they "gossiped" about good things instead of bad. If, for example, a wife confided in a friend how sweet her husband was to clean up the kitchen. Or if a husband told his friend how generous his wife was in giving to the needy. This is another way of saying that if you want to curb marital gossip, you can't go wrong by becoming your partner's publicist. In short, urge them to gab about the good with other people and never betray one another's confidence.

© 2006 Zondervan. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Dr. Les Parrott is a master communicator, having impacted people from all walks of life including executives, international government officials, professional athletes and college students. His charisma, humor and practical advice have placed him in high demand as a conference and seminar speaker. He has spoken internationally to a variety of groups including corporations such as Johnson & Johnson, Price Waterhouse, the armed services, and associations of professional athletes. His breakneck schedule takes him across North America and around the world.

Dr. Leslie Parrott is a marriage and family therapist and codirector with her husband, Dr. Les Parrott, of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. She is the author of God Made You Nose to Toes, and coauthor with her husband of several bestselling books, including The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring, Relationships, Love Talk, and the Gold Medallion Award-winner, Saving Your Marriage before It Starts. Leslie is a columnist for Today's Christian Woman and has been featured on Oprah, CBS Morning, CNN, and The View, and in USA Today and he New York Times. The Parrotts' radio program, Love Talk, is carried by stations throughout North America. Leslie lives in Seattle with her husband and their two sons.