Asking the Big Questions

Bob Greene's Total Body Makeover
by Bob Greene

(Page 8 of 10)

Jeff's Story

Sometimes it takes a crisis to bring your life into focus. I was 39 years old and had ended up in the hospital in critical condition, my body overcome by diabetes. I'm a big man, six feet two, but the 310 pounds I was carrying was taking a big toll on both my body and my mind.

When the fog of that episode began to lift, I had to ask myself why I wasn't achieving what I desired. It wasn't as if I didn't try to be healthy, but I had a lot of the wrong ideas about things. I was lifting weights six times a week and eating lots of hamburgers and steaks. I'd work out for two hours and then go eat fried chicken, figuring that I was exercising the calories away. I tried different diets and even tried visualizing myself at a healthy weight, but the pounds kept piling on month after month.

When I was 18, I was applying for a summer job when I was approached by Oprah, who happened to be in the same place that day. She must have sensed my depression, because she offered some kind words. She told me that I could be whatever I wanted to be, and she made me promise I wouldn't give up. Just to be kind back, I agreed.

Twenty-two years later, when my struggle with weight brought me to the place where I had no choice but to maintain a healthier diet, there Oprah was again. This time, she was eighty-five pounds lighter and had kept the weight off for more than two years with help of Bob Greene. Part of my reeducation on eating was found in Make the Connection by Bob and Oprah. Reading through Oprah's stories about her own weight loss battles along with the encouragement and advice she and Bob provided helped walk me toward a healthier and happier existence.

Most important, I asked myself, "Why am I here, and how can I battle what I cannot see?" The answer came to me through keeping a daily journal. It allowed me to ask myself powerful and, at times, painful questions. Answering those questions became my private therapy session, helping me to take a good hard look at what I was truly battling. One of the things that I realized was that because of the abuse I'd suffered as a child I was trying to make myself big so no one could take advantage of me ever again. Not surprisingly, I was not succeeding at trying to be big and lose weight at the same time.

Since I made that connection, I have become 30 pounds lighter and much healthier. For the first time I realized what I was doing, and I was able to let it all go. I've learned to eat more nutritiously, and even though I sometimes eat foods I know I shouldn't, I have been able to maintain a healthier diet. I've gone from taking insulin three times a day to twice a week. I do cardiovascular exercise every day, generally doing 20 to 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes to an hour in the evenings. In the summer and spring I walk, and in the winter and fall I do tae bo. I also work out on the treadmill and elliptical machine and do wind sprints on the track. I've cut back my weight training to one day a week (for some reason lifting causes my blood sugar to rise). I have 20 more pounds to go before I achieve the body I've been visualizing, but I'm making progress.

Since dropping the weight, I no longer suffer from nagging back pain, shortness of breath, or trying to find clothes that fit (I can now tuck my shirt in and see my feet while standing up). I feel that I can achieve anything I set my mind to, and, released from the prison of fear and failure, I am free to create the life I want. I am no longer affected by life; life is now affected by me. The promise I made years ago not to give up has been fulfilled.

The Second Cornerstone: Responsibility

I once worked with a client who was a tremendously honest person. He was willing to own up to all his weaknesses, which included a tendency to try to cut corners and a strong attachment to immediate gratification. But while he was willing to own up to these shortcomings, he wasn't willing to own them — and those are two different things. "That's just the way I am," he would say, as if he were a robot who had been programmed, with no will of his own. He could swallow the notion that his actions were detrimental to his health and weight loss goals, but not the notion that he could change those actions. Taking responsibility wasn't in his realm of possibilities.

Until one day it was. After his wife asked him for a divorce, he really reflected on his behavior, realized it was his responsibility to change it, and decided that he would. Now he's remarried, has money in the bank (he was always broke before), and very happy. The divorce motivated him to change his core behavior. As a result, everything else in his life improved too.

Leveling with yourself is just the first step to building a sound emotional foundation. But successful people don't just tell the truth, they also take responsibility for it. They vow to change and make good on that promise. Saying "That's just the way I am, and I'll have to work around it" won't get you anywhere. Saying "That's how I used to be, but I'm not going to be that person anymore" will.

The real challenge you have ahead of you is to change things about you that may be central to your personality. To make that possible, you need to stop pointing to external reasons for the state of your weight and your health. The way you were brought up, your significant other, the stress of your job or parenting duties — none of these things is to blame for your behavior. You can no longer fall back on saying "My mother did this to me," "My husband and kids won't eat that," "My boss demands this and that." It's simply not going to wash anymore. You've got to look at the truth about you and stop blaming your life on outside factors. Nor can you put the blame on a world filled with endless temptations (so many wonderful things to eat, so many other things to do besides exercise). The responsibility is yours and yours alone. It all comes down to you. You are in control of your actions and, likewise, in control of making over your body. The people I know who've changed their lives of their lives. Ask yourself: What kind of life do you want? Define it, work for it, seize it.

Dean, whose story you're about to read, is a perfect example. Dean is a young woman who has had such bad luck that she could easily have laid the blame for her weight problem at fate's feet. Instead, one day she woke up to the fact that she had to take responsibility for her behavior. Today, she has the body to prove that seizing control of your life will set you on the road to success.

I Am Not a Victim
Dean's Story

My journey began on my thirty-second birthday in June 2002. My husband and family had given me a surprise party. It was a joyous occasion — until I saw myself on a video a friend took of the party. I was so disgusted with how incredibly huge and jiggly my body was that I teared up and wanted to run out of the room to hide. Right then I knew for sure that I had to make a big change.

At the time I was a size 16 and was carrying 190 pounds on a five foot, two inch frame. At one point I had even been a size 20 and weighed 215 pounds. Today, I have lost 105 pounds and wear a size 6. Although I still have a little weight to lose, my skin is now firm and my muscles are toned. But to get from there to here turned out to be a physical and emotional roller-coaster ride.

After that fateful birthday, I bought the Atkins diet book and began to read it. I felt as though Dr. Atkins was describing me, and I started the program the very next day. I felt that dieting would be the solution since exercise was difficult; I have fibromyalgia, an incurable chronic pain syndrome that leaves me weak, fatigued, and sore from head to toe.

Still, I bought some yoga and Pilates tapes and began to work out in front of the television while my two older boys were in school. Even though I had to take it slowly, I lost 10 pounds in two weeks.

My health, unfortunately, got in the way. First it was female problems — heavy bleeding, cramping, pain — and it became apparent that I needed a hysterectomy. A date was set for surgery, but two days before the operation, my health insurance company denied my claim. By August, I had to have an emergency D & C, but it didn't solve the problem. I was still bleeding and emotionally drained, so much so that one day I fell apart, sobbing uncontrollably. I literally dropped to my knees to pray and ask God to please give me the strength I needed to lose weight and feel good about myself. I was so sick of being sick! Before I go on, I want to make it clear that I am not a victim. In fact, I come from a long line of strong women. My grandmother and my mother are my heroes. They taught me to "dream big and do bigger." All through my ordeal, I remembered their example. Giving up was never an option. As my grams used to say, "With perseverance, even the snail made it to the ark."

My real problem is not obesity per se. Since childhood I would denigrate myself and punish myself for things I had no control over. I would medicate myself with food instead of dealing with my low self-esteem. As a child, I blamed myself for the divorce of my parents, feeling that I had failed them somehow. I was present when my twin sister died in a freak accident when we were only six years old. From then on, I thought that I deserved all the cruelty I was to endure, including being sexually molested between the ages of seven and nine.

One day I hit rock bottom. I wept for my traumatic childhood. I wept for my difficult pregnancies and births. I wept for being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and all that goes with this dreadful disease, including severe depression. Finally, I wept for my most recent loss, the death of my grandmother. Then I decided never to cry myself to sleep again and to change my attitude right then and there. I knew that I had to accept who I was in spite of my imperfections.

I fought the insurance company and won. I recommitted to my new lifestyle of low carbs, no sugar, and exercise six days a week. Whenever I felt down, I thought of my children and my husband. To help them, I would have to help myself. Getting well was the greatest way I could show my love for them.

My surgery dates were again postponed. It actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because in the process the doctors discovered bladder disease. Finally, in December 2002, I had the hysterectomy and bladder surgeries.

As I slowly recovered, I went back to yoga and Pilates. By January, I had lost 40 pounds and eleven inches around my waist. One Sunday, I was hurrying down the hall when I tripped and fell flat on my face. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered that my slip had dropped down to my ankles. It wasn't my most graceful moment, but it was a moment of crazy joy!

That's when I took Bob and Oprah's challenge and signed the contract with myself. My goal was to lose the rest of the weight within the next twelve weeks. In hindsight, I am so glad I made that official commitment to myself at that point. It helped me through the last big hurdle.

In early February, doubled over with intense abdominal pain, I was admitted to the hospital. I had to have my gall bladder removed, but when I woke up in recovery, I was told that my appendix had also been removed and a liver biopsy performed. I was in the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced.

I had very serious complications and had to be transferred by ambulance to a hospital in San Francisco, a hundred miles away from where I live. My mother took care of my three boys while I underwent five major surgeries in a nine-week period. That's when I came close to dying — and when I decided I could not give up.

I decided I wasn't going to allow anything to keep me from losing weight. I didn't want to die a fat lady! Every time I thought I could not go on, I looked at a photo of my three precious boys and somehow managed to get through it.

It has been a long and slow recovery. Luckily, I didn't gain any weight in the hospital. I was able to return to my diet and yoga, though Pilates was too strenuous for my condition. Though I will never be cured of fibromyalgia, I am no longer plagued with psychological symptoms. I have energy that I've never known before. I have discovered an inner strength I didn't know I had. Instead of hating myself, I now treat myself the way I would treat my best friend. I have become a better individual, wife, lover, mother, daughter, and friend. I have become nicer to be around, able to laugh more and relax.

Originally, my goal was to be the size (10) and have the health I had when I first got married. To my surprise, through my challenging, yet wonderful journey, I have discovered that I can do even better than my twenty-something-year-old self. I am driven, stronger, more patient, more compassionate, much happier, and even smaller today (size 6) than I have ever been in my life!

Through accountability — and not just wanting health but working hard toward it each day — I feel as if I have been given a second chance, and I am not going to waste one second. I feel comfortable in my own skin, flaws and all, and for the very first time in 34 years I have stopped surviving through each day and actually started to live.

I believe in myself now. I have no more fear of trying new things or taking risks. I can look at myself in the mirror and instead of crying because of what I see look deeper and appreciate all the effort and progress I have made. There are still many days when my illness overwhelms me physically and emotionally, but I no longer have to lug around the extra hundred-plus pounds of me, and that helps make the bad days fewer and farther between.

I have come to realize that just like everyone else I too am entitled to joy. Earning my health is what probably means the most to me. I didn't have plastic surgery or eat special foods; I didn't take a magic pill or find a "quick fix." I exercise and eat healthy meals just as I breathe every second or shower and brush my teeth each day. I put my belief in myself into action and have never looked back.

To sum it all up, I guess I would say that life has become a celebration. For me, finding — no, choosing — better health is remembering who I am and finally living up to the potential God labeled "Dean."

One last thing: If I can do this, anyone can! Please, please, believe in yourself. I think Maya Angelou says it best: "I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it."

I am under no illusion that changing your character or letting go of ideas you've been clinging to for years is an easy task, but I also know that it can be done if you take control of your own life (control, which by the way, you've always had but perhaps just chose not to exercise). There's no shame in admitting that in the past you've acted in ways you're not proud of. What matters is what you're going to do right now and in the future. At this time you stand on the dividing line between the old you and the new you — which way are you going to go?

Taking responsibility might simply mean that you admit that you've been lazy and have chosen the easy way out every time; from now on you're not going to let a distaste for hard work get in your way. Or it might mean that you have to make some difficult decisions. If, for instance, you are in a rocky or even demoralizing relationship that's affected your ability to take good care of yourself, then you have to ask yourself what you can do to improve or perhaps even end the relationship. If you have been burying the pain of something terrible that happened long ago under the weight of excess pounds, you need to make a decision about how you can put the past behind you. Maybe you will need to seek professional help to help you deal with the pain. However you choose to approach it, your goal should be to get to a place where you're able to stop blaming the past for your present woes. Free yourself from what's been dragging you down, and you'll have the ability to move on.

Essentially, what I am asking you to do is to take hold of your life — to accept that you've messed up or that you just haven't run your life in an effective manner. Coming to a crossroads can be paralyzing, but I know that it's possible for anyone who really wants to make himself or herself over to get onto the right path. Yes, this is the hand you've been dealt, but you're going to reshuffle the deck and deal yourself a winning hand. Take responsibility for the past and the future, and you'll succeed.

Copyright © 2005 by Bob Greene Enterprises, Inc.

About the Author

Bob Greene is an exercise physiologist and certified personal trainer specializing in fitness, metabolism, and weight loss. He has been a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He is also a contributing writer and editor for O, The Oprah Magazine, and writes on health and fitness for Oprah.com. Greene is the bestselling author of Get With the Program!, The Get With the Program! Guide to Good Eating, The Get With the Program! Daily Journal, and The Get With the Program! Guide to Fast Food and Family Restaurants.