Mutual Support

Bob Greene's Total Body Makeover
by Bob Greene

(Page 7 of 10)

Dee and James's Story

Dee: I am five feet, two inches and used to wear a size 20. I had to shed about 60 pounds to reach my goal. Looking back, I realize that though I lost all that weight in about six months, it took about 12 years for me to find the will to change my lifestyle and my way of eating. All that time I had been dieting off and on, losing and gaining but never getting anywhere. I always wanted to be able to say "I did it!" I wanted to experience the joy. I wanted to be who I am now, wearing size 10. I had prayed for it for years. I had prayed alone, I had prayed with my husband. And then one day I saw Bob's article in O magazine, and it all came together. I said to myself, "This time I will be able to do it." I filled out the form and mailed it to Bob and Oprah.

It would not have happened without my husband's support. I told him that this was a turning point in my life — that I had signed a Contract with Myself and that I needed him to help me keep my word. I asked him to play a role in my diet for six months. I asked him not to bring any food into the house that wasn't on my diet. No soft drinks, no sweets, no junk-food snacks, no fried chicken. James is a very good man. We have been married 18 years. He agreed on the spot to help me.

James: In the past, when Dee was dieting I didn't participate. She had tried several plans, none of them with lasting results. But this time I could tell it was different. She was serious. She explained that it would increase her chance of success if I followed the diet with her. I didn't think much about it. "Sure," I said, "I'll do it with you!"

Maybe it was my male ego, but I didn't think that I had to lose that much weight. I was 210 pounds at the time, with a 38-inch waist, and pretty confident about my looks. But then the first week, I lost about eight pounds, my clothes got looser, and I felt better. "Wow," I thought, "I have to keep doing this thing!" I lost 35 pounds, and now I have a 32-inch waist. I am in it for the long run.

Dee: The new eating plan was simple. A friend of ours who had lost a lot of weight had given it to me. We had to eliminate sugar, salt, bread, and soft drinks. We also had to give up fried food. We are from the South, natives of Tennessee, and have lived in Memphis, Nashville, and now Atlanta. Fried food is a tradition with us. We had to learn a completely different way of cooking. We began to grill fish, chicken, and beef.

James: We had a gas grill on our porch. We fired it up! We grilled in the rain. We grilled in winter. We grilled twice a day. We grilled food in advance and then put it in the freezer. It was great. And I was happy to help Dee prepare meals and be so much part of the whole process. Not to mention that the cleaning up afterward was much simpler than when she was cooking on a stove!

Dee: We removed all the products that would cause us to gain weight or tempt us to eat when we were not hungry. I stopped buying oil, quite a switch for me! I also stopped using a lot of butter — I used to use so much in mashed potatoes and on the green vegetables. We got rid of the salt and instead learned to cook with herbs, spices, and garlic powder. We filled our refrigerator and pantry with healthy snacks such as applesauce, fresh pineapple chunks, and sugar-free Jell-O.

I realized that changing one's ways is a question of discipline. Without it, no one can give up old habits or learn new techniques. In general, I stopped thinking about taste and instead focused on the foods' benefits to my health and weight.

We told our teenage children that if they wanted to eat sweets or unhealthy food, they would have to buy their own single servings or eat at the mall. They agreed. Sometimes my son teases me and tells me that he loved me just as much when I was my fat, warm, and cuddly self!

Members of our extended family are supportive as well. At the beginning they weren't sure, but now they know that I mean it when I say that I don't eat fried food anymore. At the last family gathering, they grilled food instead of frying it. I was very impressed.

James: Our exercise routine has been the same for the last 20 years. Dee and I exercise on the treadmill at home for about 30 minutes a day at least five days a week. Maybe that's why, at our age and in spite of the excess weight we have carried around all these years, we have maintained good health — we have good blood pressure, low cholesterol, and are not diabetic. I am 40 and Dee is 42, but we feel and look years younger since we changed our diet and dropped all those pounds.

Together, we have relearned how to eat. Now we pray every night out of gratitude. Our prayers keep us focused and motivated.

Dee had it pretty easy with James. She asked him to be supportive, and he didn't hesitate to jump on her bandwagon. Some of you might not have it so easy, but you still need to take that first step, which is to ask your partner, family, and/or friends to help you out. Let them know that you are serious about your commitment to change, then show them you are serious about change through your actions. Ultimately, you can really strengthen your relationships by starting a dialogue about your needs and asserting your independence. Remember, though, that whether your friends and family are supportive or not, the buck still stops with you. They may make it more difficult for you to accomplish your goals, but if you really want to do so, no one can stop you from achieving them.

If encouragement and assistance aren't forthcoming, you'll need to do some serious thinking about whether you want to continue to have a relationship with the person or persons who are being unsupportive. In some cases, you may need to move on. Many people have found that in fact the real change they needed to make was not what they ate for dinner, but something much larger: they needed to change or let go of a relationship, and once they did, making changes in their health-related behavior came a lot more easily. (See Angela's story on page 68.)

Procrastination: Do you never do today what you can put off till tomorrow?

Everybody puts things off once in a while, but chronic procrastinators put off just about everything. The trouble is, they often put off things so long that they never get around to doing them at all. How well does this describe you? If you are a procrastinator, why do you let things slide? Is it laziness, or is it fear of change? Replay some of the times when you've procrastinated, then ask yourself what stood in your way. It's really crucial that you be honest here because in order to succeed you have to break the cycle of procrastination, and to do that you have to understand why you drag your feet all the time. Dig down deep on this one: Are you simply avoiding the discomfort of making healthy changes, or are you worried that your life will change in ways that you may not be able to cope with?

I wish we had another word for lazy. The "L" word is just about the worst thing you can label someone in this society; no one likes to be called lazy. But I'm not talking about always-sitting-in-a-La-Z-Boy-chair-with-a-mai-tai kind of lazy, I'm talking about emotional laziness (okay, and when it comes to exercise, some physical laziness, too). You know things need to change, but you don't make the effort. You're always putting things off and taking the easy way out. Letting yourself off the hook. That's the kind of lazy I'm talking about.

If laziness is behind your procrastination, you have to change — now. What's often overlooked about procrastination is what accompanies it: feelings of guilt and anger at oneself. So take the bull by the horns and get going. Start a cycle of positive momentum by taking small steps toward your goals each day and feeling good about each of those steps that you take. Make a list of all the things you need to get you going — whether it be arranging for child care so you can exercise, joining a gym, stocking your kitchen with healthful foods, or visiting a farmers' market. Write down a start date for each, and then stick to that calendar.

If laziness is not your problem, is it fear? What are you afraid of? Change takes you from your comfort zone into the unknown, so it's not unusual to feel anxious. But to make your body over, you must be willing to live outside your comfort zone. That's a trait all of the successful folks you're reading about possess: they're brave.

Fear of change stops lots of people in their tracks. People who have this fear sometimes even breathe a sigh of relief when they encounter a setback because it allows them to go back to their old ways. But what is it that's so scary? For some people it's actually fear of success. Being overweight helps make many people feel as if they are invisible. Losing weight literally uncovers them, ending or at least reducing their self-imposed protection from everyday life. Often they seek ways to sabotage themselves so that they can return to the safety their excess weight provides. Or they just procrastinate and don't start at all.

If this is you, take heart. When you do find the courage to risk change and experience it in small doses, at your own rate, you'll be in for wonderful life changes. You can't know what the water is like until you put a toe in. So start small, but do start, and see where it leads. There aren't many people who can say that losing weight has been detrimental to their life. Sure, you will have adjustments to make and you will have to deal with people complimenting you and paying attention to you in admiring ways. Nice as that is, it can also make you wonder why they weren't paying attention to you before. It's a good question, but the answer doesn't really matter (and is best left to social scientists). What matters in the end is that by making your body over, you will be a healthier and — odds are — happier person. Ask yourself what you would leave behind if you lost weight. Probably nothing worth holding on to. Fear is not always an easy thing to overcome, but once you do, your life will change for the better.

Dwelling in the Past: Do you blame your current life on something that happened a long time ago?

There's no doubt that our past shapes us in fundamental ways. Yet none of us has to be defined by what happened in our formative years. By asking if you're dwelling in the past, I'm asking if you can't let go of long-ago incidents and relationships that affected you deeply. Has your self-image been shaped by earlier events to such a degree that it's hindering your future? How attached are you to the present? Do you feel paralyzed because you can't see yourself any other way than the way you are now?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to take some time and revisit the past. It may cause you discomfort or even pain, I know, but it's an essential part of the truth-telling process. Dredge up any memories that have to do with how you feel about your body. It may be related to how members of your family or those close to you treated you. For instance, some people who were taunted for being fat by parents or siblings end up staying that way because they use food to soothe away the pain of being ridiculed. It could be some type of abuse you were subject to, either physical or emotional, that's caused you to hide behind your weight. Maybe your problem has more to do with your familial approach to food. Many families equate food with love, and to reject food is to reject love. As you reflect, think about how you've learned to cope with any painful issues, incidents, or relationships. They may hold the key to why you're holding on to being overweight.

The past is past. It's time to start living in the present and making changes that will enhance your future. While certainly what happened long ago has influenced your life, that's no excuse for using it as a crutch. Successful people break the cycle of self-abuse that comes from clinging to unpleasant or even horrible experiences. Show some strength and stop blaming events, family, significant others, anyone or anything else for your eating and exercise habits. You can't change the past, but you can change how you deal with it. Join life. Life has both pleasures and pain, and you learn from both. If you're ready to do that, you're ready to begin making your body over.

Copyright © 2005 by Bob Greene Enterprises, Inc.

About the Author

Bob Greene is an exercise physiologist and certified personal trainer specializing in fitness, metabolism, and weight loss. He has been a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He is also a contributing writer and editor for O, The Oprah Magazine, and writes on health and fitness for Oprah.com. Greene is the bestselling author of Get With the Program!, The Get With the Program! Guide to Good Eating, The Get With the Program! Daily Journal, and The Get With the Program! Guide to Fast Food and Family Restaurants.