Giving Up Easily: Do setbacks routinely knock you off course?

Bob Greene's Total Body Makeover
by Bob Greene

(Page 5 of 10)

Life is full of setbacks, but some people don't see them for what they really are: temporary, not permanent, hindrances. What happens to you when the gains you made in an area — be it losing weight, mastering a sport or hobby, succeeding on the job — either stagnate or reverse? Do you usually just give up? Do you feel discouraged and angry? How much of a perfectionist are you? Do you think that anything that can't be done perfectly shouldn't be done at all?

I think it's fair to say that nobody who has succeeded in any area of life has made it without experiencing setbacks. If you're disheartened by even small disappointments, you're going to find it difficult to reach your goals. Have you already let setbacks deter you in the past? And — think carefully here — was the setback really such a failure? What makes you feel as though you have to be perfect or that you won't be able to recover from a defeat? Now think about instances when you didn't let setbacks stop you from reaching your goal. When have you and when haven't you persevered, and what was the difference between the two experiences?

If you haven't noticed by now that life is a roller coaster, then you haven't been paying attention. You're going to have ups and downs — everybody does — and your success is going to hinge on how well you weather the downs. Many people I know use setbacks to let themselves off the hook. Consciously or unconsciously, they secretly want the opportunity to get out of the hard work of change or to confirm that they weren't meant to achieve what they set out to do. Sometimes these are hard traits to recognize in yourself. It's really important to acknowledge how you have dealt with disappointments in the past and to dig deep to understand why you let them knock you off course.

Don't be someone who lets setbacks invalidate all your previous efforts and keep you from making ongoing attempts to change your life. Don't use them as an excuse to give up. Not being able to sweep minor failures under the carpet and get on with life is a major reason for ultimate failure. Don't give in to the little failures — they'll just turn into big ones. Keep your focus on the progress you've made. Be prepared to experience setbacks, to acknowledge them, and then to move on.

Part of this is being realistic. Know, for instance, that if one night you slip up and eat a piece of cake, you're not going to weigh three pounds more the next day. More important, there's no reason not to get back on track. Setbacks can be depressing, but don't use the disappointment you're feeling as a justification for overeating and forgoing exercise. Successful people have an ability to roll with the punches, a skill you're going to need to master if you too hope to succeed. Some people come by the skill naturally, but others have to develop it, and you can do that by focusing on the truth: setbacks are bumps in the road; they are not the end of the road.

Immediate Gratification: Are you impatient if you don't see results right away? Do you opt for what feels good now over what will feel good later?

If there is a litmus test for success at weight loss, getting fit, and changing your health profile, it's whether you constantly need immediate gratification. People who can defer gratification usually lose weight and become healthy and fit; those who live for immediate gratification usually don't. If you can't master the urge to satisfy yourself in the short term, you're going to have a long, hard road in front of you.

Impatience is rampant these days, and it's not hard to see why. We live in a "fast" society: everything from information on the Internet to food comes to us quickly — more quickly than we might even have imagined just a few short years ago. It's no wonder, then, that most people are intolerant of anything short of immediate gratification. But are you chronically impatient? Does your desire to have everything right now extend to all aspects of your life? Are you anxious to be on the next rung of your career ladder when you've just started your new job? Do you want your financial investments to pay off overnight? Do you expect to be instantaneously accomplished at any skill, from tennis to painting, you take on yourself to learn? When it comes to your body, do you want to participate in an exercise class, go home, and see a different body in the mirror? Do you want to eat less on one day and weigh less the very next?

Getting what you want right now doesn't jibe with achieving weight loss; you must be willing to delay gratification. Many an immediate gratification junkie has given up because he or she didn't see change right away. These people are also prone to opting for what makes them happy in the short term over what will make them happy in the long term. How many times have you chosen a piece of cake for dessert because it offers instant fulfillment over the delayed satisfaction of having a thinner, healthier body? How many times have you skipped a workout to sleep late now, the prospect of being fitter later be damned? You can probably detect this same kind of behavior in other areas. Was there a time, for instance, when you bought yourself a new outfit instead of tucking the money away towards vacation? Are there times when, to the contrary, you've waited to get the things you want? How did that feel, and can you see yourself doing it again?

Deflecting temptation and delaying satisfaction aren't easy. But succeeding at making yourself over depends on your ability to delay gratification, to pass on temptations by looking and striving toward the future. This is one of the hardest parts, if not the hardest, of making yourself over. You have to be willing to make sacrifices. You can't (literally and figuratively) have your cake and eat it, too.

But if you've lived your life giving in to the need for immediate satisfaction, how do you change? One thing that helps is to constantly remind yourself of what your goals are and how important they are to you. When temptation strikes during this 12-week program (and it will!), picture yourself accomplishing what you've set out to and reflect on how gratifying it will be if you can just get past the moment of temptation. (And often it is just a moment — sometimes if you just wait for a minute or two instead of acting right away, the desire will pass.) It can also help to surround yourself with reminders of what you want to achieve: an article of clothing you hope to fit into one day; pictures of yourself at a weight you aim to return to; entry blanks for 5K or 10K runs you want to participate in; pamphlets for hiking or biking trips you'd like to go on when you're fit enough. Anytime you're tempted to miss an exercise session or eat something you know isn't good for you, use these talismans to remind you of your goals. You might even try writing down what you're giving up and what, in the future, you'll get in return. Seeing it in black and white may make your choice much clearer.

Use imagery, too. When you're standing in front of the refrigerator deciding whether or not to dive into the leftovers from dinner, conjure up images of yourself reaching your goal. Keep that vision in your mind's eye, and it will help you get through tough times.

Focus on the positive things that are happening. Too often people have their eyes only on the main prize — a fitter body — when there are many smaller prizes to be had as well. As you get fitter, do you find yourself feeling better? Sleeping better? Do you have the energy to do things, such as playing with your kids, that you weren't able to do before? Have you discovered that you have the strength to lift weights? Have you become fit enough to increase your level of aerobic exercise? These are all important accomplishments that signal that you are becoming healthier — and that really should be your number one goal. Good health is the ultimate reward.

Here is something else that I think will eventually get you through times of temptation: habit. As you get going on this program, you will develop new, healthier habits. If you show some strength — and this, obviously, is the most challenging part — pretty soon your need for immediate gratification will subside as your healthy habits take over. Sloughing off exercise will be less of a temptation when you're in the habit of working out. Likewise, eating foods that you know aren't healthful will be less alluring when you are used to consuming more nutritious foods. I'm not saying that temptation ever completely goes away, but if you can avoid caving in early on, it does get easier as you go along.

What I'm asking you to do here is to think differently about the fleeting pleasure of giving into temptation. Small sacrifices now will have a big payoff later. Stay focused on your goal of making your body over, and you'll be less prone to giving in to immediate gratification.

Laying Blame: Do you always find someone or something else to blame for your actions?

The easiest way to let yourself off the hook for something you're ashamed of or embarrassed about is to lay blame elsewhere. The recipient of your blame might be your job, your family, some nebulous force in the universe — it doesn't really matter. If you're not taking responsibility for your own actions or failings, you are never going to be able to make changes and stick with them.

In my line of work, I see a lot of blamers. Blamers don't feel as though they're in control of their own life, and, like excuse makers, they're always trying to justify their actions. Think a minute about your obligations to others and whether they keep you from fulfilling your obligations to yourself. Do you devote the time you could be exercising to your work instead? Do you let your family's food needs take precedence over your own? There's no doubt that work and family should be priorities, but why can't your own needs also be satisfied? Isn't there a happy medium that you may be overlooking? Contemplate the family and work situations that have led you to give up on your goals. Be honest about whether you used them as excuses or they were legitimate. Say, for instance, that you give up morning walks because they didn't give you enough time to get the kids ready for school. Okay, so why couldn't you get up a half hour earlier or get a walk in later in the day? These are the kinds of things I want you to think about as you consider where you're laying the blame for your behavior.

What worthwhile thing have you accomplished in your life? Did you do so by making it a top priority? Chances are the answer is yes. Life just doesn't work any other way. It follows, then, that if you're going to change your life, you have to be among your top priorities. That means that if you don't accomplish what you planned to, you are to blame — not anyone or anything else.

Reshuffling your life to put health and fitness goals front and center can be unsettling. But look at it this way: you are going to be a much better friend, spouse, significant other, parent, employee, employer — whichever role(s) you play in daily life — if you are happy and healthy. Maybe the airline metaphor is overused, but let me throw it out there anyway. There's a reason why, in case of emergency, the flight attendants ask you to first place the oxygen mask over your own face before assisting children: you're not going to do them any good if you can't breathe yourself! The same is true when it comes to your health: though you may think you are sacrificing your own goals for others, in fact, you are doing them a disservice by not being the best you can be. If you stay on track, your relationships with others will benefit tremendously, and you will also be setting a good example for people you care about and who care about you. This is especially important if you are a parent. Kids mimic their parents' behavior, and, especially in this age of increasing childhood obesity, it's essential to present them with good role models.

I know what you may be thinking: Reprioritizing is easier said than done! How can I reorder my work or family obligations? If you think creatively, there is always a way. You may have to be more efficient in your other responsibilities; you may have to let some things go and concede that, say, not everything in your house will be put away perfectly or that you will have to say no to covering for a coworker.

One woman who shared her makeover story with me for my Web site faced this problem. Her family protested when she stopped bringing junk food into the house, but when she stood her ground, they eventually came around. "I have a family history of diabetes, and not only did I not want that for myself, I didn't want it for my children or husband," she said. "Now I keep bags of oranges and apples and granola and flavored water in the house instead of chips and soda. The whole family has gotten healthier, and my husband has lost weight, too. At first I got a few frowns, but it's better now — and there is still room for treats in our lives. It's just that now we go out and get ice cream on occasion instead of always keeping a gallon of ice cream in the freezer."

When you think about your obligations to others, be certain that you aren't using those responsibilities as an excuse to let yourself off the hook. If you're just being lazy or avoiding the unpleasant, be honest about it. You're never going to get to the next step if you don't face up to the real reasons why you've failed in the past.

Copyright © 2005 by Bob Greene Enterprises, Inc.

About the Author

Bob Greene is an exercise physiologist and certified personal trainer specializing in fitness, metabolism, and weight loss. He has been a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He is also a contributing writer and editor for O, The Oprah Magazine, and writes on health and fitness for Oprah.com. Greene is the bestselling author of Get With the Program!, The Get With the Program! Guide to Good Eating, The Get With the Program! Daily Journal, and The Get With the Program! Guide to Fast Food and Family Restaurants.