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"Oh, Em, I'm so glad it worked out okay. I've been thinking about you all day."

"I mean, I felt a bit weird because it was like really facing up to the fact that I'm..." Emma looked around to check that nobody was in earshot and dropped her voice to barely a whisper. "... that I'm HIV positive, you know. It really brought it home to me. I was freaked out when I went to the center because the first woman I saw looked really, really ill and it scared the hell out of me. I suddenly felt that I didn't belong there. I'm not ill; I don't look ill. I felt like a fake or something. I just wanted to run home and watch Saturday morning TV like everyone else and forget any of it was happening, but luckily I was ushered into the youth center, where everyone was just sat around watching telly, listening to music, and gossiping, and that calmed me down a bit."

"Was everyone in the youth center talking about being HIV positive and stuff?"

"No, not really. Before I even went into the main center itself, Lucinda, one of the coordinators of the center, took me and my mum into this room and just had a quick chat with us. She told me that everyone in the group was affected by HIV and AIDS one way or another. She explained that some of the teenagers were HIV positive while others had parents or siblings who were positive or who had died of AIDS-related causes. So even though nobody was talking about HIV outright today, there was an understanding that everyone knew why they were there. That was what was so amazing about it all for me. I hadn't actually talked to anyone else with HIV before today, Leyla. I've been sat in that flat thinking that I must be the only sixteen-year-old girl in the whole world with it."

I was in awe of what Emma had to say. It must have been awful for her all those months not knowing another person who was in the same boat as her. I wanted to hear more.

"What did you do all day?" I asked.

"We just hung out really. You know: We had dinner, played CDs, mucked around on the PlayStation and the computer. I made you something, actually. I was just playing around with the clip art on the computer. It's silly really." Emma pulled a folded piece of A4 paper out of her jacket pocket and passed it to me. It was a picture of a big red heart with sparkly stars all around it, and in the middle it said: "Thank you for being my best mate. You're a star. Love, Em."

"Oh, Em, it's beautiful. Thank you. I'm really touched. It's gorgeous."

"It's nothing. I was just fiddling around. It could have been better but we had to stop everything we were doing at one point to get together and have this big talk. Everyone's supposed to talk about how they're feeling, what they've been doing, any points they'd like to raise about the group, and stuff like that. Not everyone spoke, though, and I just about managed to tell everyone my name."

"Did you have a group hug?" I giggled.

"Nah, it wasn't like that at all. It was dead normal."

"How's your mum?"

"She's okay. She stayed for the minimum amount of time she could get away with and headed straight out of the door as soon as possible."

"So you going back then?"

"Definitely. I mean, I was really shy and scared, but it showed me that I'm not on my own."

We were both quietly thinking about everything Em had just said when Sarah came bounding over to us, leapt on my back, and demanded to know why we were huddled together, acting all secretive. "What are you two boring old wallflowers up to? You're cooking something up, aren't you? Come on, tell me. What's with all this hiding in corners?"

"It's nothing, we're just chatting," I told her. "Catching up, discussing who's here, who's not, and planning how we can help that poor boy you've been draped over all night to make his escape."

"Oh, very funny. I'll have you know he's been attached to my side like a limpet all night. It's me who wants to get rid of him, thank you. He's got Lynx aftershave on. I mean, purrleese, as if I'm going to be interested in anyone who's wearing anything less than Calvin Klein."

I felt bad for Emma, because I knew she hated having to hide so much from people, especially those she cared about, but there didn't seem to be any choice. It was something we both had to cope with: I hated keeping anything from Sarah, but I didn't know what else to do.

We headed over to the dance floor, and Emma got to chatting with some people she knew and slotted into the crowd like the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle. That's what Emma is like. She just seems to fit in wherever she goes, whatever she does, with no effort. She breezes into any social situation and makes it look easy. People really gravitate to her, because she makes everyone feel so relaxed and comfortable. I wish I was more like her sometimes. I tend to stand back and observe and worry about what people are thinking, and live inside my head a lot, instead of just launching into a situation and living it there and then.

Darren had finished his DJing slot and was slowly making his way over to us. "Hello there, disco divas." Sarah rolled her eyes and resumed her position on Mr. Lynx aftershave's hip.

"Is this your DJ friend?" Emma asked.

Darren took her hand, twirled her around, and, bringing her to his chest, said, "DJ Darren, that's my name. Whatever the mood, whatever the occasion, I've got the disc to make you twist." Emma pulled herself away and laughed.

"This is my cousin Emma. God, you're a cheese ball."

"I know," he said, laughing at himself.

Darren makes me laugh. I know Sarah thinks he's a show-off, but he's more of a showman than a show-off, I reckon.

We joked around and danced for a while, until the clock struck midnight and I had to get home before my carriage turned into a pumpkin and my clothes turned to rags. I'd asked Mum if Emma and Sarah could come back to our place and stay the night, and she'd said okay, so we called a cab and waited by the door for it to turn up. When it eventually arrived, Darren walked with us out onto the street and opened the cab door for us to get in.

"You'll be putting your coat over a puddle for us next," Sarah said sarcastically.

"Can't a boy be chivalrous nowadays without getting his head snapped off?" Darren replied, sticking his head inside the car to confront Sarah.

"Chivalry gives me the shivers," Sarah retorted. She folded her arms across her chest and stared straight ahead, obviously not prepared to talk about it further.

"Well, adios. See you later." Darren bent down, kissed me on my cheek, and shut the door firmly.

I was smitten.

"That boy is so slimy, Leyla, I don't know what you see in him. He loves himself so badly," Sarah said, exasperated with me.

"So what's the deal with you two then? Are you, like, seeing each other properly or what? I can't believe you haven't told me about him." Emma nudged me in the ribs and squeezed my knee, demanding answers.

"Nothing's going on. That's only the third time I've ever spoken to him in my life. I met him at the Academy at that gig I told you about. He goes to our school. He invited me and Sarah along tonight, and we get on really well. That's all there is to know. There's nothing going on. I can't believe he actually kissed me good-bye. We barely know each other."

I must have looked pretty doe-eyed and smitten, because Sarah was suddenly shoving her fingers down her throat, making gagging noises and asking me to pass the bucket.

"Right. For that you're sleeping on the floor tonight, missy, and if you give me any more grief I'll make you sleep in the spare bed in Sadie's room," I threatened. "And you know she's got pictures of Posh and Becks all over her walls that will give you nightmares you'll never forget."

"Okay, okay, I'll behave, I'll behave. I've only got your best interests at heart, though, Leyla. I just think you're too special to waste your time on plonkers who love themselves too much, that's all."

I was reading a book in my room the following Saturday night when Emma called round the house. It was about nine o'clock. She'd just come back from another day at the support center. "I didn't expect to see you here tonight. Is everything okay?" I asked.

"Of course it is. I'm not always the purveyor of doom, you know."

"I didn't mean it like that. I'm just surprised to see you."

"So was your mum. And she was upset that I'd caught her in her ski pants and slippers and kept apologizing for the state of the place. What's she like? This house is a palace."

"I wish she'd stop caring about appearances and what other people think all the time and just concentrate on the more important things in life."

"Like drumming, you mean?"

"Yeah, that's right, like drumming. Are you taking the piss?"

"No, honestly I'm not. I came round specifically to talk to you about drumming, actually."

"Oh yeah? Sounds ominous. Go on." I eyed Emma suspiciously, wondering what she was getting at.

"Well, today at the center we were talking about all the different things we're going to be doing with the group over the next few weeks. There's trips to the bowling alley and the flicks and a few meals organized — you know the sort of thing. Anyway, some people suggested that they'd like to set up a music workshop — have music lessons and try and put some music together or something like that. Lucinda said that we might be able to use the music college in Salford as a base, because apparently they're really good about letting the center make use of their equipment and facilities. But first of all we need to find people who can come in and help run the workshops. You know, musicians to teach new skills and help with composing some music."

"God, you really are getting involved now, aren't you?" I said, pleased. "I knew it would take you about five minutes to settle in there."

"I wasn't so nervous today, but I still feel a bit awkward and shy there. I'm becoming so used to hiding my status like it doesn't really exist that it's weird getting used to the fact that I'm surrounded by people who aren't going to judge me or walk away from me like I'm a piece of dirt."

'Plus, I bet you can't actually believe why you're there in the first place."

"Yeah, it's that and all. But at least I am trying to face up to it, which is more than my mum is doing."

"So, have you made any friends yet or what?"

"There's a couple of girls who seem quite nice whom I talked to a bit. There's Shula; she's been going for a couple of years but seems as on edge and shy as I am when I'm there. We're the ones who hang back and try to make ourselves look as small and as inconspicuous as possible. I think we saw an ally in each other today, so we ended up chatting nervously later on. And there's Ellie, who is a bit sort of, umm, quirky, I suppose — quite odd really. She just came bounding up to me today and started telling me all about her mum, who used to be a really popular singer in Canada before she got ill, and how she wanted to sing and follow in her mum's footsteps if the music workshop came off. She made me feel more relaxed because she was so mad."

"So why do you want to talk to me about drumming then?"

"I thought you could teach people the drums." I sat up straight at that point and asked her exactly what she meant. "Well, I told them that my cousin was a top-class drummer who would be happy to share her skills with others."

Copyright © 2001 by Adele Minchin

Tags: Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)

About the Author

Adele Minchin has worked in public relations for four years, first at Campaign Against the Arms Trade and currently in publishing. She is a volunteer at Body and Soul, the self-help organization that supports adults and young people living with or affected by HIV/AIDS. The Beat Goes On is her first novel and, shortly after its first publication, won the Branford Boase Award for fiction in the UK. Adele Minchin resides in London, England.