The Wall Between, Part 2

Boundaries
by Anne Katherine, M.A., C.M.H.C., C.E.D.T.

(Page 2 of 2)

Put Up with My Behavior and You'll Be Okay

Incest is a grave violation of physical, emotional, and sexual boundaries. Laura's feelings told her that she didn't like what her stepfather was doing. But feelings had never been talked about or tended to in her family. Each person, within his or her separate circle, was expected to put up with hardship and do his duty regardless of feelings.

Her stepfather was asking her to act in spite of her feelings. When we are forced to act against our internal messages, feelings become increasingly more difficult to bear. Slowly, feelings themselves change from a friend to a betrayer that only brings pain. (This takes place over the years.) This effect of incest is one of the most serious damages of all, to cause these harmful splits within a person, splits that result from having learned to act contrary to feelings.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you probably had little help with boundary development. You may have grown up without any clear sense of your own boundaries. In fact, you may have been taught to let others run over your boundaries.

We learn about our boundaries by the way we are treated as children. Then we teach others where our boundaries are by the way we let them treat us. Most people will respect our boundaries if we indicate where they are. With some people, however, we must actively defend them.

Boundaries Require Maintenance

Your skin is an obvious example of your physical boundary. Your emotional and relational boundaries may be less obvious, but they are just as important.

If the barrier of your skin is breached by a scratch, you become vulnerable to infection. If your emotional or relational boundaries are breached, you also become vulnerable to harm. When these invisible boundaries are trespassed by the thoughtless or intrusive actions of others, it is called a boundary violation.

Like any fence, boundaries require maintenance. Some people are like ivy. They keep trying to crawl over or through our boundaries. It's tiresome, but if we let these people stay in our lives, we must keep pruning them and throwing the behavior weeds out of our yards.

What are boundaries like? Are they rigid or stiff? If I have a boundary that limits hostile comments from others, am I also walling out compliments?

Boundaries come in assorted shapes and sizes. They can be rigid like a brick wall or as flexible as a plastic bag, as impenetrable as a lead shield or as permeable as a chain-link fence. Some boundaries are transparent, others are opaque. Boundaries can be so far out that people can hardly get within yelling distance. Or they can be so close that, in the words of Groucho Marx, "If I were any closer, I'd be in back of you." Chapter Six describes different boundaries in more detail.

What is seen as a healthy boundary in one country or culture may be misunderstood or feared in another culture. Actions interpreted as boundary violations by white people in the United States may be common customs in Native American circles. U.S. citizens, with their easy familiarity, may unwittingly violate boundaries in other more formal countries by practices common within our own borders.

In a recent training session of Goodwill Games volunteers, this heterogeneous group of about 2000 Americans of varied ages and backgrounds was asked to rank a series of values. With few exceptions, honesty, growth, and independence were rated as the top three. At the bottom of the list of 20 values were formality, obedience, and tradition. Many cultures of the world would have reversed the order, placing tradition and formality at the top and honesty and independence at the bottom.

Such basic differences can create a clash of boundaries. An open-faced American rushing in with extended hand and first names violates a culture prizing formal ritual in initial contacts with strangers. We may view the strong Soviet value of community loyalty as a lack of individual independence; Soviets may find our directness rude and boastful. Boundaries, to some extent then, am influenced by the values of the culture in which we live. When we interact with other cultures, it's important to be sensitive to these differences and to remember that each side may unwittingly cross a boundary not from malice but from ignorance.

I Am Not You

Our emotional health is related to the health of our boundaries. When we grow up in a dysfunctional family, learning how to use boundaries is one of the most uncomfortable set of clothes to try on. It threatens our former understanding of survival itself and in that way goes against our very grain. But with time the wardrobe changes. We come to see ourselves as clearly separate from others, yet not too distant, and if our boundaries are intact we have a sense of well-being. Intact, clear boundaries feel good. Healthy boundaries are flexible enough that we can choose what to let in and what, to keep out. We can determine to exclude meanness and hostility and let in affection, kindness, and positive regard.

Where are your boundaries? Do you know? Do you have a sense of your edges, your uniqueness? Are you comfortable within your limits?

Picture Your Boundary

Exercise 1.1

Equipment: twine or string at least 25 feet long

1. In the middle of a room with lots of space, put the twine on the floor so that it makes a circle. Stand in the middle of the circle. Imagine that everything outside the circle is not you. Imagine that everything within the circle is you.

2. Think about what fills up your circle. What do you care about? What do you believe? What do you hate? What do you love? Who are you? What is attractive to you? What repels you? What do you value? What do you think about? What are you really like?

3. A million things make you distinct from everyone else. The more you know about these things, the firmer your self-concept.

Option a. Write the answers to these questions.

Option b. Discuss these questions and their answers with a friend.

Exercise 1.2

Equipment: magazines, large paper grocery bag, tape or glue

• From the magazines, cut or tear pictures or words that describe the external you, the you that is presented to the world.

• Paste or tape the pictures or words on the outside of the bag.

• Inside the bag put the words or pictures that describe your inside self.

• After you're done, compare the words and pictures inside the bag with those outside the bag. Have you described two different people?

• Discuss your discoveries with a friend.

Boundaries Quiz

Exercise 1.3 (Optional) Just for fun, see how much you've learned about boundaries, either here or through living.

I. Multiple Choice. Choose the correct answer.

A. The word boundary, as used today by therapists and recovering people, refers to one's

1. Physical and sexual limits
2. Emotional and spiritual limits
3. Relational limits
4. All of the above

B. The phrase boundary violation indicates

1. That one's limits have been breached
2. That one has expanded his or her frontiers
3. A minor infringement of one's defenses
4. None of the above

C. A boundary violation causes

1. No particular consequence
2. An emotional shock wave
3. No harm to a really strong relationship
4. A problem only to the victim of the violation

D. Boundaries are

1. Usually flexible
2. Usually rigid
3. Impossible to change
4. Different for different people

II. Mark the incidents that are boundary violations.

A. Grandpa takes little Jim fishing. (Jim loves to be with Grandpa.)
B. Esther tells Betty a secret Mary told her.
C. Your therapist invites you to go for coffee.
D. Your boss wants to know details of your personal life.
E. Your boss cries on your shoulder.
F. Your therapist accepts your invitation to go for coffee.
G. Mom tells little Debby about her problems with Dad.
H. Your boss asks if you'd like a hug.
I. Your new neighbor pats you on the bottom as he turns away.
J. Your mother makes a comment about you being overweight.

Answers. I. A. 4.; B. 1.; C. 2.; D. 4. II. Letters A and H are the only incidents that aren't boundary violations.

Copyright © 1991 by Parkside Publishing Corporation

About the Author

Anne Katherine is a certified mental health counselor, speaker, and the author of Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin and Anatomy of a Food Addiction. She lives near Seattle, Washington, where she leads programs for recovery and healing.