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Exhibit A
Too-Busy-to-Have-a-Boyfriend Syndrome

In between climbing the corporate ladder; bonding with your girlfriends; going to the gym; reading this month's book club pick; staying abreast of the hottest TV shows, movies, and diets; and deciding whether or not to cut bangs; there is little time to devote to having an actual boyfriend. They need to be trained, fed, walked, and played with constantly. Just think how well you took care of your lucky bamboo plant — it didn't look so lucky when you forgot to water it and it shriveled up into what looked like a Slim Jim, right?

Exhibit B
Defensive Nondating

This is an uncertain world, where feelings are hurt, hearts are broken, and otherwise savvy chicks are duped into thinking some loser boy really likes them. So eventually you realize (like an Oprah "AHA! moment") that a relationship isn't the easiest thing to obtain, but swearing off boys isn't a viable option either. The result of this epiphany: You refuse to put yourself out there. Instead, you just put out. It may sound slutty, but when you remove the emotional from the physical, you end up making out with a cute boy without the whole "Where is this going?" agony.

Exhibit C
Let's Talk About Text, Baby

Ask yourself this: "How did people hook up without cell phones?" As far as we're concerned, that question is up there with "What happened to Jimmy Hoffa's body?" or "Is Tupac really dead?" Unless you were actually there to experience it firsthand, pre-cell phone hooking up remains an unsolvable mystery that is tainted by outlandish theories. The bottom line is that if we didn't have these instant forms of communication (like text messages and IM), hooking up would be dating because you'd actually have to put more than just minimal effort into making something happen.

In case you didn't get the memo, here's the communication breakdown:

• Text messaging is the new phone call.

• IM is the new face-to-face conversation.

• Caller ID is the new *69.

WARNING: Even though cell phones are a surefire path to hooking up, they are not foolproof, because his caller ID will pretty much give you away every time. Just remember this motto: Straight to voice mail, you're in luck; if it rings even once, you're totally fucked.

Exhibit D
Alcohol, the Not-So-Secret Ingredient in a Hookup

We all know the basics about drinking: It can make you lose your inhibitions, your money, and your standards. So it's no surprise that brews and bubbly are huge players in the hookup game. Here are some other reasons why "drunken" and "hookup" are often uttered together in the same sentence:

• Because grande skim extra foam cappuccinos rarely put people in the mood to get it on

• Because it's kind of awkward to suddenly start making out with a friend of a friend of a friend unless you've been drinking

• Because juicy hookup stories rarely begin with, "So I was completely sober and..."

• Because otherwise you might care that the guy you're making out with has a lisp

• Because how else can you explain the eighteen missed calls on his cell phone from 1:32 A.M. to 2:46 A.M.?

• Because booze makes him hotter, taller, and smarter

• Because there's a reason they don't call it "sad hour"

• Because a kiss is just a kiss, but a drunken kiss is entertainment for all of your friends

Based on the impact that the above four factors have had on opposite-sex interaction, it seems to us that dating has evolved from an ancient mating dance into a down-and-dirty booty shake. We call it Relationship Darwinism: Only the strong survive, and in this case, the strong heartily hook up.

Now that you're armed with the facts, we present you with The Hookup Handbook. We hope you will find it delicious, informative, and hilarious. After all, this isn't about following a set of rules to find a husband, cutting carbs to whittle down your waist, or donning a tiara and proclaiming that you're the reigning princess of your studio apartment. This is about what single girls are doing right now. And right now, we'd like you to buy us another round.

Pop Quiz
What's Your Hookup Style?

We know you needed a Kaplan class to get you through the SATs, but fear not: There are no wrong answers here.

1. I hook up:

a.  every once in a while. Who doesn't?
b.  my DVD player to my TV.
c.  only on days that end in "y."

2. I wear thongs:

a.  on my feet.
b.  when I don't want visible panty lines.
c.  when I'm lucky enough to find them on the floor the next morning.

3. My longest relationship lasted for:

a.  six months.
b.  six years.
c.  six beers.

4. True or false: Drink till he's cute.

5. If variety is the spice of life, then my romantic life is:

a.  curry.
b.  white rice.
c.  wasabi smeared onto a paper cut.

6. True or false: Manolo Blahniks.

7. The morning after a wild night on the town, I wake up:

a.  with my pjs on, alone in my own bed.
b.  with a massive hangover.
c.  with a massively well-hung man.

8. Boys:

a.  lie.
b.  Can't live with them, can't live without them.
c.  need to take a number if they want to get into my bedroom.

9. The song title that best describes my social life is:

a.  "Let's Get Drunk and Screw," Jimmy Buffett
b.  "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," Cyndi Lauper
c.  "All By Myself," Celine Dion

10. True or False: Happy hour.

11. Complete the following analogy: Me : Monogamy

a.  J.Lo : Marriage
b.  Britney Spears : Virginity

Answer Key:

1.    A: 2;    B: 1;    C: 3
2.    A: 1;    B: 2;    C: 3
3.    A: 1;    B: 2;    C: 3
4.    True: 3;    false: 1
5.    A: 2;    B: 1;    C: 3
6.    True: 3;    false: 1
7.    A: 1;    B: 2;    C: 3
8.    A: 1;    B: 2;    C: 3
9.    A: 3;    B: 2;    C: 1
10.    True: 3;    false: 1
11.    A:1;    B: 3

If you scored:

11 to 15   Bootyphobic: The Once-in-a-Blue-Moon Hookup Artist

You do hook up — as often as February has twenty-nine days or solar eclipses darken the midday sky. In order to irrigate your romantic desert, you need to break your standing date with the remote control and live a little! You're young, you're single, and you're fabulous. A little make-out session here and there never hurt anyone.

16 to 25   Bootylicious: The Healthy Hookup

You are a healthy, normal girl. You kick back, relax, have fun, and every once in a while, hook up. Don't change a thing. You'll do fine.

26 to 33   Bootymonster: The Hookup-a-holic

Stop in the name of love... and STDs... and liver damage. We could go on and on, but we are writing this under a deadline. You are a science project gone crazy — a hormone-driven, alcohol-fueled queen of random sexual encounters. Part of us wants you to stop, but the other part wants you to keep doing what you're doing. Obviously, you have a lot of friends who are enjoying the free entertainment you provide. And who are we to deprive them of that?

Text copyright © 2005 by Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler
Illustrations copyright © 2005 by Cindy Luu

Tags: Dating For Women

About the Author

Jessica Rozler has joined forces with Johns Hopkins University to develop a Breathalyzer-activated cell phone that will eradicate drunk dialing as we know it. She works in book publishing and lives in New York City. This is her first book.

About the Author

Jessica Rozler has joined forces with Johns Hopkins University to develop a Breathalyzer-activated cell phone that will eradicate drunk dialing as we know it. She works in book publishing and lives in New York City. This is her first book.