Trying to Get Pregnant

Breathe: A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy
by Mason Brown

(Page 2 of 2)

Getting pregnant doesn't just happen. You have to work at it (unless you're dating an unwed teen, in which case pregnancy can occur via contact with a doorknob).

Amazingly enough, science has proved beyond doubt that the odds of conception are inversely proportional to the desirability of conception. A simple graph renders this concept easy to grasp.

This immutable law of nature results in a curious corollary — the more financially successful a couple is, the more likely they are "trying" to have a baby. "Trying to have a baby" is a euphemism for "rogering like feral weasels," which is in turn a euphemism for "having sex often."

Some couples proudly announce that they are trying to have a baby without realizing that they are presenting an unsavory visual picture to their audience, who immediately conjure up the image of the naked wife doing a headstand while her husband cheers his mighty swimmers onward. More often than not, this visual image is uncannily accurate.

Still others try to conceal their efforts, feeling that failure to conceive reflects badly on themselves. Unfortunately for these shy souls, it is all too easy to tell when a couple is really making an effort. In such cases, one or more of the following symptoms will appear:

FOR THE MAN

• Drowsiness
• Irritability
• Heightened desire to watch SportsCenter

FOR THE WOMAN

• Normal post-coital glow replaced by grim attitude of soldier in the trenches
• Constant concern over husband's choice of briefs rather than boxers
• Neck strain from standing on her head after sex

Obviously, if a couple would really, truly make good parents, then all efforts to conceive are rendered futile. Nature abhors functional families. So, if you really want your wife to get pregnant, forget fertility clinics — institute divorce proceedings. Just remember to have one last drunken, abusive fling before separating. You'll be a daddy in no time.

Improving Your Chances of Conception

Of course, you may wish to have kids and yet not want to turn into an abusive drunk. That's okay. Just remember, it may take a little more effort to succeed. But don't give up hope. There are a variety of methods guaranteed to improve your chances of becoming a father.

LOWERING TESTICULAR TEMPERATURE

A high testicular temperature lowers a man's sperm count. Women who wish to get pregnant often become obsessed with this peculiar fact. It is the one pregnancy variable that they can control, so they'll be damned if your testicles aren't frosty cold. While amusing at first, their concern soon becomes annoying at best and downright unpleasant at worst. More than one prospective father has woken up on a hot summer evening only to find his wife trying to surreptitiously slip his testicles into a jug of ice water.

Many couples go through a boxers vs. briefs argument, eventually surmising that boxers let more air circulate about the testes. Some women go so far as to insist on mesh boxers, available only in gay specialty stores. The ideal male undergarment, from the prospective mother's point of view, would be a finely calibrated thermo-regulatory device fashioned out of readily available household items.

The best response is to make your wife's obsession work for you. Properly handled, your testicles can provide you with a variety of pleasing benefits:

• You no longer have to do yard work. It's hot out there. Imagine the furnace that would be your nutsack if you should have to mow the lawn.

• What better way to keep cool than with a constant supply of frosty beverages? But God forbid your testicles get overheated while running for refreshment. Let the wife do it.

• Exercise??? Are you mad??? Why not just shoot my unborn child right now???

IN VITRO FERTILIZATION

Not all sperm are strong swimmers. But just because you're shooting little minnows instead of mighty salmon, don't think that your boys can't make it upstream. Heck no! Doctors can take a sample of your sperm, extract an egg from your wife, and ensure that they get together by swishing them around in a test tube. Then, they can implant the fertilized egg in the womb.

The extraction and implantation of the egg is a painful and complicated procedure. But guess what? It doesn't concern you. That's her problem. What you do have to worry about is the collection of your sperm sample.

The typical collection process consists of a nurse leading you to a room (the "masturbatorium") and handing you a cup. You are meant to emerge several minutes later and depart unobtrusively. But it doesn't have to be so clinical. I mean, when else are you going to be encouraged to masturbate in a doctor's office in the middle of the day. Take your time. Enjoy yourself.

In fact, most fertility doctors keep a small stock of adult magazines and videos for men who are having trouble. Make sure you are one of these men. Insist that you see their entire library. Ask for deviant marital aids (leather chaps, vacuum pumps, vibrating nipple clamps, etc. — heck, make them work). Milk it for all it's worth. Who knows, if you're really struggling, they might even send in the head nurse. The most amazing part? Your wife will congratulate you when you're done!

WONDER DRUGS

Fertility "wonder" drugs stimulate the release of extra eggs during a woman's cycle, thereby increasing the chances that sperm will reach at least one of the eggs. If multiple eggs are fertilized, this in turn increases the odds of successful implantation onto the uterine wall. Of course, if everything works out perfectly, multiple fertilized eggs may successfully implant themselves.

Indeed, thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, septup-lets are now a reality. Why not go for the record? Administer as many fertility pills as possible. If you hit octuplets, diaper companies will probably throw in free Huggies for the first year. Of course, if you only have quadruplets, then you are on the hook for a fortune.

SURROGATE MOTHERS

Surrogate mothers are an option if (a) your wife has medical reasons preventing her from giving birth, or (b) your wife decides to simply rent a womb instead of going through the painful process herself.

Even in our current free market economy, however, option (a) is usually the only one permitted by law. Also, women who want a surrogate mother just for the sake of convenience also tend to want nannies to rear their child for them, because looking after a kid is hard work. In other words, these women are thinking just like men. Pretty much would make you a gay fellow if you were married to an option (b) woman, wouldn't it?

But assuming your wife needs a surrogate mother for reasons unrelated to her career goals, then by all means think about it. Just don't get too excited. You don't get to have sex with the surrogate mother. It's the same old "go into a cup" routine as in vitro fertilization.

Let's dispel a few common myths about surrogacy:

• It's not cheap. Typically a surrogate mother costs at least twenty thousand dollars or more.

• Surrogate mothers do not invariably end up suing for custody of the children. (Key word: "invariably.")

• Surrogate mothers are not all kinky Swedish babes who want to insinuate themselves into your marriage.

• The woman you are having an affair with is not a surrogate mother.

• Crack whores do NOT make good surrogate mothers.

• If a strange man offers to fellate you at the Walt Whitman rest stop off the New Jersey Turnpike and you accept, that's not surrogacy. It's anonymous gay sex.

• Despite the scientific-sounding name, if your wife hires a "surrogate father," that still makes you a cuckold.

BREEDING AN ARMY OF CLONES

Combine wonder drugs, in vitro fertilization, and surrogate mothers and what do you get? Well, if the idea of breeding an army of clones doesn't leap out at you, then you'll never rule the world thanks to twisted genetic experiments gone horribly awry. The math is really very simple. Figure twenty thousand dollars per surrogate mother, each of whom bears seven bio-engineered clones. For a mere 1 million dollars, you are well on your way to a full battalion of 350 identical super soldiers! The old saying certainly is true: "There has never been a better time in the world to be a demented scientist filled with insane hubris."

ADOPTION

The only surefire way to have a kid is to adopt. But even that can take too long. If you want a kid right away, then you'll need to go through the black market. While you might be appalled at the idea of buying a child at first, you'll soon find that so-called white slaver's prices can be quite reasonable.

If you can't afford the money but still want to get a top quality baby, don't despair. With the proper planning and a little bit of luck, there are still plenty of ways to become an adoptive parent. Just keep your eyes open. Good sources of babies include:

• Ladies' rooms at high school proms
• Cars getting rolled into lakes
• Internet chat rooms
• Milk cartons (finders, keepers!)
• The reeds along the banks of the River Nile

Copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown

About the Author

Mason Brown is a managing editor at NationalLampoon.com. He is also the author of the bestselling business humor book Who Cut the Cheese? He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, his three-year-old son, "the boy," and a one-year-old daughter, "the girl."