|
| Home | Forum | Search |
| eNotAlone > Parenting and Families > Fatherhood |
Breathe: A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy FINALLY, A BOOK FOR GUYS THAT SOLVES Do you think that newborn babies can eat Doritos? That they can't scream very loudly since they just have tiny little baby lungs? That you will still be able to golf on weekends after your baby is born? If so, you need this book! Breathe takes guys misstep-by-misstep through the stages of pregnancy and the early days of childhood. Considered by many to be the unofficial pregnancy handbook of the NBA, Breathe is filled with useful tips such as these: BROWN'S FIRST LAW OF CONCEPTION: The odds of conception are inversely proportional to its desirability. High school virgins experimenting behind bleachers are guaranteed to get pregnant; financially secure married men hoping for children are doomed to spend their weekends in fertility clinics masturbating into cups. | ||||||||
PICKING A DOCTOR: Never use a gynecologist whose Medical School Diploma has palm trees on the side. PRE-NATAL MUSIC: Mozart, yes. Wagner, No! COMMON CONCERNS: If your baby is born with dark hair that covers its head, back, neck, temples and forehead, don't panic. This is perfectly normal. It just means your baby was born Italian. Child experts from all over the world agree — if you're a first time father, drop your baby and pick up this book! Chapter 1 Unlike marriage, fatherhood is not something to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly. You must understand the full range of responsibilities and duties it entails. Having a baby is a full-time job. You've got to feed it, clothe it, shelter it. I mean, man, that's a lot of hassle. So before you embark on fatherhood, make a list of reasons why you want to have a child. Compare your reasons with the following list: GOOD REASONS TO BECOME A DAD
BAD REASONS TO BECOME A DAD
Still think you're ready? Many high schools require their sex-ed students to care for a plastic doll for two weeks in order to help illustrate the full-time nature of parenting. Why don't you try it? If your "test" baby looks like this, then maybe you should hold off on having children — at least for a little while. If, however, you passed the baby doll test (or, more likely, figured, "Who the hell has time to drag around a stupid plastic doll?" and decided not to bother), you might still want to test your "Fatherhood Aptitude" by taking the following test. Use a number 2 pencil. 30 minutes The Fatherhood Aptitude Test Multiple Choice 1. The best way to calm a crying baby is to:
2. An appropriate baby-sitter is:
3. Which of the following is an acceptable toy for a baby?
4. Which of the following best describes your reasons for wanting to become a father?
5. Why do you think you'd make a good father?
6. Your wife wants to start trying to have a baby. She's charted her temperature, and knows that she's been ovulating on a twenty-nine-day cycle. If today is March 10, and her temperature last peaked five days ago, when is the best time to try to conceive?
7. Baby : Beer ::
8. You hope that your first child is:
9. The young father picked up his newborn baby with ______ in his eyes and gently _______.
10. By the end of its second month, a baby should be able to:
11. goo goo : ga ga ::
12. Four babies are getting weighed in the maternity ward. Your baby, R, weighs more than V. T weighs less than R. S weighs more than V but less than T. Which of the following is the correct lineup of babies from smallest to biggest?
True or False? 1. Babies can eat Doritos.
2. Babies can be left unattended if you are pretty darn sure you will return by the end of the hour.
3. Babies can't scream very loudly since they just have tiny, little baby lungs.
4. Once you have a baby, you will have more free time since there will be extra hands around the house.
5. Baby fat insulates babies from all but the coldest arctic conditions.
6. You will still be able to golf on weekends after the baby is born.
7. Most pregnant women look like Hunter Tylo.
8. I plan on videotaping the birth and then showing it to friends.
9. I was born a rambling man.
10. Someday, I would like to appear on the Jerry Springer Show.
11. Lamaze breathing techniques could also be useful when I'm on the can.
12. Whenever you mention that you'd like to have a large family of, say, five kids, your wife anxiously eyes the bathtub.
Short Essay: What does commitment mean to you? Stop!! If you have finished before the time allotted, you may go over any questions in this section. Then place your answer sheet facedown in front of you with your pencil on top. Do not go on to any additional sections. Do not run screaming out the door to a seedy singles bar for casual, anonymous sexual encounters. Scoring If you answered any of the questions, you pass. And if by some miracle of nature you actually tried to write an essay, then you've got definite fatherhood potential (unless you wrote "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" over and over again, in which case don't go on any vacations in the north woods with your family). Note: If you answered "c" to any of the multiple choice questions, or "True" to any of the True/False questions, then beware! You are a moron. Of course, that alone does not disqualify you from fatherhood in any way.
Copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown About the Author Mason Brown is a managing editor at NationalLampoon.com. He is also the author of the bestselling business humor book Who Cut the Cheese? He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, his three-year-old son, "the boy," and a one-year-old daughter, "the girl." More by Mason Brown |
| |||||||
|
© Copyright 2000-2006 eNotalone.com Inc. All rights reserved | ||||||||
