If You Have A Sexual Partner ...

Becoming Orgasmic : A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women
by Julia R. Heiman, Ph.D., Joseph LoPiccolo, Ph.D.

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Because a sexual relationship involves two people, the sexual responsiveness of your partner can influence your own responsiveness. (Given the focus of our clinical experience and research, we will discuss only the issues pertaining to heterosexual couples.)

If your partner has difficulties getting or maintaining an erection, or ejaculates before you have sufficient time to get aroused, this can directly influence whether or not you are orgasmic. If these problems are a common part of your sexual experiences together, you should consider getting some additional sex therapy in order to work on them (see chapter 14). However, you can progress through the first part of this book (chapters 1-8) on your own.

If male functioning is not a problem, you are probably wondering about how to integrate the learning experiences you will be having on your own into your sexual relationship with your partner. There are several ways in which others have done this that we'd like to offer you. Both of you should think and talk about these alternatives and make a decision about which ones you feel would work for you.

First, a general way in which some couples have shared this growth experience is that the male partner read through and tried some of the exercises on his own. For example, exercises on body exploration, thinking about feelings and attitudes, and self-pleasuring could be done by him, too. Often men are surprised to find that they have something to gain from such exploration.

In our sex therapy work with couples in the last few years, we have routinely asked the male partners to participate in the program in this way. While this active participation by the partner does seem to be helpful in many cases, it is not crucial. If your partner is not interested in participating actively, don't insist on it. A good discussion with him about the issues involved in your sexual growth, and his support of this growth, are the most important aspects of his participation. Going through a process similar to what his partner is going through often enables a man to be more understanding and supportive of her. Some men, however, have trouble being sympathetic, since to them it doesn't seem difficult to have orgasms. Whether or not your partner makes an effort to understand your attempts to change, we would like to caution him not to interfere, not to be critical, and not to try to direct or advise you himself. Some reassurance from him will make changes easier, but his help is not essential for you to make some progress on your own. Later, when you try these sexual activities together, his cooperation will be vital.

In terms of your sexual activities together, one possibility is for you to continue having sex with your partner as you've done in the past, while you individually progress through the growth program. This usually works best for couples whose sex life is enjoyable for both of them and who have no major sexual problems except for the woman's difficulty in experiencing orgasm. For some couples, though, feelings of frustration and pressure to have orgasm have disrupted or replaced feelings of pleasure in sex. When this happens, one or both partners may find sex unpleasant and try to avoid it or get it over with as soon as possible. These feelings are understandable. However, continuing unpleasant sexual activity while you are involved in learning to become orgasmic can interfere with your progress. This makes sense if you think about any new way of feeling or behaving. At these times, in order to feel motivated and encouraged to keep changing, you need a chance to have many good, positive experiences, with no constant reminders of unpleasant old habits.

Try to evaluate how the continuation of sexual activity with your partner will affect your ability to make progress sexually through this growth program. Ask yourself about the quality of your sexual experiences together. Are they mostly positive and enjoyable, or are they negative and unpleasant for you? Will you feel pressured to have an orgasm or to give your partner an orgasm during lovemaking sessions? Are you tempted to continue sex with your partner because you're worried about how he would feel about not having sex (including intercourse) for a while?

Both of you need to consider your feelings about this latter possibility. Discontinuing old sexual patterns that have been harmful or unpleasant is the second alternative that has worked for some couples. In most sex therapy clinics, couples are usually asked to refrain from intercourse for a while so that new sexual attitudes and experiences can be explored. "Banning" such sexual activities as intercourse does not have to mean you can't be physical with your partner. Rather, through a series of sensual massage experiences, you can begin to rediscover the enjoyment of sexual expression or feelings without pressure to have intercourse. We shall describe the kinds of sensual activities that you can do a little later in this chapter. For now, we would just like you to consider this as a possibility.

Leaving intercourse out of sex can be a new experience. For many couples, making love has always meant intercourse and, at least for the male, orgasm. Not expecting or demanding this allows you to explore a fuller range of sensual pleasures that can be neglected in the "rush" to go on to intercourse and orgasm. This pattern can be destructive to your sexual enjoyment because you become focused on where you are going rather than on the pleasure of each moment. It's not surprising that couples who have been in a sexual relationship more than a few years often complain that sex between them was better earlier in their relationship. The fact that some of the novelty may have worn off is usually only part of the difference. There is also a tendency for couples to stop doing some of the enjoyable sexual things they used to do together. In the beginning of their relationship, many couples spend more time on sexual play than on intercourse. Once married, when "real" sex is okay, making love can easily become a pattern of hurried foreplay, quick intercourse, and ejaculation. The pleasures of touching, kissing, caressing, and fondling each other somehow get forgotten. Restricting or refraining from intercourse is one way to allow yourselves time to rediscover each other through the sensual experiences.

Yet the idea of not having intercourse, or of not having your male partner have an orgasm in your sexual activities together, may seem impossible right now. The difficulties most couples encounter are in trying to deal with the man's feelings of sexual frustration and the woman's feelings of guilt. Over time, many women who are seldom or never orgasmic find that they do enjoy feeling close and participating in their partner's pleasure during intercourse. By not having intercourse, especially for several weeks, you may feel bad about not responding in this way. Think about your own feelings, and talk with your partner to find out his feelings and attitudes. During your sensual experiences together, we stress the importance of not trying to get sexually aroused. At times, however, your partner may become aroused, want to go on to intercourse, and find it frustrating not to be able to do so.

There are several things you can do if this situation occurs. Some men are able to adjust to the idea of no intercourse. They know that it's temporary, and they understand that in the long run it will be the most beneficial way for their partner to make her own sexual progress and for their sexual life together to improve. Other men find that they feel less frustrated if they have a physical outlet, such as masturbation. Since couples often have conflicting feelings about masturbation, we'd like to spend a few minutes talking about it. Although much of the discussion applies to both partners, for now we are concentrating on the male, since in later chapters we will discuss further issues related to women.

Almost all males and a majority of females masturbate at some time during their lives. Typically, males masturbate more frequently during their teens and prior to marriage, but a fairly large percentage of men continue to masturbate after marriage. Although we are all familiar with the tales of the ill effects of masturbation, we now know that masturbation is a normal and healthy pattern of sexual expression. In fact, research has shown masturbation to be beneficial to adequate sexual functioning, especially among women (more on this later). Unfortunately, most men and women grow up feeling very guilty and ashamed that they masturbate. It was something that was hidden from parents and usually from friends, too, for fear that it would be punished or ridiculed by others. If you, and here we are speaking to the male partner, still have some negative feelings about masturbation, it is not surprising. Or if you have been masturbating and don't feel bad about it but find it difficult to mention to your partner, that's not unusual either. Sharing your thoughts about masturbation may be easier after you finish this chapter, since we will give you a framework of ideas to think over. For now, what we are most interested in having you consider are the benefits of masturbation for you while your partner is progressing through her own sexual learning experiences.

1. The freedom to masturbate when you feel the desire to do so will allow you to enjoy your pleasuring sessions with your partner without feeling physically frustrated and emotionally resentful.

2. Your willingness to find some sexual pleasure and release by masturbating will tend to take pressure off your partner. She will not have to feel guilty about not having intercourse, since you are trying to cooperate in improving her chances of making changes. If you want to help her change, it is only going to be possible if you take a share in reducing any pressures she feels. Worries about pleasing you will keep your partner from focusing on and really enjoying her own pleasurable feelings. Being able to do this is crucial for a woman who is learning to become orgasmic.

3. Not having to focus on arousal and orgasm takes pressure off you also. Rather than trying to "give" your partner an orgasm and have one yourself, you are free simply to enjoy what you're feeling. We suspect that you will discover some new information about your sexuality, too. We have seen many men surprise themselves in learning that a sensual experience without intercourse or orgasm can be very satisfying and enjoyable.

Sometimes one partner interprets the other's masturbation as a rejection or as an indication that their sexual relationship is a failure. If you, the woman, feel this way, it will make it hard for you to help your partner deal with his sexual needs and feelings. You may give a mixed message to your partner: He should not have to feel frustrated by not having intercourse, but at the same time, you are leaving him no alternative ways to achieve physical pleasure. In trying to work out this conflict, it will be important for you to talk over your own feelings with your partner. In turn, he could make an effort to reassure you that masturbating is a positive expression of his sexuality rather than a negative reflection on your relationship. How do you both feel about this? You both may have to rethink some of your own attitudes about different patterns of sexuality. Whatever you work out, keep in mind that a solution should maximize satisfaction and freedom to learn new patterns for both of you. That will probably involve some compromises and understanding on both sides.

Remember, too, that the male partner does not have to masturbate, particularly if he doesn't want to, in order to decrease physical arousal. Instead, he may be able to adjust temporarily and without frustration to moments of sexual tension. We have seen this happen with men who are able to accept the situation (since it is temporary) and who simultaneously derive a great deal of pleasure from their sensual experiences with their partners.

There is a third option for sexual activity while the woman is progressing through this program, but again, it is one that needs to be discussed fully between the two of you. This third option is for the woman to give sexual gratification to the man, without (temporarily) the requirement that she also be aroused and gratified sexually. This option works best when the man finds solitary masturbation unsatisfying and the woman genuinely enjoys bringing the man to orgasm, provided she is not also pressured to become aroused and orgasmic herself. If this pattern describes your relationship, your couple sessions might involve mutual kissing, caressing, and body massage and the woman then caressing the man's genitals to orgasm. While this pattern can work to reduce pressure for intercourse from the male, it can interfere with the woman's progress unless she finds the experience of providing orgasm for the man to be a pleasurable form of giving. Certainly, if she feels coerced to provide this gratification for him, growth in her ability to enjoy sex for herself will be disrupted.

Here are three alternative patterns you might decide on as you proceed:

1. Continue sexual experiences as before. This option should be chosen only if the sexual experiences are comfortable and pleasurable for both partners.

2. Discontinue intercourse temporarily, or any activity that is uncomfortable or unpleasant for either partner.

3. Discontinue intercourse, any unpleasant activities, and the pressure for the woman to be aroused and orgasmic. Under this option, however, the woman continues to give pleasure sexually to the man.

A fourth pattern combines these three. In other words, if what you do together sexually is not unpleasant for either of you but is generally enjoyable, you may choose to continue this during the first part (chapters 2-8) of this growth program. That will involve anywhere from one to nine weeks or so. When you are ready to begin the part of the book that involves both of you, you should then refrain from intercourse and follow the sequence of exercises described in chapters 9-13. You will also be able to include some of the sensual massage experiences.

An important consideration when including intercourse in your sexual experiences together is whether or not to use a contraceptive. This, of course, is a personal decision, one that should take into account your feelings as well as current medical knowledge about the effectiveness and the potential drawbacks and dangers of the different forms of contraception (see The New Our Bodies Ourselves in the bibliography).

If you are premenopausal and don't use contraception, there is a possibility that fears of becoming pregnant will interfere with your enjoyment of sex. If you feel this may be true for you, you need to reevaluate your feelings about contraception, unless strong personal or religious beliefs prevent you from considering it. If you do use contraception, it is best to use a method that you feel comfortable with and that best meets your physical needs.

Copyright ©l 1976, 1988 by Prentice Hall Press, a Division of Simon & Schuster Inc.

About the Author

Julia R. Heiman, Ph.D., is an associate professor at the University of Washington Medical School.

Joseph LoPiccolo, Ph.D., is professor and chairman of the psychology department at the University of Missouri.