The Walkaway-Wife Syndrome

The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
by Michele Weiner Davis

(Page 5 of 5)

Although divorce offers the illusion of happiness to people of all ages, races, and personality types, there is one group that is particularly susceptible to the sound of the divorce siren. It's women. Approximately two thirds of the divorces in our country are filed for by women. What's going on here? Why are so many women throwing in the towel?

In the early years of marriage, women are usually the primary caretakers of the relationship. They're the ones who are doing a daily temperature check: "Have we had enough closeness today?" "Are we spending enough time together?" "Do we feel connected emotionally?" If the answer to these questions is, "Yes," life goes on. If not, women press for more closeness. They tell their husbands, "You don't value our relationship anymore." "We never do anything together." "Why do you always put work ahead of me?" Often, instead of recognizing their wives' needs, men simply feel as though they are being nagged and withdraw, emotionally and sometimes physically.

Because of this lack of response or even hostility, women become frustrated. They try another approach: complaining about their partners' lack of involvement about everything else in their lives. "I feel like a single parent." "You are such a couch potato." "Why don't you ever lift a finger around the house? I do everything myself." Although they are still only trying to get their spouses' attention, men recoil big time. (I've never met a man who moves closer to his wife as a result of being "nagged," no matter what his wife's intentions!) After months or years of negative interaction, women finally give up. They tell themselves, "I've tried everything. Divorce has got to be better than this. I'll find somebody who cares about me. Even if I don't, I'm so alone in this marriage, I can't take it anymore. I know I'll be happier without him." And with that, they plan their escape.

The interesting thing about this plan is that it usually hinges on a particular event that may take years to materialize. For example, "I'll leave my husband when the kids leave home," or "I'll get a divorce when I go back to school and learn new skills so I can support myself," or "I'm going to meet another man and as soon as I do, I will be out of here." And now comes the tricky part.

In the months or years that follow her decision, the wife is no longer trying to fix the marriage. She stops complaining. To her, this surrender to the inevitable is definitely a bad thing. To him, well, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out what the husband thinks. He's thrilled! She's off his back. She must be happy again, or so he thinks and he proceeds with business as usual. Business as usual, that is, until "D Day" — the day his wife turns to him and says, "I want a divorce," to which her absolutely devastated husband replies, "I had no idea you were unhappy! Why didn't you tell me?" With that response, the marital coffin is nailed shut.

The tragedy of this situation is that this is the point at which most men finally understand the depth of their wives' unhappiness. They are finally ready to do the kind of soul-searching that would make having a great marriage possible. They are willing to do back flips to keep their marriages/families together. But by that time, most women have built a wall around themselves, one that is impervious to men's efforts to change. It's divorce, full speed ahead.

I'm convinced if more women knew the truth about divorce, they might not be so quick to dismiss their husband's offers to become better people and partners. They might actually stick around long enough to find out that their husbands really mean what they say about changing.

The Anytime Midlife Crisis

Don't get me wrong. Men are lured by the divorce trap too. They are fooled into believing that life would be better if only they were single, had more and better sex, more adoration, fewer responsibilities and obligations, more nights out with the guys, and less nagging. Many otherwise sane, moral, responsible men wake up one morning and scrutinize their lives. They feel something is missing. They're not happy. In fact, they're downright depressed and withdrawn. Sometimes there's just a gnawing sense that something is wrong and a growing urgency to do something about it. And though they really aren't sure what's ailing them, they convince themselves they need to leave their marriages to find out.

Other times, men think they know what's at the root of their unhappiness. "I hate all this responsibility. Life is short, I don't want to feel so burdened all the time." "I got married for the wrong reasons — she was pregnant, we were too young, I was desperate to get out of my house, I felt pressured by her." "She's always so rejecting and critical. I want to find someone who appreciates me." "Our sex life has been nonexistent, I don't want to live like this anymore." "My father died a few months ago and it made me realize that I don't want to be in a marriage where there is conflict."

Perhaps these rationales sound familiar. Can you say midlife crisis? If a man is between forty and fifty, and he's developed a recent interest in working out, eating healthfully, buying new clothes, and has been eyeing that proverbial red convertible (or some other, less expensive boy toy) you can suspect a midlife crisis. And you may be right! But it's been my experience that men can have what's been termed a "midlife" crisis at almost any time in their lives. In fact, even men in their twenties have been known to feel despondent about their lot in life and start fantasizing about greener pastures. Although they don't have balding heads, expanding waistlines, and wrinkles, these younger men are, nonetheless, acutely aware of the happiness clock ticking speedily away. Rather than confront or fix what's wrong in their lives or in their marriages, many of these men try to free themselves from their depression and anxiety by picking up and leaving.

Wives of these men try to talk sense into them. They give them books about midlife crises. They cut out magazine articles and leave them around the house. They recruit friends to talk to their husbands. They pull out wedding pictures to jar memories of happier times. When that doesn't work, they urge their husbands to see a therapist about depression. They suggest Prozac or St.-John's-wort. They leave pamphlets about clinical depression strewn on desks or beside toilet seats. But alas, none of these desperate attempts to defog their divorce-prone men seems to make a dent; in fact, the urge to escape becomes even stronger.

Beating the Odds

If reading about the pervasiveness of the divorce trap has made you pessimistic or overwhelmed, don't be. I've got some good news for you. No matter how rough your situation might be, you can beat the odds! You really can. I've helped thousands of people teetering on the marital edge reverse the momentum to make their marriages more loving. I can say with confidence that you can save your xmarriage! In fact, the reason I am writing this book is to show you in a step-by-step fashion precisely how to do that.

If you're someone who is considering divorce, I want to congratulate you for even reading this far. It's tempting to avoid anything that challenges your thoughts about leaving. You just want to get on with your life. And now, you've got some marriage therapist who doesn't know you from a hole in the wall warning you to abandon your last hope for happiness. But still, you're reading. For this, I give you a world of credit. You must have a gnawing sense that divorce might not be the answer for you.

If you are considering divorce, I want you to know that I agree with you if you think that life is too short to be miserable. I am not suggesting you stay in an unhappy marriage and resign yourself to loneliness and misery. But in recent years, we've learned a ton about why some couples are able to keep their love alive while others aren't. And it all boils down to one thing — relationship skills. How you handle conflict, how you communicate, how you problem-solve — all determine how strong or fragile your love bond will be.

Unfortunately, most of us never learned these skills from our parents. So how in the world should we know what to do when things get rocky? If your partner hasn't been loving, affectionate, or communicative, it's probably because s/he doesn't know how. If you've been unsuccessful in getting through to your spouse and getting more love in your life, it's not because your spouse is a bad person, it's just because you need better tools to reach him/her. And that's easy. I can teach you new skills to make your marriage the marriage you've always wanted. All you need to do is to approach this book with half an open mind (maybe even a quarter of an open mind) and put my techniques into practice — I'll do the rest of the work.

Maybe you are saying to yourself, "I've tried everything, why should I invest myself only to be disappointed again?" I'm telling you, you haven't tried everything. And I'm not suggesting that you totally give up any thought of going your separate ways. All I'm suggesting is that you agree to give the methods in this book a few weeks or months to work. Then decide. You can always get divorced. But give your marriage the last try it really deserves. You'll sleep better at night if you do.

Or perhaps you are reading this because a divorce is the last thing on earth that you want. In the pages that follow, I am going to spell out for you exactly what you need to do to reverse the downward spiral in your marriage. I will share with you everything I know about saving marriages from the brink of divorce. If you follow the seven-step program in this book carefully, it will be just as if you are in my office with me. You'll learn what you need to do to turn things around, how to evaluate your partner's responses and reactions, and what to do next. I will give you lots of examples of people who were in your shoes and how they rejuvenated their love. I will offer you the building blocks for change. But I'm going to be completely honest with you.

First, you, not your spouse, are going to have to do the lion's share of the work here. Because your spouse is skeptical, at best, you are the one who is going to have to prove that life together can be different. You may not like the fact that this feels so one-sided, but for now, I say, "That's too bad." That's just how it is. Get used to this idea, swallow your pride, and push up your sleeves.

Second, in Divorce Busting, I gave people the impression that change could happen overnight. It can and sometimes does. But thanks to the feedback I've gotten from readers and clients, I now know that it usually doesn't. It probably took years for your marriage to reach this point and repairing the damage will take time. If you are an impatient person by nature — when you want something, you want it now — you are going to have to work on yourself to slow down. I can offer you some tips about keeping calm when things seem at a standstill, but in this case, patience is more than a virtue, it's a necessity.

Finally, there are no guarantees. Sometimes, you can seven-step until the cows come home and it might not save your marriage. But I can tell you that unless you follow the steps in this book, you will never know for sure whether or not your marriage could have been saved. Right now, you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. People who followed the Divorce Remedy program felt better about themselves and more optimistic in general, no matter what.

Having said all that, I want you to know that if I didn't believe your marriage could be saved, I wouldn't have wasted my time writing this book. If we can put men on the moon, eliminate life-threatening diseases, develop a vast network of worldwide communication, surely we can figure out a way to keep love alive. I believe I know how and when you're done with this book, you will too.

In the next section of the book, I am going to take you by the hand and lead you through the seven steps you'll need to take to save your marriage. In "Start with a Beginner's Mind," I will help you free yourself from the change-defeating kind of thinking that plagues all of us from time to time and replace it with new ideas.

In "Know What You Want," I will help you identify your marriage-saving goals. Although you may think you already know what they are, you haven't been specific enough. I will help you make your goals crystal clear.

In "Ask for What You Want," I will encourage you to approach your spouse with your goals and I will suggest strategies to use if your spouse isn't as receptive as you would like.

In "Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels," I will help you figure out which strategies you've been using that have been backfiring and help you redirect your energies to doing things that produce the results you want.

In "Experiment and Monitor Results," I will teach you field-tested techniques for getting through to the spouse you love. I will help you become more systematic and learn how to "read the results" after you've tried something new. By the time you put step five into practice, you will have a much higher marriage-saving IQ.

In "Take Stock," I will ask you to stand back for a moment and evaluate how much progress you've made since you've started the program. Once you're clearer about how far you've come, you'll know exactly what you need to do to reach your goals.

In "Keeping the Positive Changes Going," I will teach you how to make your changes permanent. You'll learn how to prevent minor setbacks from becoming a spiraling downward trend. In short, I will show you how to make being solution-oriented a way of life.

Once you have learned these new techniques, you'll be ready for "Pulling It All Together." You'll see how other people in your shoes have made the seven-step program work for them. I will walk you through the path they took, week by week, so you can see exactly how the program works from beginning to end.

In Part 3, "Common Dilemmas, Unique Solutions," you'll find answers to the commonly asked questions put to me by thousands of divorce busters on such topics as infidelity, Internet affairs, passion meltdown, depression, and last, but not least, the midlife crisis.

You will want to read Part 4 over and over and over. That's because it is full of success stories of people who feel as you do about the importance of making marriages work, people who used my proven seven-step program and managed to make their relationships more loving than ever. Their letters are truly a blessing!

So what are you waiting for? Let's get started!

Copyright © 2001 by Michele Weiner Davis

About the Author

divorcebusting.com
Michele Weiner Davis has appeared as a regular guest on Oprah, 48 Hours, the Today show, and CBS This Morning. She is the author of the bestseller Divorce Busting and of Getting Through to the Man You Love and Change Your Life and Everyone in It, and coauthor of In Search of Solutions. A marriage therapist in private practice, Weiner Davis lives outside Chicago with her husband and two children.