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Oddly enough, some of the people nearest and dearest to you are part of the problem. This is not to say that they don't have your best interests at heart. They do. They love you. They can't stand to see you in pain. More than anyone, they know you and know how much you deserve happiness in your life. Their caring is genuine. Why then do I say that your loved ones can be misdirecting you?

The Biased Shoulder

When you share your unhappiness with loved ones, what they hear is your side of the story, and your side only. Even though your feelings about your spouse and marriage are valid, they are, nonetheless, biased. Needless to say, if your spouse were in on the conversation, the story about your marriage would take a not-so-slight different turn. But the people who love you don't care about objectivity; they want you to feel better. Although this makes perfect sense, the end result is that the people in whom you are confiding offer potentially life-changing advice without a complete set of facts. If you follow that advice, you may create an even bigger rift in your marriage. Let me give you an example of how this works.

Sue was miserable in her marriage; she felt that she and her husband, Jeff, had completely grown apart. Sue decided to talk to her sister, Ann, about her predicament. Sue told Ann that she was really upset about how things had changed in her marriage. When she and Jeff got married, she explained, they were crazy about each other. They did everything together, spent hours talking, weekends doing fun things, and sex was great. They were best friends. As Sue recalled these memories, she cried. Seeing Sue in such pain, her sister's heart went out to her. Ann asked Sue to tell her more about what had been troubling her. Through her tears, Sue filled in the blanks.

She said that Jeff had turned into a completely different man from the one she married. He worked long hours and when he was home, he showed little interest in talking to her or in being with her. On weekends, he occupied himself with projects or watching sports on television. When Sue approached Jeff about her feelings, Jeff responded coldly, "Why are you always hassling me?" Sue tried to get through to Jeff and tell him how much his distance was hurting her, but Jeff seemed to withdraw even more.

Jeff's insensitivity to her feelings made Sue angry and hurt. She stopped doing thoughtful things for him, trying to engage him in conversation, and even refused his advances to be intimate. Now, instead of just being distant, Jeff had become critical and unpleasant, never passing up an opportunity to say or do something to hurt Sue's feelings. Sue couldn't understand why Jeff had become such a "jerk," especially since all she wanted was a closer relationship.

Upon hearing Sue's rendition of their marital interactions, Ann immediately came to her defense. "I can't believe he's acting this way! This isn't the same Jeff I used to know. What do you think is going on with him?" For the next half hour, they speculated about the possible causes of Jeff's ugly behavior — an affair, depression, a midlife crisis, or perhaps just bad genes from his father. Although they were uncertain as to the real reason Jeff had transformed into the unlikable man Sue had portrayed him to be, they agreed that Jeff was to blame for Sue's unhappiness. Ann consoled Sue. She hugged her and told her that she "would be there for her anytime she was needed." Ann also offered a few suggestions — counseling, giving Jeff an ultimatum, a trial separation — and Sue said she would consider her ideas. Sue thanked Ann for her support and understanding. She felt so much better.

Sue did follow through with Ann's suggestion to give Jeff an ultimatum. "Either you change, or I'm leaving," she warned him. But Jeff became even colder. In the weeks that followed, Sue regularly sought comfort in Ann's company. Sue complained, Ann commiserated. Although Sue felt validated by Ann's feedback, it did little in the way of helping her find solutions to her marital problems. As time passed and nothing improved, Sue's despair grew, as did Ann's determination to encourage her sister to leave her marriage. "You've tried everything," Ann told her. "It's time to throw in the towel."

It's easy to see how Ann arrived at this conclusion. Sue appears to be the spouse who is working on the marriage while Jeff is the inconsiderate, unloving one. But now let's eavesdrop on Jeff's conversations with his lifelong buddy, John. Jeff is a very private person and, though he rarely opens up with friends and family, his unhappiness with Sue prompted him to discuss his marriage with John.

He told John that he was frustrated and angry at Sue. All she ever did was nag. Nothing he did ever seemed good enough. She asked for help in the kitchen and when he cleaned it, the only comment he heard was, "I can't believe the way you loaded the dishwasher, it's so sloppy," or "You forgot to wipe off the counters." All Jeff heard was criticism, never appreciation. So, after a while he just stopped trying.

A married man himself, John knew that relationship problems didn't happen overnight, so he asked about the circumstances leading up to their current situation. Jeff felt that Sue had bailed out on him as a partner long ago. "When we met, she was fun to be with. We went to sporting events, out to dinner, we socialized with friends, and had common interests. We golfed, played tennis, and biked all the time. We both loved the outdoors." But Sue stopped showing interest in their activities together. She seemed more interested in her job, church activities, friends, talking on the phone, and going shopping. Sometimes she would stay on the phone with her girlfriends or her mother the entire evening! "But the biggest change in Sue," Jeff said, "is that she never wants to have sex, and it's been that way for a very long time. That definitely bothers me the most."

Jeff went on to explain how hurt and angry he felt because of Sue's constant rejection. "I don't know what's with her. Sue used to love sex. I always prided myself about how connected we were physically. But now she's never in the mood. She's got a headache, she's mad at me, she's too busy, it's the wrong time of month... He told John that Sue's cold shoulder had taken its toll. He admitted to being irritable and snapping at Sue fairly often. He was hoping that at some point Sue, the woman who used to be his best friend and lover, would, just once, reach out to him and be affectionate. Instead, all he ever got was criticism.

After hearing Jeff's dilemma, John said, "Sounds really tough. I heard about some women with hormone imbalances losing interest in sex. You ought to check it out." Then he suggested that Jeff do something to spice his sex life up a bit. "Get a bottle of wine, buy a sexy nightgown, and make her a candlelight dinner. Stay at a nice hotel next weekend. Tell her you want to be closer physically."

A few days later, Jeff approached Sue with the idea of a little romantic weekend getaway. Sue didn't seem too interested. Jeff made a comment about not being intimate anymore and Sue snapped, "Of course we're not intimate! You don't expect me to want to have sex with you when our relationship stinks, do you?" Jeff replied, "Have you ever thought about the fact that our relationship stinks because you don't want to have sex anymore?" This chicken-or-egg argument played like a broken record for weeks before the couple decided to split.

Imagine how Ann or John might have reacted differently had they heard "the whole story." Ann might have realized that Jeff wasn't the villain Sue made him out to be; that he was feeling rejected and hurt. With this in mind, Ann might have suggested that Sue do things that would help Jeff feel more connected to her such as go biking or hiking together, or being more playful and affectionate. There's no question that Jeff wasn't handling his hurt feelings in the best way, but unfortunately, instead of sharing openly about their feelings of vulnerability, some people lash out. Since Ann was totally in the dark about Jeff's feelings about the marriage, her suggestion — give him an ultimatum — was bound to fail.

Had John heard Sue's side of things, he might have understood that for Sue the prerequisite for being close physically is emotional closeness and that Sue and Jeff had not been close for some time. He might have suggested that Jeff spend more time talking and paying attention to her, and being her friend. It's easy to see how John's well-meaning advice to spice up their sex life fell flat on its face.

Protectors and Rescuers

Another reason friends and family can increase the odds you will be divorce-bound is that, because they can't bear to see you in pain, they will steer you to what they think is the quickest escape from the emotional torture. They convince themselves and then you that since your spouse is the problem, you should get rid of him or her. "You don't deserve this. Just get out."

But you need to be aware of a couple of things when you listen to this advice. First of all, although your friends and family care about you, their advice is also self-serving. It will make them feel better if you aren't so sad. It will be a relief for them when you stop feeling so torn. They want an end to this unhappiness. The problem is, if you follow their advice and make them feel better, you'll be divorced and supporting yourself (and your kids), changing your lifestyle, and starting all over, they won't. Even if your loved ones are divorced themselves and believe that their divorce has improved their lives dramatically, it doesn't mean that you will feel this way too.

Second, although it might be tempting to believe that divorce will free you of your spouse, when children are involved, there is no such thing as divorce. Your spouse will be in your life forever. And I mean forever. You'll be in constant communication about visitation, decisions about your children's welfare, holidays, money, vacations, issues pertaining to the relationship between the children and new male or female friends/marital partners. The list is endless.

One woman wrote me,

I've been divorced for twenty-three years. I realized that my ex and I would be in touch weekly because of our kids, but I guess I thought that when the kids got older, he would just disappear from my life. My grown daughter is about to give birth next week and for the first time, I realized that my ex and I are going to be "the grandparents" together. What was I thinking? Spouses don't disappear.

Spouses don't disappear with a divorce, and neither do your problems. Although a person may be hard to get along with, the truth is, when you're experiencing marital problems, it's almost always the result of how two people interact. In other words, two people develop relationship habits, and if you leave, you take your habits with you when you go. Let me give you an example.

Deb and Ron had a great marriage in the early years. Deb admired and respected Ron's decisiveness and take-charge personality. But as years passed, Ron's tendency to tell Deb what to do and how to do it left her feeling less enamored of his so-called take-charge personality. Now, she thought he was overbearing and dominating.

At first, she tried to tell him to stop being so controlling, but he defended his actions and brushed her feelings aside. Deb kept her resentments and bitterness inside. She walked around most days being furious at him, without his even knowing it. Over time, she could no longer stand the bottled-up anger and filed for divorce. After all, she thought, if I get rid of this controlling man, I will be able to find myself again and make my own decisions. After a long, drawn-out battle, they finally divorced.

The problem is, by thinking that Ron was the sole cause of their marital breakdown, Deb was blind to the ways in which her own behavior contributed to their problems. Let's assume that Deb's perception of Ron is accurate and she tried to get Ron to back off. When her requests fell on deaf ears, however, instead of trying a new and more dynamic approach, Deb backed down and did nothing. The more Deb did nothing, the more Ron took over. In a sense, Deb created her monster.

And the sad part about all this is, when Deb divorces Ron, she will feel relieved momentarily to be free of his presence, but if and when she remarries, she will enter her new relationship unenlightened about how to deal with the differences that naturally occur between any two people. That's because she ran away from her relationship problems rather than solved or learned from them. And since she failed to see her role in the demise of their relationship, she is destined to make one of two common mistakes.

The first is to marry someone similar to Ron and re-create the exact same problems. The second is to fool herself into thinking marriage will be infinitely easier if she marries someone who is totally different from Ron. And that's what Deb did. She purposely sought out a man who was gentle and laid back. At first, it felt like her life's dream. She didn't have to walk on eggshells because no one was looking over her shoulder. She didn't have to be afraid to voice her feelings because her husband would listen rather than criticize. She felt she could be herself for the first time in years.

Time passed and now Deb felt that her laid-back, gentle man was wimpy and unmotivated. He made less money than her first husband. He wasn't overly ambitious. She disliked that she now had to help him support the children financially. When she asked him what he wanted to do on weekends, he always said, "I don't care, it's up to you." Although she used to appreciate his easy-going attitude, now she was frustrated by his indecisiveness. When she talked to him about her feelings, he got emotional and cried. Deb wanted to avoid feeling controlled in her life, but this was more than she bargained for. Rather than find productive ways to get through to her husband and get more of her needs met, Deb found herself thinking about divorce once again. And as before, she reassured herself that the problems in her marriage had nothing to do with her.

The obvious lesson here is that when a marriage fails, no matter how tempting it might be to put all the blame on one spouse's shoulders, both spouses have contributed to its downfall. I know that. But your friends and family don't know that. They just see your spouse's shortcomings.

Look, we all need people on our side, people who will stand by us, no matter what. But before you are too quick to heed the advice of your personal fans, you must remember this. Their opinions are biased. They can't always see the forest for the trees. If you leave conversations feeling supported but solutionless, be wary. You might be in the midst of being initiated into the divorce trap's steering committee.

Copyright © 2001 by Michele Weiner Davis

Tags: Relationship Conflicts

About the Author

divorcebusting.com
Michele Weiner Davis has appeared as a regular guest on Oprah, 48 Hours, the Today show, and CBS This Morning. She is the author of the bestseller Divorce Busting and of Getting Through to the Man You Love and Change Your Life and Everyone in It, and coauthor of In Search of Solutions. A marriage therapist in private practice, Weiner Davis lives outside Chicago with her husband and two children.