The Not-So-Great Escape

The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
by Michele Weiner Davis

(Page 2 of 5)

People who are unhappy in their marriages often speak of feeling trapped. They yearn to be free from the tension, loneliness, constant arguments, or deafening silence but worry that divorce may not be the right decision. After all, they took their marital vows seriously. They're not trying to hurt their spouses. They don't want to hurt their children. They panic at the thought of being alone. They worry about finances. They fear the unknown.

Yet the idea of living in a loveless marriage starts to feel like a death sentence. Over time, many of these people slowly convince themselves that the benefits of leaving their marriages vastly outweigh the benefits of staying. They tell themselves, "Kids are resilient, they'll bounce back," or "In the long run, this will be better for everyone." It's not until they embark on the path to divorce and begin to piece their lives back together that they discover the real price they paid for their so-called "freedom." Regretfully, this painful discovery comes too late. They have fallen into the divorce trap.

Dear Michele,

I was married for eighteen years and we have three terrific children. I instigated a divorce. It was final six months ago. Now, I am having second thoughts.

I never imagined that I would feel this way because, for years, I was so miserable in my marriage. I thought that once I got out, we all would be better off. At first, it was a relief to get away from all the arguing. However, I could not anticipate how quickly the feelings of relief would turn to pain. The look on my children's faces when they talk to their dad on the phone or when they come back from weekend visits has been more than I can bear.

What surprises me the most though is the fact that I find myself thinking about my ex all the time. He is far from perfect, but I now realize I could have made more of an effort to learn how to deal with the things that irritated or hurt me. Now I am haunted by the fact that my divorce destroyed not only a marriage but a family.

Joan

Dear Michele,

I feel like a fool writing to you, but I don't know where else to turn. After twenty-four years of marriage, I told my wife I wanted a divorce. I had been pretty unhappy in our marriage for a long time. Our sex drives were totally incompatible. Whenever I approached her, she never seemed to be in the mood. At first I thought I was doing something wrong, but after a while I got sick of all of her excuses.

Then I met a younger woman at work who respected me and seemed attracted to me. Although I never thought I would be the kind of guy who would have an affair, after spending hours together working on late night projects, the temptation just became too great. Although my wife suspected something, I kept my affair secret.

Eventually, I realized I couldn't live this lie any longer, so I filed for divorce. My wife was devastated. She begged me to stay. She tried to explain away my feelings — insisting that I was in the midst of a midlife crisis or that I was depressed. Still, I couldn't wait to get out on my own. I knew the kids would survive and I believed our marriage had died long ago.

The divorce became final a year ago during which time I have made some painful discoveries. It didn't take long before I lost my infatuation with the other woman. I started missing my wife. But she has made a whole new life for herself and I am not part of it.

If you have any suggestions, I will be forever grateful.

Mark

Mark and Joan are not alone. The divorce trap seduces over one million people each year. It promises peace and tranquility. It offers a fresh start, a second chance at romance, contentment, and self-discovery. It lures people into thinking that by walking out the door they can eliminate life's seemingly insurmountable problems. When you're desperately unhappy, these so-called guarantees are hard to resist. But there are good reasons for doing so. If you or someone you love is contemplating divorce, you will want to know what I have learned about the truth about divorce.

In my work, I've had a bird's eye view of what happens in people's lives after divorce. I have seen the intense pain and despair that linger for years. I have seen times when every birthday, holiday, or other causes for celebration have been nothing more but painful reminders of a divorce. I have seen the triggering of unpredictable, hurtful events such as the total rejection by the children of the parent seeking the divorce. I have known children who, even many years after the divorce and their parents' subsequent remarriages, still want to know if Mom and Dad will ever get back together.

Now, after three decades of our social experiment with rampant divorce and disposable marriages, I know it isn't a matter of people keeping their marriages together because they can, it's a matter of people making their marriages work because they should. Divorce stinks! Why? Recent findings about the long-term effects of divorce speak for themselves.

• Except in very extreme conflict-ridden families — and most families do not fit this criterion — children are better off when their parents stay married.

• Children are more likely to finish school and avoid problems such as teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, and delinquent behavior. Plus, they are more likely to have good marriages themselves.

• Even if a parent is happier as a result of divorce, there is no "trickle down effect." Children still struggle emotionally regardless of how the parent feels.

• Married men make better fathers. They are more likely to provide guidance, role modeling, and financial support.

• Marriage is good for most adults. As compared to single, widowed, or divorced people, married people are healthier, have better sex lives, engage in fewer high-risk activities such as substance abuse, live longer, and are happier!

• Depression is almost three times as prevalent in women who divorce once, and four times as prevalent in women who divorce twice than in women who have never divorced.

• A random sample of over 8,600 adults revealed the percentages of those who felt lonely. The results are as follows. Marital status and percent reporting loneliness:

  Married — 4.6
  Never Married — 14.5
  Divorced — 20.4
  Widowed — 20.6
  Separated — 29.6 (Page and Cole)

• Those in healthy marriages tend to be better, more productive employees. Married men miss work less often.

• Divorce increases the cost of many public health and social service programs. Single-parent households often mean children are raised in poverty or on public aid.

• A single mother's standard of living almost always decreases significantly after divorce.

• As compared to 50 percent of first marriages that end in divorce, 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.

Many people considering divorce say they wish they could have a crystal ball that would allow them to see into the future. Actually, the crystal ball is here for the taking. Research has enabled us to be "clairvoyant." But many people choose to ignore or discount the facts because they've been hoodwinked into believing that divorce provides answers to an unhappy marriage. But how are myths about divorce being perpetuated?

The divorce trap is a powerful conspiracy that is invisible to the naked eye. Like carbon monoxide, the odorless killer, the divorce trap is an insidious influence, invading your thoughts without your knowing it. What are the forces behind the divorce trap?

Copyright © 2001 by Michele Weiner Davis

About the Author

divorcebusting.com
Michele Weiner Davis has appeared as a regular guest on Oprah, 48 Hours, the Today show, and CBS This Morning. She is the author of the bestseller Divorce Busting and of Getting Through to the Man You Love and Change Your Life and Everyone in It, and coauthor of In Search of Solutions. A marriage therapist in private practice, Weiner Davis lives outside Chicago with her husband and two children.