What Is Attachment Parenting?

Attachment Parenting
by Katie Allison Granju, Betsy Kennedy, R.N., M.S.N.

Grow a secure attachment with your children by listening to your heart.

Popularized by bestselling pediatrician Dr. William Sears, "attachment parenting" encourages mothers and fathers to fully accept their babies' dependency needs. According to the growing numbers of attachment parenting advocates, consistent parental responsiveness to these needs leads to happy and emotionally well-balanced children.

This practical, comprehensive, and first-ever guide to today's most talked-about nurturing style, Attachment Parenting shows how some conventional childrearing advice can be detrimental, and urges you to trust your instincts on such important matters as:

• Responding attentively to your baby's cries

• Minimizing parent-child separation

• Avoiding "sleep training" for infants

• "Wearing" your baby in a cloth carrier rather than relying on "baby gadgets" such as plastic carriers and carriages.

In addition to expert advice from pediatricians, lactation consultants, and anthropologists — as well as words of wisdom from hundreds of real parents — Attachment Parenting includes an exhaustive list of print, Internet, and support-group resources. It's an indispensable, hands-on reference that allows you to confidently and joyfully develop a secure and loving bond with your young children.

Chapter 1

"From all we know, every primate baby is designed to be physically attached to someone who will feed, protect and care for it, and teach it about being human — they have been adapted over millions of years to expect nothing less."

—Anthropologist Meredith F. Small, From Our Babies, Ourselves

New parenthood can be pretty overwhelming. Eager to provide the best possible care for the little person you have created, you may find yourself calling your pediatrician's office frequently with questions about how best to interact with your baby. Maybe you have turned to one of the scores of childcare experts whose works crowd the bookshelves, magazine racks, and airwaves in search of information regarding your many parenting concerns. Perhaps you have picked up this book looking for further instructions and step-by-step advice on "what to expect" or how to become "babywise."

If so, you will be disappointed. Why? Because the parenting book you now hold in your hands is fundamentally different from the others you may have seen. It isn't going to tell you exactly how often you should nurse your baby, or how many hours he should sleep each night because we don't know you, your child, or your family. Our philosophy is that you yourself — in partnership with your child — are the real "parenting experts" when it comes to your own family, even if you don't realize it yet. What, then, does this book offer in place of the usual laundry list of parenting "do's and "don'ts"? We are going to introduce you to a wonderfully adaptable parenting style that really works for today's families. Christened "attachment parenting" by bestselling pediatrician and father of eight, Dr. William Sears, this philosophy embraces gentle, common sensical, cross-cultural, and time-tested parenting practices. While you will likely find that the information in Attachment Parenting is in many ways quite different from much of the childcare guidance you may have read before, you will also discover that it is supported by a growing body of solid scientific research, as well as recommendations by specialists in a wide variety of disciplines related to family life.

"In my view, a healthy family is one in which there is a recognition of needs and, even if they can't all be met, they are acknowledged."

—Rich Buhler

In writing this book, we have listened to hundreds of today's parents from every background and walk of life tell us how and why attachment parenting works for their families. As you read what we have learned from them, you will discover that attachment parenting, so radically different from the conventional parenting wisdom with which many of us were raised (and which still permeates most of today's childcare guidance), offers you the tools to confidently and successfully nurture your child in a highly respectful way that also maximizes your own enjoyment and fulfillment as a parent. We hope that you will read this book with an open mind and the understanding that you can and should adapt the information we will be presenting so that it is most relevant to your life. The ways in which these ideas take root and blossom within your own family is up to you and your child — the parenting experts. Welcome to the growing community of attachment parenting!

Why Is It Called Attachment Parenting?

"There is no such thing as a baby; there is a baby and someone."

— British psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott

This parenting style is called attachment parenting in recognition of both the beauty and the critical importance of a secure attachment between parent and young child. Many of the ideas and practices to which you will be introduced in this book — such as long-term breastfeeding and sleeping with your baby — easily and naturally assist in the development of this crucial love-bond. Numerous studies — as well as common sense and personal experience — tell us that the early relationships that babies and young children form with their parents play a pivotal role in the development of the adults they will later become. The attachment parenting style produces securely attached children, not to mention confidently responsive parents. When mothers and fathers stay physically close to their babies and learn to intuit their unique cues, babies are assured that they are being heard and understood. As a result, they are encouraged to continue trying to communicate with their parents. This delicate give and take teaches your child that she can trust you, and it empowers you in the knowledge that you truly understand her needs. Attachment parenting is a gift you give to your child that will serve her well in all her subsequent relationships.

What's in the Attachment Parenting Toolkit?

Although the precise way in which these concepts work will vary from family to family, the following practices are the core nurturing tools for attachment parents. We will be exploring them in great depth as you make your way through the book, but here is a brief introduction to the "basics" of attachment parenting:

1. Bond with your baby in the early days.
The first hours and days that parents and baby spend together constitute a unique "sensitive period" during which both are exceptionally open to falling in love with one another. A gentle birth, followed by close, relaxed physical contact with your new baby provides the best context in which to get attachment parenting off to a great start. With supportive caregiving for the new mother, you have the ideal setting for a group of individuals to begin the process of becoming a family.

2. Breastfeed your baby.
Breastfeeding is a centerpiece of the attachment parenting style. For starters, it's one of the most important things you can do as a parent to safeguard your child's health. But breastfeeding is about much more than nutrition. In fact, the nursing relationship is like no other in the human experience. For both baby and mother, breastfeeding enhances their interaction with and enjoyment of one another. Attachment parenting encourages "cue-feeding" (sometimes called "breastfeeding on demand"), as opposed to parent-directed scheduled feeding. With cue-feeding, parents trust babies themselves to know when and how much they need to nurse. In addition, many attachment parents breastfeed far past the first year and respect their nursling's own unique timetable for weaning. Throughout the following chapters, you will be introduced to the very best in resources for nursing families — at the bookstore, on the Internet, and in your own community — all from the attachment parenting perspective.

3. Practice responsive caregiving.
Parents who are in close physical contact with their babies and young children and who remain open to their cues find that they are better able to figure out the "how" of parenting. On the other hand, parents who have been convinced that they should let their babies "cry it out" or only nurse for nourishment (as opposed to comfort) can often feel out of sync with their young children. When you allow yourself to get to know your own baby's special cues and routines you will feel more connected and comfortable with him. While it's true that this process of getting in tune with your child comes more easily for some parents than for others, consistently responsive caregiving eases the way for every parent-child pair.

4. Sleep with or very near your baby or young child.
Although "family bedding" is the cultural norm over much of the planet, it has misguidedly become something of a taboo in modern, western parenthood. However, parents who sleep with their babies and young children nestled nearby enjoy both restful nights and enhanced family closeness. Additionally, properly prepared family bedding is safer for babies than being left alone in a crib down the hall.

5. Carry, hold, or "wear" your baby.
In many cultures all over the world, parents believe that it is beneficial to keep their little ones safe and healthy by carrying them close to their own body in some type of soft, cloth carrier. Of course, many other mammals also carry their "velcro babies" close to the warmth of their bodies until their offspring are ready to venture forth on their own. Attachment parents utilize one or more of the various types of modern baby carriers — as a cloth sling frontpack or backpack — in order to "wear" their children. This allows busy parents more freedom to get things done while still offering their little ones the physical closeness that they need. Research has confirmed that carried babies cry less and are more content than others.

6. Respect your child as an individual right from the start.
Although many parents today push their babies and very young children to become "independent" as quickly as possible, attachment parents respect each child's own special timetable for growing out of their early (and healthy) dependency needs. Children who are allowed to enter each new developmental stage as they become ready, as opposed to when parents deem it "time" to wean, sleep through the night, or stay alone without parents, are ultimately more self-confident and independent as older children and adults. You can't force a flower to bloom before it's ready. Trying to do so will only damage the petals.

"Every stage in a child's life is there for a purpose. If we can respect and respond to her needs fully during each stage of her life, she can be done with that stage and move on."

—Naomi Aldort, Family counselor and writer

Attachment Parenting:
The Rest of the Story

"... you may be thinking that attachment parenting is all giving, giving, giving. Well, to a certain extent, that is true. Mothers are givers and babies are takers — that is a realistic expectation of a mother-baby relationship. The baby's ability to give back will come later. Better takers usually become better givers."

—Dr. William Sears

Now that you have an understanding of the basics of attachment parenting, you may be left with some questions about how this parenting style actually works with real parents just like you. Here are some points to remember:

1. Attachment parenting is flexible.
The basic philosophy and practices of this style of parenting can mesh with a wide variety of family configurations and lifestyles. Married, single, adoptive, foster, working, and at-home parents all find attachment parenting to be a wonderful way to nurture their children and grow as parents. Attachment parenting is also adaptable to your child's unique temperament. Mothers and fathers of fussy, high-need children usually discover it to be an especially good fit.

2. Attachment parenting is about mothering... and fathering.
Although attachment parenting does emphasize the seminal role that mothers have in breastfeeding their babies, this doesn't leave fathers out. A willing, involved father or other partner has many important roles in attachment parenting a baby. So, as you read this book, assume that, with the exception of actually putting baby to breast, the attachment parenting concepts and practices that we describe will work well for both men and women.

3. Attachment parenting doesn't turn mothers and fathers into "martyrs."
Initially, the parenting style we advocate may sound tiring or overwhelming. The idea of spending so much time simply being with our children — in our arms, at our breasts and in our beds — may seem daunting. This is because most of us come to parenthood steeped in the sterile, detached, put-the-baby-down-with-a-propped-bottle parenting culture with which we were raised. But babies and young children thrive better — and develop into healthier adults — with the attachment parenting style. A great deal of the much-discussed burden of guilt that modern parents seem to carry around comes from the fact that deep down, perhaps unconsciously, we know this. We sense that — no matter what some parenting expert has told us — we should hold our babies more, should be there for them during the night, and should nurse them when they simply need our loving touch. This internal struggle between what we intuitively know our young children need and how we have been told we should behave toward them really exhausts parents. On the other hand, parenting in a way that we can be sure meets our children's needs is actually very liberating. As Dr. William Sears has said, "There is great comfort in feeling connected to your baby. Attachment parenting is the best way we know to get connected."

4. Attachment parenting can be "the easy way" for busy, modern parents.
Parenting is hard work, no doubt about it. And parents should adapt their lives to their children rather than expecting a baby to fit conveniently into an already overscheduled adult life. However, in many ways, attachment parenting allows parents to more easily combine caring for a baby or young child with continuing to enjoy their "old" life. For example, by "wearing" your baby in a sling, you can simply take him along when you go shopping, to a restaurant or even to work. By sleeping with your baby, you avoid much of the legendary sleeplessness of new parenthood, thus allowing you to be more alert and productive during the day. Breastfeeding offers you the spontaneity to get out of the house quickly, easily and without the advance planning of packing (and then lugging around) bottles, sterile water, formula, pacifiers, etc. You will discover many other ways in which attachment parenting can make your life easier as you read through the chapters ahead.

5. Attachment parenting is family-centered, not child-centered.
Perhaps you worry that caring for your child in this way will place your child "in control." This isn't the case. Although most parents naturally find that their beloved children are indeed the center of their world in many ways, attachment parenting takes everyone in the family's needs into consideration. Other parenting styles emphasize parents' needs over baby's or occasionally, vice-versa. With attachment parenting, parents and children find their needs in cooperation with one another, thus creating a family-centered lifestyle. A key benefit of this responsive style of caregiving is that both parents and their children feel that they are getting their "cup filled," as some parents say. Children feel whole and secure, while parents feel more relaxed and confident. When the inevitable stresses and strains of daily family life come calling, everyone is better equipped to deal with them... together.

6. Attachment parenting assists with your gentle guidance (aka: discipline) of your child.
Meeting your child's needs through attachment parenting doesn't "spoil" her; it allows your child's natural independence, self-control, and ability to delay gratification to develop. When babies and young children feel secure and nurtured, they have less cause to engage in behaviors that many parents find annoying, such as whining, crying, and clinging. When you feel bonded with your baby and you have learned to read her cues, you are better able to respond to what she is trying to tell you through her various behaviors.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember about attachment parenting is that it is much more than the sum of its parts. It isn't just a simple list of parenting tools. Some women who breastfeed do not practice attachment parenting, while many parents who have never used a baby sling do. Attachment parenting is a way of thinking about your child and your relationship with her. It is a belief that your child is to be trusted, and that she knows what she needs at each developmental stage. It is a willingness to be truly present for your child, both physically and emotionally. It is a respect for the value of your role as parent and for the sensitive bond that the two of you share. Experienced attachment parents who have seen their children through early childhood and beyond describe this gentle nurturing style as a completely fulfilling way of life.

Copyright © 1999 by Katie Allison Granju and Betsy Kennedy

About the Author

www.katieallisongranju.com
Katie Allison Granju is a writer whose work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Disney's Family.Com, Microsoft's Underwire, and Salon's very popular "Mothers Who Think" column. She is the mother of three attachment-parented young children.

Betsy Kennedy, R.N., M.S.N., is a clinical instructor in obstetrical and neonatal nursing at Vanderbilt University School of Nursing. In addition to her experience working with Mother and babies in a family birthing center setting, she lectures nationally in her field. She is the mother of an attachment-parented toddler.