On a Date

Am I Weird or Is This Normal? Advice and Info to Get Teens in the Know
by Marlin S. Potash, Ed.D., Laura Potash Fruitman, Lisa Sussman

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I never know what to say on a date.

DR. MARLIN:  Stand out and be someone. The key is to be yourself. After all, that's who he was attracted to in the first place and that's who he asked out.

If you're not sure who that self is, think how you are when you are with your friends or your family. Talk about the same things you would talk about with them.

Say something that will get him talking. Try asking him about himself — his summer plans, how big his family is. This isn't about the male ego dominating the conversation, just getting him to converse so that it's not all on you.

Just don't ask him too many intense questions too soon, tell him your life story in the first 10 minutes, get too heavy about why you're crushing on him, or complain about anything too personal. Guys just aren't com-fortable with the same kind of personal conversation that girls usually use as a way of bonding.

LAURA:  I always ask questions because that keeps me from talking too much and helps to get him talking. Ask open-ended questions so that he doesn't just grunt a reply. But don't hit him with nonstop questions or you're gonna sound like Ricki Lake.

And if you can't think of any questions to ask him, just pretend that you're talking with your brother or your best guy friend. In other words, act like your normal self.

Getting Serious

I like two guys and can't choose.

DR. MARLIN:  Who says you have to? It's sometimes hard to know whether a guy is for you until you've gone out with him a few times. And even then, you may find there are things you like about one guy and things you like about the other. I actually think it's a good idea to date more than one guy at a time. Here's why: You refine your taste by getting a sense of what's out there — brains, humor, sensitivity, self-confidence — so you can Boy Nerves Boys actually get worse date jitters than girls. A study of 3,800 undergraduates at the University of Arizona found that 37 percent of men compared to 25 percent of women were nervous during a date. That's why so many guys seem to sit there like a mute when you're out with them. decide what qualities are essential to you in a relationship. Think of it as "comparison shopping."

However, it can also be stressful. One or both of the guys may not be so happy with the idea of sharing you and act jealous. This might sound like fun — having a guy get territorial over you — but do you really want to Be asked to account for your every second when you are away from him?

If you think you can handle it, then there are some ground rules: Be straight with yourself and with the guys — they don't have to know about each other, but you do need to inform them that you're not interested in making an exclusive commitment, so that neither thinks he's your only one.

Also, don't: date guys who are friends; overlap them or see them on the same day; gossip about one to the other; go with one where you think the other might be; or date one boy just to make another jealous.

LAURA:  I hate the whole you-go-out-with-someone-once-and-now-you-have-a-relationship deal. It's much more fun to hang and see a few guys at once. After all, there's plenty of time in life to get married and settle down.

Don't forget to let it shift. Remember, people change, situations change, attitudes change — sometimes daily. So be open to the possibility that after a few dates you may realize that you prefer one boy to the other or even that you're not crazy about either of them. In which case, do the right thing and let the rejected guy(s) go as gently as you would want to be dropped.

The guy I like has a girlfriend. He says he loves her, but he keeps flirting with me. Why does he do that?

DR. MARLIN:  Because he's confused and doesn't know what he wants, or because he's a two-timing bastard. Either way, let it go. You can talk to him, but I don't think it will do much good. It seems like he will keep on vacillating about what he wants.

I know — if I am such a big fan of going after what you want, why don't I tell you to go for it? Because there are times when you know in your heart of hearts that what you want isn't really good for you in the long run, and it sounds like this is one of them. Let's say he ends up with you. Would you ever really be sure that he wouldn't pull the same stunt with another girl?

LAURA:  It sounds to me like he wants you. The guys I know tend to be more up front in what they do rather than what they say. So I'd say go for it. But go slowly — just in case he changes his mind again.

Why would a guy say he's going to call and not?

DR. MARLIN:  Guys love saying this. It buys them time to think about their feelings toward you.

It could be that he's afraid to call. He may have forgotten. What you interpreted as a soul connection was a casual flirt for him. Whatever the reason, just let it go. You can go over it in your head again and again, endlessly discuss it with friends, and still not be able to figure it out.

Bottom line: Any guy who doesn't want to call you is too much work. And dating should be fun, not an exhausting mind game.

LAURA:  Not getting a call back sucks. It's happened to me and it used to make me want to wallow in my bed (which would also allow me never to be more than 2 feet from my phone just in case he did call).

If you absolutely must call him for peace of mind, then keep it simple. Call him only once. Just say you're calling to say hi, or to thank him for the excellent time you had with him.

If he acts distant or unenthusiastic, saying something like "I meant to call you" without saying why he hasn't, or, "I can't really talk right now" without mentioning when he can talk, or if you leave a message and he never gets back to you, then at least you know where you stand.

A guy who's 8 years older than me asked me out.Is he too old for me?

DR. MARLIN:  Many girls find older men more attractive and sophisticated than boys their own age. Your body be fully developed by age 12 whereas some boys may not reach full maturity until their early 20s (see Chapter 4).

So you have to ask yourself, "Why is he interested in me?" No matter how talented, interesting, or beautiful you are, his interests and views on life are bound to be different from yours. Chances are he is very immature and/or needs some element of control in the relationship and gets that by going out with someone who is younger and therefore less likely than women his own age to challenge him.

But no matter how mature you are (or how immature he is), the one absolute truth is the bigger the age difference, the bigger the problems. For instance, having sex. He's more likely to be experienced and to expect it as part of the relationship. Fifty percent of girls 15 to 17 who get pregnant are sleeping with a guy who is at least 20.

Also, in some states, where the age of consent is 18, having sex with him could land him in jail for statutory rape — even if you gave your consent.

I'd say give this one a pass.

LAURA:  I know all the guys your age seem really stupid. That's because they are. And it can make you feel really cool to go out with a guy who's older.

But a guy who is that much older than you is also probably way ahead of you socially, mentally, sexually, emotionally. He has a whole different life — he can drink legally (if he is 21), get into clubs, get a driving license, and vote. He's not worried about your learner's permit test because he's too busy worrying about college or work.

LAURA'S TIP:  Think — would you go out with someone 8 years younger than you? Exactly.

One Last Dating Tip from Dr. Marlin

You do not need a guy to feel good about yourself, although it's tempting to go that route. But you do need to feel good about yourself to find a guy who is right for you. So think about the qualities you really care about in a boyfriend. (If you're stuck on what to write, put down qualities that you like in your friends.)

Looks, too, are usually important to us all (let's be honest), but did you ever notice that when you really like someone and you're happy with each other, you look better (and so does he)?

Prioritize your list. All items on your list are not of equal importance. Some are "absolute musts" and others are "would be nice but not a deal breaker." For example, it might be okay if your new boyfriend doesn't care much about mountain biking (even though you're crazy about it), but maybe it's really essential he be a nonsmoker.

After you've completed your list, look it over carefully. Is it realistic? (In other words, could any one person possibly have all of those wonderful qualities?)

The point is that the best relationships are based on mutual admiration. If you secretly hope that he will eventually change his style, that's a sign that it might be time to move on to someone you really appreciate for who he is (or vice versa if he pressures you to make all sorts of changes).

If, on the other hand, you feel satisfied and he likes the things about you that you like about yourself, then you're onto something really great.

Copyright © 2001 by Marlin S. Potash, Ed.D., and Laura Potash Fruitman

About the Author

Marlin S. Potash, Ed.D., has a private psychotherapy practice in Manhattan.

Laura Potash Fruitman attends the Friends Seminary School in Manhattan.

Lisa Sussman was the love and relationship columnist for YM. She lives in Rhode Island. She lives in Rhode Island.