Getting It On: Getting a Date

Am I Weird or Is This Normal? Advice and Info to Get Teens in the Know
by Marlin S. Potash, Ed.D., Laura Potash Fruitman, Lisa Sussman

Am I Weird or Is This Normal? is for every girl who has ever wondered whether all the stuff that's happening to her body, feelings, and relationships is normal — and who's seeking the 411 that will get her in step with life.

Am I Weird or Is This Normal? is like being a part of a private conversation where you get answers and advice about all the stuff that's on your mind.

Everyone feels strange, embarrassed, and just plain weird at times. It's just that no one likes to talk about it. Except for Dr. Marlin, a psychologist specializing in teens, and Laura, her teenage daughter who has been in the trenches dealing with boys, school, her parents' divorce, and friends. This dynamic duo give the lowdown on everything so that you can handle all the sticky situations that crop up on the way to womanhood.

By giving you a look into other girls' experiences, Am I Weird or Is This Normal? will walk you through the options you have when you're:

• Uncertain about dating and sex
• Faced with alcohol and other drugs
• Feeling jealous
• Fighting with your friends and family
• Smack in the middle of life's other awkward moments

With uplifting mantras you can pull out whenever you need them, Dr. Marlin and Laura help you -— and those who love you — get through life by seeing that weird is normal.

Chapter 1

How do I meet someone to date?
How do I get someone to go out with me?
What should we do when we're out together?

None of us know intuitively how to tell if someone is interested, or how to deal with the possible rejection, or what to say on a date. These things are learned through trial and error.

Potentially embarrassing? Yes. Because part of the thrill of going out with someone is feeling accepted. It's like winning a People's Choice Award. You feel like jumping up and saying, "He likes me. He really, really likes me!"

But the risks of dating — or trying to get a boyfriend — are much lower if you approach dating not from the attitude of "How can I get someone to go out with me?" but "What do I want from this?" Never thought of it that way, did you?

This chapter will give you a handle on how to work out the balance between boys and your life without losing your mind.

Crushes

Crushes are bittersweet. They can make your day tolerable.

But one-sided yearning can also be painful. The object of your passion may never give you the time of day. Which is why, ultimately, this state of being is called a crush (as in demolish), not a boost.

I have a crush on this guy at school, and he's all I can think about.

DR. MARLIN:  When you have a crush, you think you're in love but you're not. Okay, so you can't stop thinking about the guy and your heart beats a mile a minute when he's near.

But this passion is based on fantasy. After all, what do you really know about this guy other than that he looks good?

Sometimes this sort of fantasy love is much better than the real thing: He's perfect. It's fun to indulge. It's easy to read love signals into his every move. It can even be a confidence booster because you convince yourself he's drooling over you when he really has no interest in you.

Decide if you'd rather stick with the fantasy or if this is something you want to try to make happen. Not all crushes are worth acting on, especially if the person is someone off-limits like your best friend's boyfriend.

Here's how to decide: Do a reality check on your crush, in which you find out at least five true things about him.

Are these qualities you would want in a boyfriend? For instance, if you find out that he dumped his last girlfriend over the phone or that he's always goofing off in class, he may not be right for you.

If it turns out that you are still interested in him, you might want to go for it — gently. If you did your reality-check homework, you have some idea what he's interested in and if it interests you, too. Act on that. Talk to him about whatever you have in common.

LAURA:  It's not easy to just approach some guy who you really like, let alone talk to him. You have to connive the situation a little by putting yourself in his path. I really liked this guy who was in another grade, so there was hardly any opportunity for us to connect. Then I found out he was taking an architecture class that I'd been planning to take the following year. So I signed up right away.

Okay, we didn't end up going out. But we did become great friends, which can be another bonus of crushing on a guy.

There are lots of not-so-obvious opportunities to get near him. Hang out at a friend's locker near his, go to the candy store where he goes, or try to get next to him on the lunch line. Eventually make eye contact and say something. If there's the slightest chance he's interested, he'll start talking, even if it's just a grunt. If he's picking up your signals and doesn't send one back, then take the hint and move on.

Getting a Date

In poll after poll, guys say the same thing: They hate fake. In other words, wanting to be in a relationship so desperately that you act in a way that's not you is the number one turnoff. The only thing you can do to make yourself sizzle is to be real. Here's how:

• Know you are important with or without a boyfriend. A desperate girl attracts a different kind of attention than a proud one does. Guys, like girls, want to be with winners. A confident girl gives off the aura of worthiness: "I respect myself and expect you will respect me, too."

• Don't just agree. And, for God's sake, don't play dumb. When you speak your mind, you stand out as an interesting person. Don't worry if he sees things differently. Guys — well, anyone you'd want, anyway — are attracted to women strong enough to hold to their own opinion.

• Stay active. Becoming more involved with things around you — whether sports, mentoring, or art — advertises you as a fun and interesting person. Guys don't want some one-note chick they have to entertain all the time. Hey, would you?

• Look good. Take a long, honest look at yourself to figure out how to make the best of the features you have — including the physical ones. In other words, don't hide your growing breasts. They're part of what makes you a woman, so stand straight and wear clothes that fit. Instead of hiding behind your hair or trying to disappear behind layers of makeup, get a beauty makeover (free at most department stores) and a haircut that shows off your face. Stop buying into the system by being a fashion victim. Wear shoes and clothes that let you feel comfortable and move like your normal self (see Chapter 4 for instructions on finding your own style).

I've never had a date.

DR. MARLIN:  Yet. You've never had a date yet. I know. This seems like the same old line and not yet usually feels like never. However, the main thing isn't to live life looking for a date but to keep on reaching out and making some friends.

The more situations you put yourself in where you are doing things that grab your attention, the more likely you are to connect with people you click with — and that includes the opposite sex.

You don't want to go out with just anyone who asks you. You want someone who is going to be right for you. And the only way to find that person is to do the things you enjoy and stay open to meeting new people.

LAURA:  Society still has a way to go to change its expectations of the male making all the date arrangements. But girls aren't hanging around the phone hoping he'll call anymore, either. So instead of holding your breath waiting for some guy to do the asking, why don't you take some risks? Approach someone you're crushing on and pop the question yourself.

I'm not saying it's easy. But lots of guys are shy, too. I know my guy friends hate that they are always expected to make the first move.

Otherwise, you're saying you'd rather ask yourself "And what if..." "If only I had the guts to..." So my advice is to just do it and get it over with. Don't make a big deal of it. The best line, according to guys, is, "Wanna do something sometime?" The guy can't panic and blurt out, "Sorry, I'm not free," because you haven't set the time yet. In fact, you haven't even asked him for a date yet! Nothing's official, so if he wants to back out, he can, without leaving either of you feeling too embarrassed.

Check out his reaction, too. If he mutters something about not having any free time for a long time, quit while you're ahead. Simply say something like, "Well, maybe another time," and let it go at that.

Remember, guys get this treatment all the time and bounce back. As one of my guy friends says, "When I get rejected, I can't think it's me, or I'd never ask a girl out again. I just think that it means the girl wasn't right for me and I'm better off without her."

If he doesn't outright reject you, follow up with, "So what do you want to do?"

Boys only see me as a great friend.

DR. MARLIN:  This is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, there's real value in boys seeing you as a friend.

If you're a close friend, you're probably seeing more of your guy friends as their authentic selves than any girlfriend would. It's unlikely that they would be as completely open with her as they are with you because they're trying to impress her (think of how you act around friends versus a guy who you like). Also, as their friend, you are developing a strong foundation of trust.

All these things are great precursors to a solid romantic relationship. In fact, many couples in solid relationships say getting to know their partner as a friend before they got romantically involved helped keep them strong as a team because they already had a connection that went beyond sexual attraction.

LAURA:  Although it may seem like guys only think of you as a friend and can't see you as a potential girlfriend, that might not always be true. If a guy is comfortable around you and likes spending time with you, he may like you and not know it yet (look at Dawson and Joey. It took him a while, but then he fell head over heels). I would also use this time to find out what guys really think about things (like what kind of girl would they like to date vs. hook up with). You can get some great insight that could come in handy with boys that you really like.

Why is it that only the guys I don't like ask me out?

DR. MARLIN:  Simple. They're the ones you are able to be most comfortable around because you're not interested in them as potential boyfriends.

Unfortunately, we tend to get more nervous and sweaty when we are near someone we have a crush on because we try so hard. And the guy picks up on that and thinks this is your normal self.

The way around it is to remind yourself that as cute as a boy may be, he is just a boy. Repeat this mantra when you start thinking he's too cool for you: "He's just a guy. Maybe a cute one. Maybe a funny one. Maybe a cool one. But he's just a guy, like I'm just a girl." When you can transform your crush back into human terms, you'll be able to calm down enough to become your regular self.

LAURA'S TIP:  One thing that works for me is to remember how I act when I'm with my guy friends just hanging out. Did I tell a joke or story they liked? Then I'll repeat it when I'm with a guy I like.

If you want the guys who you do like to ask you out, try spending time with them as a friend so that you can be really comfortable around them. It may or may not develop into a boyfriend thing. Chances are that the guys who might make better boyfriends are the ones you can talk to naturally rather than always worrying about saying the right thing.

I like a boy who isn't cute and I'm afraid my friends will make fun of me if I date him.

DR. MARLIN:  It's time to take some risks. Never let your desire to fit in stop you from acting on what you want in life (see Chapter 6). After all, real friends want you to be happy. Besides, a boyfriend should never be an accessory — something you wear on your arm to complement the image you want to project. He should be a person you love to spend time with, no matter what other people think.

LAURA:  Okay, Mom, but it's still really hard to move outside of your clique. It can make you feel isolated. You don't want to think your friends are talking about you behind your back, and you also want to be able to think that you and your guy and your friends can all hang together without feeling weird. I'm not saying you shouldn't go for it. But your relationship is going to be under a lot more pressure than most because you will be hyperaware of the criticism.

Sound your friends out on the guy — maybe saying how he seems sort of cute when you look past his height or whatever else they are criticizing. It's easier to change their minds so that they see him in a new light than it is to ignore your own heart.

Copyright © 2001 by Marlin S. Potash, Ed.D., and Laura Potash Fruitman

About the Author

Marlin S. Potash, Ed.D., has a private psychotherapy practice in Manhattan.

Laura Potash Fruitman attends the Friends Seminary School in Manhattan.

Lisa Sussman was the love and relationship columnist for YM. She lives in Rhode Island. She lives in Rhode Island.