Introduction, Part 2

Always My Child
by Kevin Jennings, Patricia Gottlieb Shapiro, M.S.W.

(Page 2 of 2)

As co-founder and executive director of Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network, known as GLSEN, the largest organization in the United States whose mission is to make schools safe for LGBTQ youth, I've worked with schools and communities in forty-four states on LGBTQ issues. I have encountered school principals and teachers who both wittingly and unwittingly perpetrate stereotypes. I have met well-meaning school board members who believe that an LGBTQ child who's been victimized should simply change schools but don't realize that it is the schools that need to change. I have talked to wonderful, involved, loving parents who don't notice that their child's unhappiness comes from a silent source of shame. While talking to these myriad people, I have been able to put my finger on the pulse of America and I have seen, firsthand, the way our culture and its expectations shape the real life day-to-day struggles of LGBTQ children and their families.

It's important for parents to recognize cultural myths so that they don't perpetuate stereotypes in raising their families. That's not always easy to do, however, because many parents actually want their children to fit the traditional mold. These parents are more comfortable with a conventional, conforming child who validates their lifestyle.

But this is generally not what is best for your child.

ALWAYS YOUR CHILD

When teens come out, they often question their place in their family, their school, their religion, and their community, and wonder if they still belong to any of these critical institutions. That's one of the reasons it's important for you to understand your child and her world: She needs to know she is still loved and still belongs.

While many LGBTQ youth fit in well everywhere and have a dynamism that energizes their friends and family, there are LGBTQ youth who, like me years ago, withdrew from everyone and everything, especially themselves. Adolescents today have greater knowledge, more information, and more diverse sexual experiences than previous generations. They are having sex earlier, more often and with more partners. They face social and interpersonal situations in high school that I would imagine you barely touched in your twenties. Yet, there's a paradox: today's youth are more isolated from one another and from their families and schools than any other generation. This is especially true for LGBTQ youth.

Throughout this book, I'm going to talk about the importance of young people developing a healthy identity that is consistent with who they are inside. One way to do that is to help them connect with other people, both their own age and older, who share their sexual orientation so they can understand they are not alone and that they are not freaks.

There is an important reason for doing this: isolated teens are at risk. If young people don't feel that sense of connection, chances are they are going to get in trouble. They may drink excessively and do drugs. They may develop an eating disorder. They may fail to protect themselves from pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS. Why should they behave differently? No one seems to care.

Yet, what convinces them otherwise isn't anything fancy. Like me, they simply want their parents' unconditional love and support, and to know that they haven't disappointed you. They want to hear, "You are always my child."

This book is designed to help the growing number of parents who either want to stand with their child, advocate for her, and help her connect to family members, friends, and special communities, or to at least get themselves to the point where they can better understand her.

A NEW GENERATION OF PARENTS

Times are changing for parents, too. One of the shifts I've seen over the seventeen years I've worked on LGBT issues is a real evolution in the attitudes of many parents. I first observed this about four or five years ago at the GLSEN Pathfinder Annual Awards, which honor students, teachers or parents for outstanding achievement in ending anti-LGBT bigotry. For many years, the students who won our top awards would come alone or with their friends. About three or four years ago, I noticed their parents were suddenly there, beaming.

I began to note who this new generation of parents was; even if they were having trouble accepting their child, they were beginning to play a role in her life, rather than try to "fix" her.

Part of the reason for the change is that so many of us know LGBTQ people today. According to a 2001 study by the Kaiser Family Foundation, 25 percent of all families say they have a family member who is lesbian, gay or bisexual. A 2001 poll by Lake, Snell, Perry & Associates, a public opinion research firm in Washington, D.C., found that 57 percent of parents say they have a co-worker who is LGBT. Eighty-one percent think children know their sexual orientation by the time they graduate from high school.

LGBTQ people are part of the world for this generation of parents, and they are increasingly prepared to accept and deal with that reality.

More and more, parents have an opportunity to connect with other parents of LGBTQ teens. You need a support network just as much as your child does. There is nothing wrong with reaching out. I'll show you how to take advantage of these opportunities for yourself and how to use them to support your child in doing so.

WHAT THIS BOOK WILL COVER

This guidebook will give you commonsense, plain English explanations of the issues and tell you specifically how to deal with them.

Early in the book, I'll set guidelines for the four essential keys to making your home a safe haven for your teen. They are:

1. Separate your issues from your child's. Discover how to recognize and put aside your own beliefs, prejudices and fears so your child's concerns can take center stage.

2. Get the facts. Find ways to inform yourself about healthy sexual development, safe sex and sexual identity issues.

3. Keep the lines of communication open. Learn when to talk and when to keep silent as well as specific techniques, such as when and how to follow up on a child's hint about sexual orientation or gender identity.

4. Create an open atmosphere. Learn specific ways to create a home that reflects tolerance for diversity.

I'll also guide you step-by-step through:

• your child's coming-out process

• the stages of your own process of acceptance

• your child's challenges at school with her peers and teachers

• advocating for your child at school

• ensuring safety on the Internet

• recognizing signs of serious trouble

Each chapter will contain specific dialogues so you know exactly what to say and when to say it. These dialogues include examples showing you what to say:

• to encourage your child to be honest with you

• to help your child break the ice and come out to you

• to tell your child's grandparent she's LGBTQ

• to help your child stand up to bullies

• to express your concern if you recognize the warning signs of a serious problem developing

The key to a happy family — and happy children — is the parent. Your family is the primary source of your child's self-acceptance and self-esteem. A parent's approval signals to a child that she is loved, valued and accepted. Every child wants these things, but few worry about them as intensely as children who are LGBTQ. After all, few issues are as central to teenagers' self-esteem as how they feel about their sexual selves. Feeling good about one's sexual identity is one of the most critical challenges of adolescence. And the odds are against that happening easily for LGBTQ young people in today's society.

All the research shows that the need for affirmation from parents grows more intense as children become teenagers. Adolescence is a time of healthy and exciting exploration: Who am I? What are my true interests? What makes me happy? These are questions teens must answer. Consistent acceptance and support at home is the best way for them to investigate these issues and to begin to draw some conclusions.

I hope that reading this book will be one step in the process by which you come to be able to fully embrace your LGBTQ child, help ease tensions at home, and enable you to be the kind of parent you want to be.

AUTHORS' NOTE

We will alternate by chapter between using masculine and feminine pronouns to refer to LGBTQ youth throughout the book.

We have changed the names of students and parents, who are identified by first name only, to protect their privacy. Some of their identifying information has also been modified. If someone is called by their first and last name, that name has not been changed.

The term "parents" should be read to include all caretakers, including guardians and other family members in a parenting role.

Finally, this book is particularly unusual because it explores three other issues that most other parenting books don't discuss: the concerns unique to transgender teens, questioning teens and teens of color. Each of these groups has special needs and deserves focused attention, which we have done by giving each its own chapter.

Copyright © 2003 by Kevin Jennings and Skylight Press

About the Author

Kevin Jennings is cofounder and executive director of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN). A graduate of Harvard, he lives in New York.

Patricia Gottlieb Shapiro, M.S.W., is the author of five nonfiction books including A Parent's Guide to Childhood and Adolescent Depression. She lives in Santa Fe, New Mexico.