Awareness

101 Ways to Be a Terrific Sports Parent
by Joel H. Fish, Ph.D., Susan Magee, M.F.A.

(Page 2 of 3)

Why you're the most important influence

Today, more than ever, sports-playing kids need their parents to be aware of the many pressures and challenges they face on the playing field — including a relentless pressure to win that most parents themselves didn't experience. Sports-playing kids need moms and dads to be aware of their own motivations and desires, which influence them as sports parents.

Here are eleven ways you can become more aware of what kind of sports parent you are and what your child needs from you the most:

1.	Give your child unconditional love, no matter what happens on the field

You buy your child the shoes and the uniform she needs to play soccer. You send your son to a three-week summer football clinic so he can improve his game. You offer her advice on how to improve her backhand. You drive him to 6 A.M. ice hockey practice. You give your time after work and on the weekends to help her practice her pitching. But are you giving her what she really needs to be successful and happy in sports?

Today's sports parents give their young athletes so much — time, money, and energy — more than most of our parents gave to us. It's not that our parents didn't love us or didn't care, it's just that today's parents are more involved in all of their children's activities, including sports. More parents attend their children's sporting events than ever before — that's clear just by looking at the stands. Parents know more about the sports their kids are playing. They are more actively involved in making decisions about coaching, strategy, and which games their children will play. A child's sports activities are built into the structure of his or her parents' day or, for working parents, their weekends. As one mom of three teenage boys put it, "On the weekends, I should just put my coffeemaker in the mini van and sleep there."

The motive behind the increased involvement as sports parents is a good one. Parents want to give their children the best opportunities in sports. More parental involvement can certainly be positive for children. Kids love their parents' attention. They love to be supported by Mom and Dad. But I believe, very passionately, because I have witnessed it time and time again in my work with families, that although many very good, hardworking parents are putting in a lot of time, effort, and money to nurture their children in sports, too many kids are still not getting what they need. What young athletes need the most is unconditional love and support from Mom or Dad no matter what happens on the field or on the playground.

Instead of unconditional love, too many kids are getting pressure — pressure to win, pressure to excel, pressure to make the all-star team, pressure to make Mom and Dad proud.

Toby, an eleven-year-old ice hockey player, told me, "Dr. Fish, my dad gets so excited when I win I don't want him to be mad at me if I don't."

Now, I've met Toby's dad several times and he's a nice guy. He doesn't yell at Toby or cajole him to perform better from the bleachers. When Toby wins, sure he claps and shouts, "Great job, Toby!" When Toby messes up on the ice, his dad is quick to tell him, "Shake it off, buddy! Don't worry about it!"

So why in the world would this boy think his dad would be mad at him?

As parents, we know how much we love our kids. Sure, we can be disappointed in them sometimes. We get frustrated with our kids. We get angry. These feelings, though uncomfortable to experience, are totally normal. Emotions run high in sports for everybody, including parents. But underneath those temporary feelings of disappointment or anger are feelings of love. Of course!

But kids don't automatically know this. Your child doesn't understand that you have this great reservoir of love for her that will never get used up. She doesn't always know that feelings, like anger and disappointment if she blows it on the tennis court, are temporary but that your love for her is not. Though we know our love is not conditional, kids think that it is. They see or sense our anger, disapproval, and disappointment and they get scared. They think, "Wow, Dad is really upset. I really let him down. I don't think he loves me anymore."

Kids need to be constantly reminded of the love and positive feelings we have toward them. This goes for kids of all ages. High school age kids will try to convince you that they don't care what you think, but they do. We must reassure them that our love for them is not based on how well they do on the field or court. We must tell them, again and again, that yes, we like when they win, because it's fun to win, it feels good to win, but we love them win or lose no matter what. Become a broken record with the message: "I love you when you win. I love you just as much when you lose." With the pressure and the competition sports-playing kids now face, you really can't say it enough.

You can show your unconditional love with hugs, by running your hand through his hair, by holding her hand when she's leaving the field (though don't try this on your twelve- or thirteen-year-old), or another gesture of tenderness you feel is appropriate to your child. One dad bought his son an ice cream cone after every game but he got a double dip when he lost.

Reassure your boy that you love him win or lose. Tell him, "It's great that you won, but even if you'd lost the game or dropped the ball, you still would have been my champ." It's important to remind kids that even though we're happy and excited when they do well in sports, it's okay when they don't do well, too. We still love them. You have more credibility with your child when you say, "I love you," when they win and when they don't. Then they think, "Mom must really mean it if she's saying it now and when I lose."

2.	Talk to your children about their experiences in sports

We hear a lot about why sports is good for kids — the exercise, the discipline, the fun. But here's another benefit you may not have thought about — sports gives you an opportunity to talk with your boy or girl.

This may not seem like much of a benefit to you now if your child is still under the age of eleven or twelve. Young children love to talk to their parents and share their experiences. Sure, you have to drag information out of them on occasion, but you know how to eventually get them talking. However, as your child ages, you may find that sports will be one of the few areas that you still have in common. Clarisse told me that if her sixteen-year-old Michaela didn't play lacrosse, she probably would never talk to her daughter:

Michaela thinks I don't understand her struggles at school, with her friends, and boys. When I express interest, she rolls her eyes and says, "You don't get it, Mom." Maybe I don't understand other things in her life, but I do get lacrosse strategy. I've been driving her to games and practices for three years. We talk about how she did in the game, what frustrated her, and what she's happy about. She tells me about her coach and stories about the other girls on the team. Sometimes we laugh at something that happened. The point is, we talk. Talking to Michaela about sports is just easier than talking to her about the other areas of her life. It's our common ground.

Here are four guidelines you can use for getting the conversation about sports started and keeping it going:

• Check in weekly. Sports should be one of the things you ask your child about on a regular basis. Kids want their parents to be interested in everything they do. The biggest mistake is not that parents don't talk to their kids, it's that they tend to tune in the most when there's a problem. Don't let the ordinary moments pass you by; they are ripe with opportunities to learn something new about your boy or girl or just enjoy each other's company. Tune in and make time to talk, even after the uneventful game or practice. You don't have to have a major talk after every sporting event, practice, or game but try to get in the habit of at least having a weekly conversation with your boy or girl. You can simply ask, "How is soccer going?" or "Anything exciting going on in field hockey?" When parents view and approach sports as one more opportunity to learn about their children and to talk to them about another area of their lives, both kids and parents benefit. An ongoing dialogue about sports keeps you in tune with what your child is thinking and allows your child to hear your point of view. Parents tell me that they learn so much about their kids by talking to them about sports. One dad said, "I didn't know that Marcus was so aware of other people's feelings. He can tell when his coach is upset or when one of his teammates needs some encouragement. That's pretty good for a nine-year-old."

• Listen more than you talk. Parents with happy sports-playing kids do more listening than talking. They ask open-ended questions that encourage talk rather than a simple yes or no answer. They ask: "How do you feel about Coach?" "How can I help you enjoy hockey more?" or "You seem to be enjoying soccer so much this season. How come?" Then they are quiet and they let their kids do the talking. Part of the reason that parents don't listen enough is that they feel they have to solve their child's problems for them. As Teresa put it: "I can't stand to see Marissa hurting if one of her teammates says something mean. I used to try to devise strategies for her or help her think of what to say but within thirty seconds she'd be turning up the radio to drown me out. Now I've learned to say, 'That must have really hurt your feelings when Sally said you blew it,' and then let her talk about it." I know a mom who had to count to ten each time she had the urge to jump in and add something to what her son was saying. If you practice, listening more than you talk becomes a habit.

• Be a parent and not a coach. Don't center the conversation around what your daughter did wrong or how she could have done better. Kids are much more likely to talk to you if you point out what they did well. You can say, "I know you're disappointed that you didn't get a hit, but we're going to keep practicing. I really loved your effort today. And I saw that terrific play you made at second base." I know it's hard not to give advice or feedback, especially when you know that if your son relaxed his shoulders when he pitched, he'd perform better. I have to bite my tongue too. It's hard for any parent not to try to solve your child's problems. It's fine that you want to help your boy or girl achieve in athletics but remember that unless you're the one with the whistle and the clipboard drilling the team every Saturday, you're not a coach. (Parents who are their child's coach can find advice in Coaching Concerns, chapter 5). Kids need their moms and dads to be the cheerleader who always listens and, on occasion, gives good advice.

• Talk about sports in a nonathletic environment. If you find your child reluctant to talk to you about his sports experiences after a practice or a game, don't worry. It doesn't mean you have bad communication or that your child is hiding something from you. Sammy, a twelve-year-old youth football player told me, "Dr. Fish, I don't always want to talk about football right after I play. I get sick of it. I want my dad to talk to me about other stuff, like school or the soap box derby we're going to enter." This is very common. Kids get burned out on sports and need to recharge. Think about how you feel after work or after you've come home from the PTA meeting. Do you always want to talk about your day or what you talked about? Sometimes you just want to get your mind off your daily activities. Kids are the same way. Give them a chance to decompress from their practice or game. Pick a comfortable spot for your child, like her bedroom or the kitchen. Wait until you're playing Monopoly, tossing a ball, or doing the dishes before engaging her in conversation. You're likely to find that your child will be more willing to open up about sports if she's away from the source of the conflict.

3.	Remember the reasons to play sports outside of winning

Kids learn early on that winning in sports is what counts. They see that if you win, you get a coveted spot on the all-star team. If you win, Mom and Dad are proud. If you win, your peers admire you and Coach is happy. You get the trophies; you're a champ. But if you don't win, you disappoint everyone.

Kids learn that winning is what counts from the media too. Our TVs routinely beam us pictures of the stars, like Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan, the athletes who have "made it." The sports media focuses on the champs, the winners, and the top dogs rather than the teams. Kids hear about professional players making millions of dollars and know they are admired for it. Kids of all ages are truly spellbound by larger than life sports heroes. Twenty years ago, if you asked a ten-year-old boy, "Who is your hero?" he probably would have named an astronaut, the President, or a superhero character. Today, he would probably say, "Michael Jordan," or another professional athlete. Millions of young girls admire basketball player Sue Bird and ice skater Michelle Kwan.

It's easy to get caught up in the idea that winning is what counts most in sports when it's all around you, on the field and coming out of the television. When we focus on winning we forget the many reasons why it's good for kids to play sports. When I was a kid, I liked to win, but I also liked hanging out with the other boys on my team. It was a lot of fun. I can remember feeling strong and vital when I played sports. I liked being out in the fresh air. Looking back now, I realize that I was probably more self-confident and self-assured as a teenager because I played sports.

Fun, fitness, fresh air, commitment, camaraderie, teamwork, perseverance, goal setting, the thrill of competition, and enhanced self-esteem...these are all the reasons why I encourage my children to play sports. I'm sure these are the reasons why you want your children to play sports too. The problem is, with so much attention paid to all-star teams, scores, and standings, it's easy to forget the many great reasons to play sports outside of winning. I struggle with this too. When I'm in the bleachers watching my son Eli play football and it's 7-7 with one minute left in the last quarter, it's hard to remember that I'm glad Eli's there because it's fun. I have to sit on my hands and bite my tongue pretty hard when the other team intercepts the ball. I have to remind myself that winning is only one small part of the whole sports picture. I make a conscious effort to talk to my kids at least two or three times a season about all the good reasons to play sports. I'll ask, "Not counting the championship game, what was the best thing about playing soccer this season?"

If one of my kids is playing for a particularly competitive coach or some of the other parents are pushing the kids to win, I remind them about the other reasons to play sports. Before or after every game. I'll say, "Yeah, Ari, I know it's hard when you don't win, but you sure looked like you were having fun with Jordan and Tory out there."

Though coaches, peers, and the media do influence your child about the importance of winning, parents have the most influence. If you take an early and proactive approach and remind both yourself and your child on a regular basis that winning isn't the only reason to play sports, you can help your child have a better experience in youth sports.

4.	Beware of going overboard

Let me clarify what I mean by "overboard" or "overinvolved" parents. I don't mean the rare parent who totally loses control and punches a referee or even worse. Thankfully, the incidents of outright violent remain on the fringe.

I do mean the ever-increasing number of parents who are "crossing a line" every day with behaviors such as yelling at kids, screaming at coaches, arguing with officials, and/or cheating. Go to any community in the country and you can find examples of sports parents losing control. Yelling and screaming at a coach, fighting with other parents, and arguing with officials are the most obvious indications that you're an overboard or overinvolved sports parent.

Here are eight common signs that you're overboard as a sports parent. You:

	find yourself talking more about your child's sport than your child.
	are highly critical of your child's coach.
	talk to your child more like a coach than a parent (i.e., always giving advice, instruction, and critiques).
	constantly tell your child to practice more.
	seem more emotionally invested in the sport than your child (i.e., you get more upset than he or she does about a lost game or performance mistake).
	get a great deal of status and prestige from your child's athletic accomplishments.
	believe that if your child just tried harder he or she could be successful at sports.
	aren't hearing what your child is telling you (i.e., "Mom, I don't like when you stand behind me and tell me what to do." Or "Dad, it makes me nervous when you come to my games").

If you see yourself in any of the above, it's likely that you're going overboard in your child's sporting career. Please understand, you are not a terrible parent. I believe that many overboard sports parents sincerely are trying to help their kids or advocate for them. Many overboard sports parents regret their behavior later. Many of them tell me, "I just couldn't help myself."

Of course you can help yourself. You're an adult. You have control over your behavior.

But before you can change your behavior, you have to be aware of what you're doing and saying; otherwise you will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. Be willing to look at your own behavior. Be willing to change. This is why your awareness as a sports parent is so critical.

5.	Watch out for "blind spots" in your behavior

Having blind spots is a fact of human behavior and can be especially common in sports parenting because emotions run so high, because moms and dads are putting out a lot of effort, and because the competitive environment is supercharged. Even the most loving and caring parents can have blind spots. We all have them. We're not always tuned in; we don't always have the most accurate view of our own behavior.

By now you may be saying to yourself, "Well, I must be the exception here because I really and truly don't care if my son wins or loses the track meet." Or "I still love my daughter just as much, even if she doesn't score a lot of points during her basketball game. I would never let her think otherwise."

Of course you love your child no matter what happens during a game or on the field. In your heart you sincerely mean this — most parents do feel this way. But in the heat of the moment, are you absolutely sure this is what you're communicating to your child? In the car after a lost game or at dinner later that evening, are you certain you're acting like everything is fine?

Edward was absolutely, positively certain that he was sending his son Jacob a positive message of unconditional love and support. During one of our meetings, Edward swore up and down that he would never make his eleven-year-old son feel bad for not swimming well. "I love Jacob unconditionally," he said. "I don't really care if he wins or loses. I would never yell at him like some other parents yell at their kids."

Just then Jacob looked up and said, "Then how come when I swim well you talk a lot in the car but if I have a bad meet, you stare out the window and don't say a word?"

Edward was stunned. He had no idea he was communicating his disappointment to his son this way. This is actually quite common — parents often have no idea what they're really doing and saying when it comes to their kids and sports. The way we respond to and act toward our sports-playing children can become habit-forming, the way it was for Jacob's dad. When it came to sports, he had a "blind spot" to how he was feeling, thinking, or behaving. His behavior was obvious to everyone else, but because he had so much emotion invested in sports and seeing Jacob succeed in swimming, he couldn't be objective about his own actions.

I encouraged Edward to check in with Jacob for periodic reality checks about his attitudes and behavior about sports. He now regularly asks his son: "So, how am I doing as a sports dad? Is there anything you think I should know? Is there anything I'm doing that's bothering you?"

Checking in with your child works only if you're willing to listen to what your child is telling you. You can't listen if you're talking, so hear your child out. It's okay to clarify what your child is telling you, such as, "What you're telling me is I'm still making you nervous when I come to your games" or "You feel like I'm still talking about sports too much." Clarify but don't argue. And don't try to talk your child out of how he feels by saying something like, "But I didn't even cheer or say one word when I was at your game." If your child is telling you that your behavior is causing a problem, it most likely is.

Also, be sure to check in with your spouse or your child's other parent, or a person who knows you and your child. Ask, "I'm not sure how I'm doing in keeping a balanced attitude about Lisa's lacrosse. What do you think?" Friends, other family members, like grandparents, and coaches can also give you an objective opinion and reality check about your behavior and attitudes as a sports parent. But no matter whom you turn to for help, you have to be willing to hear the truth — and that's not always easy. Remember to keep an open mind. Remind yourself that hearing the truth will help you discover any blind spots you may have as a sports parent.

Copyright © 2003 by Joel Fish, Ph.D.

About the Author

A frequent guest on programs like The Today Show, ESPN, Fox Sports, and has lectured at over 150 major universities, Dr. Fish is the author of 101 Ways To Be A Terrific Sports Parent. He has actively practiced in the field of sports psychology for over 20 years. His resume includes working as a sports psychology consultant for U.S. Olympians, the Philadelphia Flyers, 76ers and Phillies organizations and the USA Women's National Soccer Team. Dr. Fish also works with the everyday parent and their children on the very issues included on the Head in the Game CD.

Susan Magee is an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in The Philadelphia Inquirer Sunday Magazine and The North American Review. She holds an M.F.A. from Bennington Collage and lives in the Philadelphia area.