Change Your Reaction, Change Your Life, Part 2

Working With You is Killing Me
by Kathi Elster, Katherine Crowley

(Page 2 of 2)

How to Identify a Hook Before It Reels You In

Most people become hooked before they even know what's happened to them. Identifying potential hooks before they grab you takes years of practice. Still, you can realize you're hooked before it wreaks havoc on your professional life. The sooner you recognize that someone else's behavior is hooking you, the sooner you can do something about it.

Are You Hooked?

Individuals respond to emotionally upsetting circumstances differently. Some people react physically. Their bodies send them physical signals that indicate the presence of emotional distress. If you are someone who gets hooked physically, you may experience one or more of the following symptoms: clenched teeth, stiff neck, tension headaches, tight chest, overheating, chills, stomach pain or nausea, shortness of breath, tingling arms, backaches, muscle spasms, facial twitches, insomnia, or fatigue.

Harvey works for the leasing department of a major car manufacturer. He hears his phone ring, looks at the caller ID, and experiences a tightening sensation in his upper back. It's Mr. Sullivan (also known as Mr. Talktoomuch), his neediest leaseholder. Harvey checks the time on his desk clock: 2:15 p.m. He's got an important meeting with his supervisor scheduled for 2:30 p.m. The pain in Harvey's back begins to creep up to his neck because he knows that Mr. Sullivan will want more than fifteen minutes of his time. By 2:40 p.m., the pain in Harvey's neck is sharp and persistent. He manages to get Mr. Sullivan off the phone and sprints to his supervisor's office.

Some people react to hooks by experiencing emotional symptoms. They feel strong negative emotions such as anger, fear, panic, anxiety, embarrassment, confusion, depression, repulsion, helplessness, or despair. If you are an emotional reactor, you may respond to people and circumstances that drive you crazy with emotional outbursts such as uncontrollable rage, sudden tears, or inappropriate laughter. Emotional reactions to hooks are often accompanied by physical reactions.

Cara is the personal assistant to a well-known interior designer, Erica Payne. When Erica saunters into the office, Cara immediately feels a wave of anxiety. She knows that Erica will seek and find something to criticize. Yesterday, Erica singled out Cara in front of the other employees. She reprimanded her for organizing the swatches incorrectly. "Didn't they teach you anything in college?" Erica chided. Cara felt embarrassed and furious at the same time. Ever since Cara started working for Erica, her moods have taken a downward turn. Every time she even thinks about work, she starts to feel depressed.

Another common reaction to hooks in the workplace involves unproductive mental activity. A difficult relationship or scenario on the job may generate obsessive thinking, spacing out, constant distraction, paranoia, revenge fantasies, forgetfulness, or an inability to concentrate. When you're mentally hooked, your mind works overtime in an attempt to solve the disturbing situation.

Jose recently got promoted to head of receivables for a bottle manufacturer. Because he's new to this detail-oriented position, he requires long periods of concentration. Jose has two chatty coworkers who sit right behind him. They talk to each other all day long. Sometimes their conversations are work-related, sometimes they aren't. Their incessant chattering feels like a swarm of gnats buzzing around his head. Jose can't concentrate long enough to complete his assignments. Either their noise distracts him, or he obsesses about how to shut them up. Either way, he can't get their voices out of his head.

Whether you are someone who gets hooked physically, emotionally, or mentally, the sooner you can establish that a person or situation at work has you hooked, the sooner you can begin to address it. During the course of your work week, notice which people and circumstances elicit positive internal responses in you and which ones leave you feeling tense, churned up, or defeated. See if you can identify who and what hooks you. From there, you can apply our four-pronged process and begin to unhook.

The following stories illustrate how unhooking works from start to finish. Read about Glenn and Tom. See how they discover that they are hooked, and how they unhook from their challenging situations. Then conduct your own unhooking exercise using the assessment at the end of this chapter.

Glenn's Story

Glenn is a senior software designer for a West Coast software company. His life changed the day his boss, Arthur, left the company for a new position. Arthur's hands-off management style really worked for Glenn. Arthur allowed Glenn to design new software programs with minimal interference. Together they produced a wide range of new products.

Arthur's replacement, Mike, works very differently. Within the first week of his arrival, the new VP of software development meets with Glenn. "I believe in hands-on management," Mike explains. "I don't accept sloppy work and I require detailed daily reports from my employees regarding the status of their projects."

At the end of each business day, Mike insists on meeting with Glenn to go over his report, point by point. He questions Glenn regarding the design decisions he makes. Glenn is appalled to find himself defending his software models.

After just one month under Mike's management style, Glenn feels tired, irritated, undermined, and frustrated. His new boss is driving him crazy. Glenn believes that the reports are a waste of his time, and he resents having to justify his design choices. "I'm so busy substantiating my work, I'm not able to accomplish anything."

For several weeks, Glenn obsesses about his new situation. He can't stop thinking about Mike, talking about Mike, complaining about Mike. In his mind, he plays and replays imagined conversations where he summons the courage to tell Mike off and prove him wrong.

Glenn talks about Mike to his wife for hours. When his wife can't listen anymore he calls his best friend, Hal. Even Glenn's running buddy, Fitz, gets an earful. Finally, Glenn's fifteen-year-old son walks into the living room and casually remarks, "Dad, you're out of control. This guy Mike is running your life. Chill out."

In that moment, Glenn realizes he's hooked. His negative feelings and thoughts about his new manager are making him miserable. Before Mike became his boss, Glenn enjoyed his work and appreciated his employer. Now he constantly feels frustrated and upset. Instead of focusing on Mike's shortcomings, Glenn decides to try changing his own reaction first. He begins the unhooking process.

Unhook physically: Glenn goes for a really long run. This time, he runs by himself. Instead of obsessing about Mike, he focuses on releasing pent-up energy and clearing his mind.

Unhook mentally: After his run, Glenn sits down and takes an inventory of his situation:

• What's happening here? I have a new boss, and I don't like his management style.

• What are the facts? Mike insists on daily meetings and regular reports. I consider these a waste of my time.

• What's his part? Mike believes in hands-on management, and he won't let me do things the way I used to.

• What's my part? I don't like change and I refuse to see the value in Mike's approach to designing software.

• What are my options? I can continue to be unhappy with Mike's style, or I can give it a chance. I can also look for another job.

After taking the inventory, Mike admits to himself that even though he and Arthur created a lot of imaginative software, each program usually contained numerous bugs. These design glitches took months to solve before the software could be mass-produced.

Glenn decides that he can at least experiment with Mike's more cautious approach to software development. For the next few months, he can adjust his attitude about the daily status meetings. He can adhere to Mike's method and see if it generates positive results. If Glenn is still unhappy after three months, he can circulate his résumé.

Unhook verbally: Glenn finds the words to let Mike know he's ready to really cooperate. "I respect your desire to create a higher-quality product. It's taking me a while to get used to the new routine, but I'm behind you."

Unhook with a business tool: Glenn meets with Mike every day for three months and goes over his reports. As the quality of his work improves and the bugs disappear, he asks Mike if they can meet a little less frequently-weekly rather than daily-so that he has more time to design software.

Tom's Story

For ten years, Tom has worked as a reference librarian for a top university. Recently, he received a promotion to director of the entire reference department. As soon as Tom assumed his new position, Denise, his coworker of many years, began to act strangely toward him. Before the promotion, they enjoyed a warm friendship. But now Denise is cold and icy.

Denise won't talk to Tom or look in his direction. At lunch, she sits with her back to him. At meetings, she glares when he asks her a question. For reasons Tom doesn't understand, his former friend resents him and treats him with contempt.

Afraid of exacerbating the situation, Tom responds to Denise's cold shoulder by avoiding her. He begins to dread going to work. One day, Tom walks by Denise and George, another reference librarian. He overhears Denise putting him down. "Tom is a study in incompetent leadership. I could run the department more efficiently with my eyes closed."

Tom feels his blood boil. He wants to kill Denise. He imagines himself "accidentally" pushing a bookcase on top of her. He realizes that he is totally hooked by her hostile behavior. Instead of acting out his violent fantasy, Tom leaves the building and begins to unhook.

Unhook physically: Tom takes a brisk walk around campus. He starts to have a conversation with himself. He's tired of feeling bullied by Denise. He needs to sort through his options.

Unhook mentally: Tom takes an inventory of his situation:

• What's happening here? I got promoted and my former coworker is treating me poorly.

• What are the facts of the situation? I am her boss. She reports to me. She was my friend. Now she won't talk to me.

• What is her part? She's angry and treating me with contempt.

• What's my part? I'm afraid to confront her. By remaining silent, I tacitly permit her unprofessional behavior.

• What are my options? I can continue to let her terrorize me, or I can start setting boundaries by clarifying the behaviors that are acceptable and unacceptable to me.

After taking the inventory, Tom establishes that he's been allowing Denise to control their relationship. Technically, he is her boss. He has the power to confront her rude conduct. His silence allows Denise to continue acting out.

Unhook verbally: Tom returns to the library, walks up to Denise, and says, "We need to talk. Meet me in a half hour in my office." If Denise challenges him he can say, "This meeting isn't optional. I'll see you in my office."

Unhook with a business tool: Back in his office, Tom sits down and begins to document specific incidents during the past two weeks where Denise refused to answer him, ridiculed him in front of coworkers, or withheld information. He prints up a copy for both of them. When Denise arrives for their meeting, he hands her the list. He clearly states his position: "This is what I've experienced in the last couple of weeks from you. It's unacceptable behavior. I'm going to put this document in your HR file. It will be part of your permanent record unless you improve within the next week." Tom completes the meeting by saying, "We've gotten along well in the past. I'd like to return to having a positive work environment here."

Putting It All Together-Your Personal
Unhooking Assessment

Now it's your turn to practice unhooking. Pick one person or situation in your workplace that has you hooked, and complete the following assessment.

1. Describe the overall situation. Who is involved and what keeps happening?

2. List the symptoms you're exhibiting that indicate you're hooked:

Physical: How is your body reacting? Where is the discomfort?

Emotional: What uncomfortable feelings are you experiencing?

Mental: What thoughts are invading your day-to-day activities?

3. Unhook:

Physically: List the actions you can take to release energy and calm down your body.

Mentally: Take a mental inventory of your situation:

• What's happening here?
• What are the facts of the situation?
• What's their part?
• What's my part?
• What are my options?

Verbally: What can you say that will resolve the problem rather than perpetuate it?

Business tool: What business tools can depersonalize this challenging situation and provide ways to track events and measure performance?

Repeat this process with each hook you encounter.

UNHOOKING AT A GLANCE

Warning Signs That You May Be Hooked Physical - clenched teeth, stiff neck, tension headaches, tight chest, overheating, chills, stomach pain or nausea, shortness of breath, tingling arms, backaches, muscle spasms, facial twitches, insomnia, or fatigue

Emotional - anger, fear, panic, anxiety, embarrassment, confusion, depression, repulsion, helplessness, or despair

Mental - obsessive thinking, spacing out, constant distraction, paranoia, revenge fantasies, forgetfulness, or an inability to concentrate

Four-Pronged Unhooking Technique Unhook physically: Breathe, exercise, calm and release your physical energy.

Unhook mentally: Ask yourself, "What's happening here?" Stick to the facts.

Unhook verbally: Decide what you will say to resolve the problem.

Unhook with a business tool: Scan your business toolbox and pick the best one.

Copyright © 2006 by Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster

About the Author

Kathi Elster is a former sales executive and nationally recognized small business expert. She specializes in the outside issues involved in business building. Kathi's expertise covers most HR issues including hiring, firing and management training. Kathi takes particular pride in the "outside" chapters of Working With You Is Killing Me: Chapter 5, Managing up, Chapter 7, Managing Down - Business Parenting, and Chapter 8, Corporate Culture.

Katherine Crowley is a Harvard-trained psychotherapist. Her expertise concerns the inside of business; the psychological and interpersonal challenges involved with people working together. Katherine provides counseling and consulting to help individuals navigate the emotional highs and lows at work. Katherine takes particular pride in the "inside" chapters of Working With You Is Killing Me: Chapter 2, The Business of Boundaries, Chapter 3, If the Role Fits, You Don't Have to Wear It, and Chapter 4, Fatal Attractions at Work.