Interview: A Conversation With Karen Stabiner

My Girl: Adventures with a Teen in Training
by Karen Stabiner

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A Conversation with Karen Stabiner, author of My Girl: Adventures with a Teen in Training

Q: Why have girls gotten such a bad rap over the last few years? How much truth is there to it?

A surge of books about girls with various kinds of problems made us think that everyone was at risk, but they're based on interviews with girls who already suffered from the problem in question. Happy girls don't have a voice in most of the literature about adolescent girls. The bad-girl profile is only true for a very small segment of the population, but we've bought the stereotype, which only makes matters worse.. Adults today anticipate trouble before they have proof.

Q: You talk about 'marginalizing' adolescent girls. What do you mean?

We make completely unfair assumptions about them as a group, based on evidence from that small sliver of really troubled girls. And that makes our daughters frustrated and angry. I hear time and again that they resent the stereotype of the mean, self-centered, neurosis-plagued girl. They feel we don't give them a chance to show us how terrific they can be. We've come to expect melodrama, and we forget to pay attention to the good stuff, big and small.

Here's an interesting exercise - on a weekend day, try to pay attention to the nice moments, whether it's something as small as your daughter getting up to pour you another cup of coffee, or as large as her inviting you to do something together. Pay attention to what's going on - stop thinking about what you anticipate might happen. You'll probably see that life is much better than you've been lead to believe.

Q: A common reaction you get from mothers who read your book is "What a relief." They are so glad to hear that adolescence doesn't have to be a nightmare. Why do parents today dread their daughters' adolescence, and what is the positive message you're giving them?

In the news business, "If it bleeds, it leads," so we tend to hear horror stories about adolescents. Those stories permeate the media - and happy moms start to think that either they're fooling themselves, or their daughters are fooling them, simply because life feels pretty good. They figure the apocalypse must be coming tomorrow; they don't trust their own feelings.

The positive message of My Girl is that the apocalypse will probably never arrive. Moms and daughters disagree, they argue, they say things they wish they could take back, but you could say the same of wives and husbands, of siblings, of best friends, of any long-term, intimate relationship. I wanted to show women what real life can be like with a growing girl: The good outweighs the bad, and the good is profoundly wonderful. We seem to have forgotten that simple notion, and it's time to reclaim it, for our sake as well as our daughters'.

Q: Did you come up with a prescription for happiness?

Listen, talk, appreciate the good stuff, don't act like you expect the bad stuff, don't overreact, and start early. We can't decide on our daughters' sixteenth birthday that we want to avoid the kind of troubled relationships we read about.

And if there is trouble, seek help. We have to strike a healthy balance between worrying too much and ignoring the signs that we need to do something.

Q: Peer pressure is tremendous. The tween years are a chance for parents to lay a firm foundation for the teen years, when issues such as driving, curfews and sex become much more real. Talk about the groundwork and how it pays off.

The tween years are a great opportunity to establish lines of communication, because the very thing that drives parents crazy - they seem to have a cuddly kid one minute, and a curt young adult the next - also provides them with the chance to assert themselves. Tweens are just starting to figure out who they are, and a firm, consistent parental voice gives them a foundation they can rely on.

Lately, parents have tried to be pals to their kids, with disastrous results: As one educator told me, the best thing a parent can do is become the kind of parent we swore we'd never be. We need to call to find out if there will be adults chaperoning a party, if they allow liquor in the house, if older kids will be there, and we have to be prepared to say no if the situation makes us uncomfortable. We have to talk about wardrobe compromise, and not pay for a tank top and skirt if there's not enough fabric in them to make a place mat. We need to let our children know that we intend to keep them as safe as we can.

Oddly enough, your daughter may be grateful: It's easier to have a mom to blame than to say no for no reason. "Can you believe it? My mom won't let me go," may be your daughter's way of saying thank-you to you for giving her an excuse to avoid a situation she can't handle.

Q: What are some of the most common worries that mothers have about their daughters, and how would you allay these anxieties? Do we over-worry about our girls at this age?

A school administrator told me that what I worried about at 17 or 18, girls today worry about at 11 or 12. Life moves much faster than it used to. It can be hard to be a girl, in this society. One minute we want them to be brain surgeons, and the next minute they're supposed to look like Britney Spears. We worry at both ends of the spectrum: They'll study too much or too little, they'll eat too much or too little, they won't have a boyfriend or they'll be sexually active before they can drive, they'll never get invited to a party or they'll try drugs or alcohol or both. Statistics show that the vast majority of girls don't get into trouble, but that doesn't mean we can kick back and relax.

I think vigilance is a better approach than worrying, because worrying too often leads to distrust and suspicion, which is a quick way to alienate your daughter. Be aware and be available, and you might be surprised at how willing your daughter is to talk to you.

Q: You make it clear in My Girl that parents, and in particular mothers, are responsible for nurturing a good relationship with their adolescent daughter. How can Moms keep the relationship open, honest and fun?

First, let's not dismiss Dads, whose approval and support mean so much to an adolescent daughter. But I think Moms have to keep two things in mind. First, parenting is a lifelong commitment; we don't get to go on hiatus if things get rough. It's hard work, and it can require setting aside some of the things we used to do to make space to be with our daughters. When Sarah was an infant she had a meltdown during a lunch at a nice restaurant, and a friend with grown children helped me carry everything to my car. "Don't worry," he advised, "the restaurant will still be here when she's not." I always remember that.

Raising a daughter also requires honesty. I make mistakes every day, and when I behave badly I try to apologize for it.

Second, having a daughter who's old enough to have her own agenda can make a Mom's life far more interesting, if she lets it. Sarah brought me back to the piano, to horses, to old movies, to all sorts of fun that I'd set aside once I grew up, and she introduced me to new things as well. She's reminded me of the value of doing something new, of taking a chance, and I like to think that I'm a better person for it. If we focus on what our daughters offer us, instead of obsessing on problems that may never surface, we'll all be better off.

Q: You draw a lot from your own experiences with your daughter, Sarah. How hard - or easy - was it to write honestly about your own parent/child relationship, and how does Sarah feel about the book? Has she read it?

I've written extensively about other people's families, in books about breast cancer and single-sex education and even the professional tennis circuit, so I was both thrilled and a bit intimidated by the notion of writing about my own family. The process forced me to slow down and reflect on notions of family, of separation and independence, of the changing relationship between parent and child, and that helped me to rediscover some of the joys we miss in our stressed-out, overextended, striving daily lives. As for Sarah, she considers the book a great compliment. I wouldn't have done it if it had made her uncomfortable.

Not only has she read it, but she came up with the title when I couldn't think of one.

Q: You can afford to buy your daughter a horse and send her to private school. Why would a child of affluence have any complaints?

Ironically, the daughters of the middle- and upper-middle class have their own set of serious problems: Eating disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual promiscuity. They may not have to worry about their basic needs, but they can express anxiety and depression in dangerous ways. And sometimes parents spend money instead of time, which only increases a girl's sense of isolation.

And while the horse is a huge undertaking, literally, the impulse to support her is the same whether a family takes their daughter riding, or to swim practice, or to the tennis courts, or to a chess match. Once we figure out who our daughters are, one of the greatest things we can do is provide them with the opportunity to pursue their passions.

I like to think there's a valuable life lesson here for Sarah when she grows up: we've reordered our priorities, as a family, and we get a surprising amount of satisfaction from sharing this experience with her.

Q: Your daughter's now fifteen. Are you still speaking?

Absolutely. We argue if I treat her like a child, or if she treats me like an idiot, but we learned long ago to apologize, to think twice, and to get past things. So far the skirmishes have not escalated into prolonged combat. And I never let myself forget what a mom stands to gain from having a teenage daughter. She brings excitement, and energy, and curiosity into our house, and she has expanded my range of experience. What more could anyone ask for?

© 2005 BY Karen Stabiner

About the Author

Karen Stabiner is one of the most respected journalists writing today about health, women's and family issues. She is a frequent contributor on these topics to such major publications as Vogue, O, Redbook, The New Yorker, Los Angeles Magazine, The New York Times and The Los Angeles Times. She has also written about food for Travel & Leisure, Gourmet and Saveur.