Enter the anti-Cupids, Anna Jane Grossman and Flint Wainess, here to lend the breakup its ceremonial due, here to break down the breakup. Whether you're thinking about dumping someone, suspect you're about to be dumped yourself, or have recently been shown the proverbial door, Grossman and Wainess offer clear-eyed, commonsense advice to get you through this confusing period.
Do you have a plan of attack (or defense) in mind? If you've just been sent packing, do you know the best way to get your stuff back? Do you understand the full range of options at your disposal for exorcising your ex from memory? Do you have the right vocabulary to make a clean breakup, or to explain your lust for revenge to your friends?
Yes, It's Not Me, It's You tells you everything you need to know about the breakup: how to do it . . . where to do it . . . when to do it . . . whether to do it . . . whether you can have a friend do it for you. And perhaps most important: what to do after it's over (hint-it's never really over).
Laugh-out-loud funny, It's Not Me, It's You reminds us all that just because your relationship was an unmitigated disaster, it doesn't mean your breakup can't be a smashing success. Chapter 1
Why do you have to break up with her?
Be a man! Just stop calling!
—Joey Tribbiani, Friends
If you're a decent human being, there is only one way to break up with someone: in person. Yes, that's right: you're going to have to see your soon-to-be ex one last time if you want to fully extricate yourself from your failed relationship.
But many of you are not so decent, especially those of you who have penises. So, in case you simply cannot bear breaking up with your soon-to-be ex in person, or in case you fear that an in-person breakup will prevent any breakup and lead to sex (the horror!), we are going to try to help you explore some alternative mediums.
So You Want to Break Up by . . .
Instant Messenger
When It's Appropriate
The IM is a painfully easy-and lazy-way to break up with someone, and we suggest it be used only for relationships that have lasted fewer than two weeks and have been generally dispassionate and casual. There's a good chance, however, that your soon-to-be ex has perceived your union as more serious than you have, and will not appreciate being dumped by an emoticon. : (
What's Good about It
It's quick and fast, and you can multitask while doing it. You get all the immediacy of an actual in-person conversation, but you don't have to watch the other person suffer (you can watch TV while she's suffering). This actually can be a bonus for the dumpee too, as he or she can play it cool-heartbreak hides well behind a keyboard.
What's Bad about It
IMs don't have the ephemeral and private qualities that other methods do. Every sentence can be easily cut and pasted into someone else's IM window, which means that your soon-to-be ex might be sharing your breakup lines in real time with another IMer. What's more, people usually don't think out what they type in IMs with the same care they do when writing e-mails or letters, yet an IM can be saved just as simply. Do you want your ex using those words against you when you come back after realizing there's nothing better out there? And do you ever want your breakup to include the phrase "LOL"?
Things to Keep in Mind
Tone is something that's difficult to convey in an instant message-a statement that's meant to come across as ironic can easily be misconstrued as heartfelt, and vice versa. This is an issue that some people try to solve by using emoticons, but admit it: the only thing more pathetic than using instant messenger to breakup with someone is using a colon and a parenthesis to convey feelings of remorse.
So You Want to Break Up . . .
over the Phone
When It's Appropriate
If you're dating long distance and need to do the deed before you're going to see your soon-to-be ex in person, the phone might be the way to go. It's also understandable to want to break up on the phone if you've gone on a few dates with someone, or had sexual relations with him after one or twelve beers, but never had any intention of actually being in a relationship. Intention is critical here. If you never felt emotionally involved, if this was always just a fling, feel free to dial away.
What's Good about It
Sometimes it's easier to say things over the phone that you can't say in person but need to say in order to make the breakup final. And, when someone is crying over the phone, it's not as sad. Plus, if it goes on too long, you can hang up and blame it on a bad connection.
Also, there's the possibility of phone sex . . .
What's Bad about It
Besides the fact that it's morally repugnant, absolutely nothing.
Things to Keep in Mind
The person on the other end of the line can tell if you're not paying attention, and can hear if you're typing e-mails to your new love interest. The bigger issue is that if you care about someone enough to have a conversation with her or him about your breakup, you should care enough to be doing it in person. Even more important, you never know who is listening, like her mother, or the government.
So You Want to Break Up . . .
in a Letter
When It's Appropriate
It's pretty much always appropriate to break up in a letter if the relationship was a meaningful one. At the same time, it's always inappropriate to break up using a postcard with a picture of a hot woman or man on the beach under the sentence, "Wish you were here (not)."
What's Good about It
A letter allows your thoughts time to breathe, and it lets you explain without interruption. The recipient can read it over and over again and really process the reason you are ending things. If well written, it will be something the recipient may eventually cherish. You can also use it as an opportunity to practice your cursive.
What's Bad about It
Most people in the modern world can barely string a sentence together. If you can't spell breakup without spell-check then, well, you better make sure to use spell-check. Otherwise, stick to the phone. Keep in mind that a breakup letter should be poetic, not a string of clichés. If you're not going to be able to do it right, don't do it at all. Also, there's the difficulty of deciding how to sign off. You can't do "Sincerely" or "All my best," but you also can't do "All my love" or "Forever yours."
Things to Keep in Mind
Sometimes someone will draft a breakup letter with the original intention of using the letter as a reference during an actual in-person breakup, but then it starts to seem like it would be easier to just mail the "notes" or hand them to the soon-to-be ex. This isn't recommended. If you're going to take the trouble to write a letter, make it as elegant as you can-no one wants to receive a stack of three-by-five-inch index cards with the alphabetically categorized reasons they're getting dumped. When breaking up via letter, it's ideal not to mail the letter since you never know if it could get lost, but to leave it where the recipient can't miss it, and to make sure your soon-to-be ex knows you're available for an in-person chat after he or she has taken a few days to think about and/or burn the letter.
So You Want to Break Up . . .
by E-mail
When It's Appropriate
If you draft your e-mail like an actual letter, you can use it as you would use a paper letter. However, if you're going to just dash off a note without regard to, say, capital letters, a breakup e-mail should be reserved for more casual relationships-specifically ones where the person won't leave you alone.
What's Good about It
E-mail breakups have many of the qualities of an actual breakup letter, except a) you don't have to worry about it getting lost in the mail, b) it's in a good format if you want to forward it to friends to get their opinion before you send it, and c) it's easy to have a copy of it to look back at and regret later. But the best use of the breakup e-mail is for a relationship where, despite other efforts, the soon-to-be ex isn't getting the message that you're no longer interested. This is usually someone with whom you've been out only a few times and he or she insists on calling you incessantly even when you never return the calls. A letter would be too precious; a phone call would involve having to call him or her back. An e-mail is the perfect compromise.
What's Bad about It
When a breakup e-mail is heartfelt, there's a risk of it coming off as being too casual. The e-mail format also deprives your soon-to-be ex of the dramatic postreading ripping apart of the breakup letter. And, if sitcoms are to be believed, you could accidentally send it to everyone you know.
Things to Keep in Mind
If this is an e-mail going to someone who won't leave you alone, make sure to be as clear and concise as possible. There's no point in waxing profuse-it'll only give the poor sap a false sense of hope.
Try something like this:
Dear [Name],
I'm flattered by your pursuance of me. However, while I enjoyed our dates, I'm currently [busy seeing someone new/putting a lot of energy into making a rubber-band ball] and that's really taking up all my attention and time.
You are [kind/a little creepy], and I hope you'll understand that I cannot reciprocate any feelings you have for me.
It would be easiest if you didn't call, ever.
I'm sorry. Good luck in your career as a [lawyer/
dentist/stalker/stunt clown].
[Name]
(editor's note: This is based on an e-mail Anna Jane actually sent to a pesky suitor. It didn't work-he continued to call. But this was clearly an extenuating circumstance, as Anna Jane is unusually irresistible to losers.)
So You Want to Break Up . . .
through a Friend
When It's Appropriate
Having a friend break up for you is really only appropriate if you're in junior high, or if you're in a body cast.
What's Good about It
What isn't good about it?! You get spared the agony of having to figure out what to say, and your ex gets someone to comfort them-someone who is rejecting them only by proxy. Also, your friend might get lucky.
What's Bad about It
You get no knowledge of what really went on during the breakup. But, obviously, you don't care.
Things to Keep in Mind
You're an asshole.
© 2006 Da Capo Press. All rights reserved.
About the Author Anna Jane Grossman, the great granddaughter of the oldest man ever to get divorced, is a journalist who has written wedding and engagement announcements (the horror!) for the New York Post, New York Observer, and New York Times. She lives in New York City, alone. More by Anna Jane GrossmanFlint Wainess is a television and screenwriter living in Los Angeles without a dog, a cat, or a girlfriend. He remains good friends with all his exes. More by Flint Wainess
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