The Four Universal Social Gifts

First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You
by Ann Demarais, Ph.D., Valerie White, Ph.D.

(Page 3 of 3)

Now you know the value of focusing on how others feel. But you may not know specifically how to be socially generous. What do people want exactly?

While people vary in what they desire and need from others, there are some important social gifts that are universal. They are: appreciation, connection, elevation, and enlightenment. If you know which you are giving or not giving, you'll have a good idea of the impression you make.

APPRECIATION

Everyone likes to feel appreciated and affirmed. You show appreciation when you let someone know that you understand and respect her for her positive qualities. For example, if you tell someone directly or indirectly that she is talented, funny, smart, or attractive, she will feel proud about that quality in herself and good about herself in general.

Our client, Nancy, a 30-something paralegal, told us about a pleasant encounter she had with Dean, a 30ish architect, whom she had met at the party of a mutual friend. In the course of conversation, Nancy was lucky to receive most of the four social gifts.

Here's how Dean showed his appreciation for Nancy:

Nancy: I used to not exercise at all, but I started taking karate classes last year, just for the activity. Now I love it, and I just became a green belt.

Dean: That's quite an accomplishment! I know a lot of people who put off starting something they want to try, and now you look like you're in great shape, and have a green belt—a force to be reckoned with!

CONNECTION

Connection is about finding where you intersect with someone. It can be a mutual friend, common interests, or similar experiences. It can be as simple as pointing out where you have the same attitude or feeling about something, as in "I feel the same way," or "I loved that movie too." In essence it's saying "I'm like you." People like it because it makes them feel understood and provides them with a sense of belonging.

Here's how Dean showed a connection to Nancy:

Nancy: I really like detective stories and books about true crime, thrillers, and the like.

Dean: Me too! I love John Grisham, James Patterson, and Sue Grafton. Have you read them? A few friends and I pass these books on to each other. I'll send some your way if you like.

ELEVATION

People naturally like to be in good spirits, to laugh, and feel uplifted—and are drawn to those who make them feel that way. You don't have to be a comedian. You can elevate others' moods in many ways, such as by smiling, being in the moment, acting playful or entertaining, and directing your attention to the positive and humorous elements in the situation.

Here's how Dean was able to improve Nancy's mood:

Nancy: Man, it's freezing outside. I just hate this weather, I feel like I can never get warm.

Dean: I know what you mean. It's like the North Pole! But you just gotta love the snow, it's so clean and refreshing. It's so quiet in the city when it snows. Wasn't it pretty last night when it was falling?

ENLIGHTENMENT

We're all curious. We like to learn something new—interesting facts, ideas and perspectives, current events, even trivia. Bearing the gift of enlightenment makes you stimulating and appealing to be around. It doesn't have to be about some heady book you read or international politics—it can be about the curious thing you noticed on the way to work, the movie you just saw, or an article you read in a magazine.

Here's how Dean enlightened Nancy:

Nancy: What did you do today?

Dean: Nothing special, puttered around the house. But get this, I watched this TV program about World War II. Did you know that during the war, the Japanese sent a whole flotilla of hot air balloons across the Pacific to bomb America? Most landed in the mountains. . . .

Nancy: Hot air balloons, wow, no, I didn't know that.

Here Dean was able to extract an interesting fact from his day and enlighten Nancy at the same time.

That's all there is to it. You can make others feel good after interacting with you if you appreciate them for who they are, connect to them, elevate their mood, and stimulate them with new ideas and perspectives. And these social gifts transcend situations. It's true that specific situations have different expected benefits. What is appropriate on a first date may be different from what is appropriate in a business meeting. But it's a matter of proportion. In a romantic one-on-one interaction, you may desire, and wish to fulfill, feelings of appreciation and connection. You may also like to have fun and be informed about the other's ideas. In a business interaction, on the other hand, information plays a bigger role, but the other benefits are still important. A customer who appreciates you and makes you laugh is certainly appealing.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BALANCE

A healthy balance of the four social gifts is charismatic. On the other hand, an imbalance can be off-putting. For example, David, the Wall Street analyst described in the previous chapter, was quite enlightening. During his first date he informed Susan of what he learned in a course he was taking on New York City history. He shared his insights and ideas. Yet he didn't show any appreciation for Susan and didn't find a way to connect with her or amuse her. While David focused on the one gift of enlightenment, Susan focused on all the things she felt deprived of. The imbalance was very glaring to Susan and made David much less appealing than he would have been if he gave a balance of social gifts.

People have personal preferences, of course, for what they seek out from others. For example, some may really like to be entertained and seek out those that make them laugh, and not care that much about feeling connected to people. Others may especially enjoy feeling understood and love talking with people who make them feel that way, and not care much about being enlightened. However, you usually don't know this about people you meet for the first time. So balance is good strategy.

WHAT DO YOU GIVE?

So what social gifts do you give? This is, in effect, the fundamental question of this book. Maybe you never thought of yourself as giving or denying something in a first impression. But you do. Do you satisfy others' desires for the things that they, like you, desire in a social interaction? Do you deny others the opportunity to satisfy some desires? Do you offer a balance of the four social gifts?

We recognize that most of us have a "strong suit." Maybe you have a quick wit and are highly entertaining. Or perhaps you are well informed and like to tell others about current events and your opinions. But maybe you have some weak suits as well. You may not be aware of the feelings and social gifts that you fail to give to others or of any emotional costs you may incur. Would you like to give not only your strengths, but also the other desirable social benefits? Knowing what you want to give to others can help you understand if there are any gaps between what you would like to project, and how others actually see you. Of course, you may elect not to offer all these gifts to others; it may not be your style. But it's helpful to be aware of what you do and don't give to others. If you know how others feel when they interact with you, you'll have a better sense of how they perceive you.

Self-Check: What benefits do I provide to others? Do I have a strong suit? Of all the social benefits—appreciation, connection, elevation, and enlightenment—which am I strongest in? How would others describe how they feel after a conversation with me? Are there any gifts that I tend not to give to others?

SUMMARY

People form impressions of you quickly and unconsciously. They make assumptions about you based on the initial things you say and do, and then see you through the filter of these initial assumptions. They assume that your first behaviors represent how you act most of the time, even if it is not true. Based on the first things you do, they may attribute other positive or negative traits to you, even those they haven't actually observed.

Making a positive first impression is straightforward. The secret is focusing on how others are feeling and especially how they are feeling about themselves. If you can shift your focus to the other person, you can better satisfy their needs. Keep in mind that, while relationships are about mutual need fulfillment, first impressions are about meeting others needs. You satisfy their needs when you show appreciation for their positive qualities, make them feel connected, put them in an elevated mood, and enlighten them with information and ideas. Remember, when you are socially generous, others are more likely to return the attention and satisfy your social desires.

In Part II we show how these psychological principles play out in the real world and outline the seven fundamentals of first impressions and the specific behaviors that communicate them.

Copyright © 2004 by Ann Demarais, Ph.D., and Valerie White, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Bantam, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Ann Demarais, Ph.D., is the coauthor of First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You. She has more than 15 years of experience in applied psychology, specializing in interpersonal communication and executive coaching. She is the owner of First Impressions, Inc., a unique company that provides behavioral feedback to individuals seeking to learn more about themselves and to gain insight into how others see them in business, social, and dating situations.

Dr. Valerie White is a co-founder of First Impressions, Inc. She is licensed clinical psychologist who has provided leadership assessment and training and executive coaching for over ten years. Dr. White received her PhD from Fordham University in New York. Dr. White operates a private practice in executive coaching and personal counseling.